G – Gangster

Gangster.  Thug-ish.  A little bit hood.  It is the bad boy paradigm.  Who does not like a bad boy?!  Nobody…well at least not this girl.  One of my main issues with men is that I am most definitely attracted to the gangster type of guy.  In case you are confused, I will give you a couple examples for a visual.  Omari Hardwick’s character Ghost from “Power” wears a suit, but he is most definitely hood (never mind that his character is in fact a drug dealer).  Then there is Jason Momoa’s character Drogo on “Game of Thrones” (seriously, the only reason I started watching the show), a savage barbarian who would kill anyone that messes with his kingdom or (more importantly) his queen.  One of my personal favorites Nicky Jam, reggaeton singer/songwriter, who is all tatted up to his neck and face (my Spanish is not great, but it is good enough to know that he could be trouble, but I pretend to be ignorant to the fact).  Feel free to pause at this point and Google any and all of the above for your reference.  What do these men have in common?  As one of my friends likes to put it, they all look like they could have been in prison, should have been in prison or are going to prison at some point (do I need remind you of Jeremy Meeks – aka hot mugshot guy).  Again, feel free to Google him now as well.  All these dudes, they are exactly my type – Gangster!

Some of you know EXACTLY what I am talking about and you did not need to Google a single one of those men because you get it, you feel me.  You were like yep, yep, yep and yep!  You did not even blink an eye because you have the same syndrome I do!  Then there are some of you who do not understand at all.  You just do not understand and are asking yourself right now, why on earth would she desire someone she knows is probably no good or at least not a great idea?  Excellent question by the way, which I will answer for you in a moment.  So you either fall into one of those two groups of people or you fall into the third category…you actually are the gangster type (or at least you like to be perceived as such).  If you are that guy, definitely read to the end of this post.

Why am I attracted to the gangster type?   See here is the thing, I want someone who will make me feel like a woman and petite (petite I am not, but I like to feel that way).  I have been told that I can be intimidating, that I have a strong personality and it can be difficult for men to approach me.  As such, pretty much the only guys that do approach me are in fact thug-ish because they are the ones who have the wherewithal to speak to me.  I am not saying, by any means, that I am too whatever for men to approach me.  Sometimes I wonder why it is that the gangster type is the only type of guy that will step to me.  To be fair, I do like an assertive, dominate and masculine type of guy - so that may come across in my body language.  My personality type is strong enough that I can see why if someone was timid that they would not want approach me.  It is my opinion though, for the record, that I am very approachable and friendly.  I smile and I do not believe that I have RBF at all (go ahead and Google that if you need to, just remember I did not come up with it and I do not condone the usage of the term, so calm down).  Despite the image I have of myself as an approachable woman, I still do not get very many nice, Godly, available men coming after me.  So that is part of the problem for sure, my sampling is a little skewed.

There is also the edge factor.  The edge, in that, I want to be with someone who can pick me up and (frankly) be able to put me up against a wall when the moment of passion hits.  You can go ahead and thank one of my other friends for that visual (you see, it is not only me)!  I am a thick woman, so being able to pick all this up is a trick…but it can be done.  So the edge, the edge is so much about sex right?  Let me just be honest with you right now.  You know it, I know it sex is a huge part of the bad boy attraction.  Wanting someone who can be and desires to be, extra or extraordinarily sexual is a turn on for sure.  Most of the time that does not end up being something that crazy, just different from whatever it is you are accustomed too.  It is that chemistry you know, just the chemicals.  For those of us that have the urge, we truly desire an explosive sex life in the appropriate context.  If that is not you, that is cool, not everyone is built that way.  If you are built that way, do not feel bad that you desire sex because it is part of how God made us.  God designed sex and He designed us, He just really wants us to know how great sex can be in the right context.  He also does not want us to suffer the consequences that inevitably come from sex outside of the boundary of marriage.  Unfortunately, I did not heed this warning and have struggled with sex in the right context as a result.  I have definitely learned and grown from the decisions I have made.  Although, I know a lot of my struggles with the whole bad boy, thug-ish thing are because of my past choices and a taste that I have developed for a certain type of man.  Can I just take a moment and praise the Lord for redemption from the past and the ability to move forward in mercy every day?!  If it was not for redemption and mercy I would most definitely not be writing this blog today and would be an even bigger mess than I was before.

Explosive sexuality that leads to explosive sex?  Yes please, that is most definitely a characteristic I desire for my husband.  Mind you there many things that I desire in a husband, an explosive sex life is only one of the aspects I desire and not even the most important (just the most distracting).  The sexual aspect just happens to be one of those things that will mess us up!  You may need abc and xzy in the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, but if they have the edge sexual quotient, you might forget how the alphabet both begins and ends.  Can I get a witness on that one?!  I think we all know that sex makes us stupid, that is clear.  Not even necessarily sex though, just the possibility of such with the flirtation and seduction that precedes will mess with our brain function.  The problem too often resides there in lack of clear thinking, which is part of the allure of a gangster type dude.  The edge of the cliff, after all, is right where we go before we fall off the cliff.  So simple, but it takes so many mistakes and risks before we remember that we willingly went to the edge to begin with.  We do not like to remember our part in going to the edge when we are on the ground in a heap of pain, heartache and tears.

As women, I think a lot of times we do like the paradox of “fixing” the bad boy.  It is a challenge that would make us different from all the other women these men have encountered.  If we are able to change a man, we are priceless and irreplaceable.  Who does not want to be priceless and irreplaceable right?  You would be a next level boss chick if you are able to achieve "fixing" a man.  However, in this frame of mind we will only become priceless and irreplaceable to them if we can indeed “fix” them.  Whether we like to admit it or not, we are not capable of “fixing” a man.  If any of us think we have “fixed” someone, we are really in for a wake-up call.  No human can “fix” any other human.  We are all broken really, just in our own ways.  The desire to “fix” another human, is probably just a part of our own brokenness.  Why would we think that we have any authority to fix them, especially when we have our own mess to contend with?  How self-righteous of us to think that we can “fix” anyone else?  I do not know about you, but I have my own problems.  Yet, I have most definitely fallen into this “fix” trap.

Why?  If you knew what you doing, how did you fall into the “fix” trap?  It comes down to really just one thing - potential.  I think potential might be the root of my gangster issues.  It is the potential that makes the thug-ish guy seem attractive.  If he was just trouble and I knew it, there would not be a lot of incentive to continue forward, at least not for any lasting relationship.  It is that glimmer of hope, no matter how small, of potential that will fuel the flame.  You really do think that they are going to change.  You believe they will change because they have it in them to do so, we all do after all.  We all have the potential to change.  We all learn, we all grow and we all mature.  So I convince myself that this time it will work because of the potential I see in him.  Be yourself, be a good influence and be everything that he has been missing is what I tell myself.  It does not seem that toxic of a mindset at first, but that is the problem.  Deception is deceitful and if deception is clever (and it is), it will be very subtle.  After all, if you have ever dated a thug-ish guy, he has probably told you that you were the best thing that ever happened to him.  It feels great to hear that, let me tell you.  The problem though is that the statement is in the past tense, after it is over.  “You were the best…”

Even his perception of what he is telling you is deception.  Not necessarily because he is intentionally being deceptive, although he may be.  When you realize the truth and are honest with yourself, you know that you were never really the best thing that ever happened to him.  Maybe you were used as an instrument for him to come to the realization that there is more and better for him, but you were not the best thing.  Sorry, not sorry if that hurt to hear, but the best thing cannot be another broken person.  As difficult as it is to come to terms over these bad boy relationships ending, I am so thankful when they are over.  Mind you, it is not usually right away that I am thankful, it can take me a good long while to realize that I am thankful.  If the whole time of a relationship I thought I was just helping the other person out by being with them…that is not any good either.  People will tell you that you deserve so much better and that there is someone out there that deserves to be with you and vice versa.  All that may be true and is fine and well.  When I am honest with myself though, I know that the relationship also made me realize how much more work I have to yet to be done in me.  I have changes to continuously make before I could really ever be what I was trying to make him all along – my potential. 

As it turns out my issue with the gangster type guy, is really my own issues with myself.  All of us are broken, each one of us.  All of us are able to obtain the same mercy and redemption.  All of us are going to be unsatisfied if we look to each other to get "fixed".  God forgive me in my brokenness trying to fix myself and fix others when I know that is not even my job, but I am so thankful that it is yours.

“Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.”  Galatians 6:7 (ESV)

“Why do you see the speck in your brother’s eye, but fail to see the beam of wood in your own? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye,’ while there is a beam in your own? You hypocrite! First remove the beam from your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:3-5 (NET)

“But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Mark 10:6-9 (NIV)

F - Food

One of my greatest loves and one of my greatest enemies – Food!  I love food.  Food makes me happy.  Food is delicious.  Food is comforting.  Food holds memories.  Food is a necessity.  Food is a luxury.  I just love food!  There is so much to food.  I love that food brings people together.  If you invite people to an event and they are on the fence about going, all you have to do is say there will be free food.  If you say there is going to be free food, especially if it is good food, then all the sudden people’s calendars are wide open.  The thing about good food is that it can take on so many different forms.  Good food can be a gourmet meal you do not normally have the opportunity to enjoy, but is just artistically delicious.  Good food can be a home cooked meal that reminds you of a time passed, but gives you comfort just by smelling it (let alone eating it).  Then there is the good food that you just crave, which is usually greasy, deep fried, fatty deliciousness!  Food is those amazing appetizers, entrees, sides or their glorious mistress, dessert!  I love food.  I cannot even do food justice in the English language, I am not sure if any language in human words can encapsulate the essence of food. 

Food is really a huge part of my motivation in life really.  I look forward to breakfast, I look forward to lunch and I look forward to dinner.  Then if there is going be dessert and/or drinks tacked in there somewhere, forget it – I am done!  Of course, there are also the special occasions where food is the focal point.  We go for the celebration, but what would a celebration be without food.  Be it a wedding, a graduation party, a retirement party, baby shower, house warming or just a night out at your favorite local spot - food is the main event.

If only food did not cause me so many problems.  How can something so clearly wonderful be bad?!  Well you already know by now that food is one of my many issues.  As I am typing this, I am waiting for a pizza to be delivered…so there it is, one of my main food groups – pizza.  Pizza, nachos, wine and chocolate.  Those are my four main food groups (remember the four main food groups, where are my eighties babies at?!?!).  I do not discriminate though, I love all kinds of food.  When the mood really hits me for Sweet and Sour Pork, Wings, Pad Thai, Ribs, Tamales, Bacon wrapped dates or just a big old juicy Cheeseburger it is really all I can think about.  Guys, those are just off the top of my head cravings for the meals.  Do not even get me started on the snacks, desserts and drink options!  Until I am able to obtain whatever it is I am craving, I think about it constantly.  Can you relate?  If you cannot relate then I 100%, absolutely do not understand you.  I know that there are in fact humans that do not love food the way I do and food really is just a means to an end of survival.  That is fine, like really, totally fine if you are one of those people.  I just cannot understand you fully and frankly, I am just not sure if we can really get along!  Food is vital to pretty much all dealings in my life.  I love you, I just do not understand you, so maybe you can educate me about yourself.  For those of you that get me as far as my food obsession, then you know the struggle!!!  Tell me why my life revolves around food?!?!  What am I doing with my life?!  It appears that pretty much all day, every day I am just waiting around for my next meal.  Is this how I really want to live my life?  Just waiting, planning and craving my next meal?  That just does not seem quite all together healthy in my opinion!!!

Food really is an idol in my life.  Follow me for a second.  It is not like I make a little statute out of chocolate ganache and bow down before it or anything.  Food though does pull a lot of my time and energy away from everything else in my life.  Then there is the fact that food and I have had a really abusive relationship over the years.  If you have not already heard, I was clinically obese for my first 19 years of life when I tipped the scale at 305 pounds.  In all seriousness, food really was a drug for me.  I used food as a numbing agent and for moments of euphoria.  Food was a distraction for me from my reality.  It took me a long time to get to the breaking point where I decided to do something about my weight and seriously start taking care of myself.  Weight loss was difficult.  Some people will lie to you and say it is just mind over matter blah, blah, blah, but I am not going to lie to you because that is ridiculous.  Getting food issues under control is hard!  Since I was still fairly young when I started losing weight, exercise did a lot for me initially.  So my food relationship was a more gradual issue that took a while to change.  Moderation is the key, but the keys of moderation I often misplace.  All of my issues, really, stem from a lack of moderation and self-control.  Food is no exception.  When you lose over a hundred pounds it is clear that you are able to be self-disciplined.  So if it has been proven that I am able to be self-disciplined, then when I am not being self-disciplined then that means I am deliberately choosing not be disciplined.  Ouch.  I cannot blame anyone but myself for that one. Anyone else deliberately screwing themselves over?

Now I would love to sit here and tell you that you just need to learn the art of self-discipline and self-control when it comes to food and you will be fine.  However, I continue to struggle in my relationship with food so I cannot preach that to you.  I say food is a relationship because, as we all know, you need food.  Any type of food dependency is problematic because food is obviously required for the body to function.  So I need to learn how to get along with food and have a healthy, loving, adult relationship with food.  I need to be able to enjoy food and not feel like I can only eat plants all the time.  I am not knocking any of my vegan and vegetarian friends, I love you my veggies!!!  Really though, even you know that you are not trying to eat just spinach and kale the rest of your life!  Nobody is trying to do that.  Those of us that love food, want to enjoy food.  So where is the balance?  What is the secret?  Is there a pill?  A supplement?  An organic, dairy-free, soy-free, fat-free, gluten-free protein shake?  Well those may exist, but they are not the answer.  Balance is holistic.  There is not going to be just one fix for every person.  To be honest with you, there is not going to be just one fix for the same person. 

It really has been about fifteen years since I began my weight loss marathon, but I never reached “that place”.  You know “that place”.  That place where you can eat whatever you want in moderation without feeling guilt or disgust.  That place where you never have to worry about your food consumption again because you got this!  That place where you feel happy with your physical appearance everyday.  That place where all cellulite, stretch marks and excess skin no longer exist.  That place where you just keep doing what you are doing and never worry about gaining or losing another pound.  That place.  Well friends, since I am in the business of being honest, let me break it down for you.  That place does not exist.  Not in this life.  We are imperfect beings, with imperfect expectations of ourselves and others.

So I struggle.  I do.  I gained twenty pounds back in the last two years because frankly, I was lazy.  I wanted to enjoy myself and have my pizza, nachos, wine and chocolate without repercussions.  Even though I knew that land of no consequences is fictional, I decided for a while that I really did not care as long as I fit into my jeans.  Well…I no longer fit very well into my jeans.  Praise the Lord for stretch denim!!!  Bless the human who invented stretch denim and the human who perfected it for thick girls!!!  If it was not for the stretch factor, I would not be able to fit into my jeans at all.  I love God’s timing.  He really has a sense of humor.  Just this week, one of the two pairs of jeans I own finally tore.  After literally months of being on the verge of tearing, it finally happened.  I am just going to go ahead right now and praise God as well for my thick thighs because the tear was on my inner thigh.  Due to the location of this sad little tear, I was able to hide it until I got home.  Now those jeans are in the trash as we speak and I have one sad little pair of jeans left.  Sad little pair of jeans because they are in fact quite tight at this juncture.  I really love the warm weather that is about to set upon us, but I need to lose those twenty pounds as soon as possible because you cannot hide very much in the summer.

Why am I telling you this?  I think people can be bogus, that is why.  People talked about me when I was big, people talked about me when I lost weight and now I have gained twenty plus pounds back and I am sure people are talking about me now.  I will write another post another day on why we compare and treat people the way we so toxically do, but for today let me just say these few more words.  My struggles with food are because of deeper issues.  Some I have dealt with at length, others I have only scratched the surface and others I have not truly addressed at all.  Be encouraged that you are not the only one struggling if you share my issue here.  Sometimes we just like the way food tastes, but a lot of the time there are other reasons we are eating.  I eat for comfort, I eat for stress, I eat for celebration, I eat for sadness, I eat for uncertainty and I eat just because I do not want to think about any of it.  So I pledging and recommitting for about the 9,527th time (because it is not just the one time decision, it is a decision you have to make every day) to work on the reasons I eat and the reasons I fail at not eating well.  I know I am not the only one that struggles with this issue.  So here we go, you are welcome.  We are all struggling together.  Since we are struggling together, we can support each other together!

I know my fulfillment cannot be in food.  It does nothing to satisfy in the long run, only for the short term need or desire.  So I am going to work on me and food as we go into these beautiful months of less clothes, bikinis, pool parties and barbeques and not let food take over.  Let food just be a part of me instead of such a huge part of me (no pun intended, unless you laughed, then pun intended). 

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28 (NIV)

“Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” 1 Corinthians 10:31 (NASB)

“For the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit.” Romans 14:17 (HCSB)

E – Emotions

What is your superpower?  Mine is emotions.  Does that make me like Wonder Woman or She-ra?!  If you do not know who either of those women are, you must immediately research these super-heroines before continuing to read the blog today.  I would say that I am in a particularly emotional time in my life at the moment.  However, I also feel that I am always at a particularly emotional time in my life.  Why is that?  I joke that God gave me extra emotions (which you may have heard me mention before), but I am not really joking.  I believe that some of us are just more emotional.  We do not possess more emotions, as there are only a set amount of types of emotions in human existence.  My emotions though seem to be exponentially more potent than most others I know.  So I am going to go ahead and call it a superpower to make myself feel better (because I need to feel better because I am emotional).  Any other emotional superheroes out there?!  Even if your superpower is not emotions, you have something which you possess in abundance or you have a great skill.  So congratulations, you are exceptional!!!

Now that we all feel better about our excessive extra-ness, let keep moving.  My last blog was about how I really do not like moving, so no surprise, that is where my emotions are falling right now.  Purging is one of my favorite things though during the moving process.  I love to just get rid of stuff that is cluttering up my life.  So far I have purged a ton during this process.  The other night I was going through old papers, bills, files and random stuff.  I am a pretty organized person so I had my file box and a literal box full of papers that have moved with me from my last couple residences.  I did not realize it had been so long since I had gone through all these papers.  I mean, I have lived where I am for the last three years, but a lot of the contents went back like six or seven years.  Which I guess is good if you are trying not to get audited by the IRS and you keep every single paper you have been sent.  After I got over the initial horror of how old some of this stuff was, my emotions started to set in.  There were some pictures, notes, cards that I kept, of which I do not keep a lot.  It was interesting what I kept and even more interesting trying to remember why I kept some of them.  Some were obvious keepsakes pictures of family, friends, babies and weddings, but then there were also the pictures of people I knew that had broken up or gotten divorced.  There were a couple of eulogies in there as well.  So sure all of that was a little emotional, to be expected.  I did pretty good with those, I just acknowledged what I wanted to keep and kept it moving.  Then there were cards and a couple notes.  I knew which ones I wanted to keep without even reading them.  I do not think I could have read them anyway because I really would have lost it and I had a task that I had to keep on schedule.  The awareness that I knew I was going to get emotional on the pictures and notes made sense.  I knew sentiment would take over so I was mentally prepared to handle my emotions.  What I was not prepared for though was the interesting part.  Those make for the best stories and the best lessons.

There were a lot of old bills in the box, before I went fully paperless on all that stuff (calm down people, I recycled all the papers and I am saving the planet one bill at a time).  I mean there were a lot of bills and statements, but more than those there were a lot of collections notices…I mean A LOT.  As I sifted through the remnants of over half of a decade of my finances I was taken aback.  During the time frame of all these bills, I had multiple broken relationships, one of which I had planned marriage and on being a step mother to two beautiful children, another of which was a long term affair with a very married man, yet another where I fell in unrequited love and several others that were just very poor decisions that will have lasting effects on my life.  During that time, I had bills for counseling sessions where I battled and overcame clinical depression.  I kept the notice for when I had my electricity shut off because I had to make the decision whether I was going to eat or have heat in the month of January one of those years.  There were the piles, literally piles, of student loan promissory notes.  Repayment notices for said loans, which ultimately led to collections and wage garnishment notices for an education that was supposed to prevent financial ruin.  Credit score notices that went further and further down each month with each late payment and of course from those that had to go unpaid altogether. 

A sea of bills brought up all of the emotions from those days.  During that same time frame I also went through a financial planning course and got an understanding of my debt.  I had always been pretty responsible with my money, I was good at balancing my checkbook and I knew exactly how much money I had.  When my account would overdraw, I knew almost every single time that it would happen.  So I knew how much money I had, but it was when I realized how much money I did not have that my world changed.  Through the financial planning course I had a homework assignment to figure out how much debt that I had.  Well, let me tell you right now, I was sick just thinking about it.  Perhaps this is too much information, but I do not really get nauseous.  There have only been a few times in my entire life where I have actually thrown up.  All of those were while I had the flu, with the exception of one other time in college with my friend Jose Cuervo Silver (that was a go big or go home moment, ask me about that another day).  With that said, I sat down and figured out how much debt I had, which predominately consisted of student loans, and I literally felt nauseous.  My table was a fold up card table and I remember sitting there surrounded by all the numbers that I added up and I truly thought I was going to throw up all over those calculations.  What happened?!  How did this happen?  Was this not the exact thing that I did not want to happen?  Why hdd I struggled so hard?  Why had I lived on pennies my entire adult life?  Why did I go back to school?  I thought the reason for my education was so that I would never be in this position.

Tears streamed down my face as all the memories came back, all from a cardboard box.  Who knew a cardboard box filled with bills could invoke such an immense response?  As I remembered the way I felt over those years and reflected on what I had gone through relationally, emotionally, physically and mentally something came over me.  Was it a superpower or was it supernatural?  My superpower of emotions were already in full swing, so it was not that.  There was something greater that was coming to realization for me.  Throughout the tears, the depression, the pain, the sorrow, the loss, the confusion and the frustration over the years there was more.  I did not die of a broken heart, when I thought that I could never go on.  My life did not end because of the poor decisions I had made in bad relationships.  There was always food on the table, a roof over my head, clothing on my back and all my actual needs were always meet despite the finances.  How did everything work out?  I do not want to minimize anything that I have gone through, sometimes I do that because I know that there are so many out there that have worse situations.  For me though, my life has been a challenge, especially over the span of time this box of papers held.  Through each and every step I have relied on God’s plan for me, reminded myself of Jesus’ sacrifice for me on the cross and listened to the voice of the Holy Spirit guiding me through each thing I have gone through.  Let me tell you right now, I have not always done it well, I have wavered and doubted, but in my soul I knew that no matter what was happening, there was a greater plan. 

My emotions are all over the place constantly, but they help me to understand greater God’s constancy.  Everything changes and the unexpected will come.  Throughout all of the emotions, the good, the bad, the happy, the sad and the wretched ratchet God has been there for me.  I am so beyond thankful to have gone through every single thing that I have because I know that it is for a greater purpose, a purpose greater than I.  My emotions, my superpower, sometimes make life more challenging that is for sure.  Yet if I let them, my emotions really are super because they make me realize how truly grateful I am for it all.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6 (NASB)

"Do not worry then, saying, 'What will we eat?' or 'What will we drink?' or 'What will we wear for clothing?' For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:31-34 (NASB)

You Know What I Really Don’t Like…Moving

Moving is not my favorite thing.  I have moved so many times in my adult life, I just really do not like it.  There is a lot that goes into moving.  First, it is difficult, it is just a lot of work.  You have to research places, visit different ones, weigh your options, create spreadsheets, figure out if the cost is worth the move, buy wine to drink during this whole process and get frustrated with what is out there in your price range.  It is exhausting to sort, purge, pack, store, unpack, organize and reassign all of your stuff.  Then you have all the forwarding of mail, updating of addresses with every entity you are a part of or have ever owed money to. Then there is the actual moving day.  Blah.  It is the best workout ever though with all the cleaning, lifting, lunging, squatting, climbing, pushing, pulling and sweating.  After moving day you wake up in a strange home and you the most sore you have ever been in your life because you are in fact older than you were the last time you moved (even if that was only a few months ago).  Moving is very draining.  Not just physically draining from moving, but mentally from all the prepping and number crunching.  Then there is the emotional drain.  Oh boy, the emotional drain!

So here I am again, about to move.  I have been at my current apartment for three years, which is the longest I have lived anywhere since I lived with my parents.  It has also been over 12 years since I moved out of my parents’ house, so for me three years is a long time.  I have to say I have gotten very comfortable in my current living situation.  It is a cute place, perfect size for me and has little amenities that were a desire in my heart when I was looking for places last time I moved.  Over the past three years a lot has happened here in my apartment, for better and for worse.  I have accumulated a lot of memories, some I will cherish always and some I would rather forget.  It is funny how emotions and memories get attached to places.  This has been a three year season in which I have grown greatly, but I was also challenged greatly.  Most often, I failed greatly in those challenges, but ultimately that lead back to the growing.  I am going to miss this home very much. 

I do live alone currently.  I have a pattern of going back and forth between living with people and living alone.  I grew up in a large family, I have four siblings and my parents are together.  Which means, growing up there were seven people living in a four bedroom, one bathroom home, which was about 1,000 square feet.  It was tight when all seven of us were there.  Thankfully, as number four of my parent's five children, I was pretty young when we all lived there together so I do not remember everything and that, my friends, is a blessing on so many levels.  So when I moved out of my parents’ home I was bound and determined to live on my own, even if it meant having little money.  I was not afraid of living lean because I came from a community where we already did that.  After I moved out I was able to make it for a while, but this world really does catch up to you quick.  After a tough two years out on my own, I decided to go back to school to get my degree to make more money and get a job I did not completely loathe.  For the two years that I went back to school to get my Bachelors I lived a bit of a gypsy lifestyle.  I lived with 3 other roommates in college, but felt like I lived out of a duffle bag because I was back and forth between school and family/friends through the school year.  Then in the summers I would nanny for one of my sisters and live with them.  I did that for two years and then planned on going to law school.  After the law school plan fell through and I realized that was not really what I wanted to do with my life after all, I continued to live with my sister, brother-in-law and their three children in their home for a year.  Thankfully, my sister kicked me out (my sister and I are really good honestly, it was just time for me to go) and I moved into a friend’s home and rented a room.  That one was fun because I moved in on a Saturday and then on Sunday her boyfriend proposed.  So pretty much immediately after unpacking I knew that I had to be out of there in six months. 

Thankfully I got a better job and was able to move out as scheduled and get my own place again!!!  (Insert choir of angels singing here).  Praise the Lord, I was able to finally live on my own again after all that bouncing around from place to place.  I ended up living in that apartment for two years, once again money was tight.  Even though I was barely making it in my first apartment, this time was worse because now I had student loans from the Bachelors.  I had paid for my Associate’s in full when I was still living with my parents, so when I got in my first apartment I was debt free, just poorly paid.  Now I was on my own again, but with two years’ worth of student loans…from a private institution (because I thought that was a good idea, it was a good education, but still).  Even with scholarships and grants, I still owed a massive amount.  So even though I was getting paid better, it did not matter because my debt was far greater.  After two years, I moved in with a different friend and rented a room from her for a year.  I obtained a Master’s degree during that time, which I did not owe any money on, but boy those student loans from my Bachelors were still hanging out and those lenders really wanted their money.  I was still struggling, but I honestly at that point if I was going to struggle I just wanted to live alone and at least get my stuff out of storage again.  I had been through a really rough personal few years and I was just ready to be in my own place, even if it was a meager existence.  God is good though, I found the place I am currently in and loved it!  I loved the location and got the best deal in the area for the money.

Fast forward three years, living here has been a challenge.  I have gone through a lot of uphill battles with the finances, but thankfully God has protected me along the way and I am still here.  I cannot tell you how many times the power and water should have gotten turned off and did not because God provided.  I cannot tell you how many times my internet and my phone did get cut off because I had to opt to pay rent instead.  I cannot tell you how many overdrafts and late fees I have paid.  What I can tell you though, is God provided throughout.  I never went hungry once, even when all that was left was a dying cucumber, baking soda and a can of tuna fish.  I always had clothes, even if I had to stitch up a hole, a button or pocket because they had been worn thin.  My car payment was always on time, simply because I knew I would not be able to get to the job if I did not have a car.  Truthfully, I am not sad about any of that, I am grateful for everything I have.  However difficult the finances appear to be at times, I remind myself that there are other people in the world praying to be in the situation I am in because they have it far worse.

Once I got my notice that my rent would be going up yet again this year, I decided I needed another change.  I would have to move.  As sad as it made me in the moment and as much as I did not want to give up my place, I knew it was inevitable.  I prayed for an opportunity because frankly, the cost of living in the greater Chicagoland area is expensive.  Side bar - Can we talk about that for a minute?  Why is it so expensive?  What are we paying for exactly?  We are in the middle of the country.  We do not get great weather.  There is no ocean and definitely no beach on said ocean (and Lake Michigan does not count).  What exactly are we paying for?!  Corruption and greed?  Yeah actually, that is probably it, but I digress.  After praying about the opportunity and seeing that there really just was not much out there in my price range, I was getting discouraged.  I knew I needed a miracle because frankly I was not going to be able to afford any of my options, so I kept praying.  Some days later I got a text from a good friend of mine letting me know that she would have a room for rent opening up in the next couple weeks.  Three fold answer to prayer and a miracle!  One, I will have a place to live in a really pretty house, closer to the job and church, which is also in a great location.  Two, my bills will basically be cut in half since I will have two roommates.  Three, they are awesome Jesus girls who will help keep me accountable and out of trouble (we will talk about that more in another post I am sure). 

I knew staying where I am now was not going to be affordable and I knew that God just wanted me to come to Him with my concerns.  What seemed an impossible situation from my finite human standpoint was actually very possible in the hands of God.  He can do anything and He does when we align with His greater plan.  For some of you, it may seem really silly that I am giving God all the credit for this miracle.  To you it may not seem like a miracle at all, but for me it was.  Do you have those situations though were something is a very big deal to you, but from an outsider perspective people do not get it because they are not going through it (and they are not you)?  When that happens in your life, whether it is moving or something else you know what the odds set against you to say.  You know how detrimental a situation will be if things do not work out.  You know that you are human and even with all the positive thinking in the world, you cannot work the situation out.  If you understand that, then you understand where I was at this time regarding the move.  If you do not understand what I am talking about you will one day soon because we are human and there is much in our lives and this world outside of our control.  My God though, He is in control.  He loves and cares for me and each person He has created so much that He will fulfill all our needs.  Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, He supplies all my needs.

I am excited to start this new chapter.  There will be sadness when I leave, but I know the next chapter is going to be wild.  So far it has definitely been an eventful life, I have a feeling that it is going to be even crazier for the next chapter.  Very glad all of you will be with me because it is going to be nuts, thank you for being with me so far!  So thankful that sometimes we have to do things that we do not like to get to the next thing that will change our lives.

“And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19 (NIV)

“Now to Him who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us— to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21 (HCSB)

#shutupandpray

In life there are stressors, many stressors.  Right now I have stressors.  Right now you most likely have stressors too.  It seems like there is a lot of stress, a lot of the time, about all kinds of things.  I do not know about you, but when I have a lot going on (which seems to be all the time) I really like to vent.  Venting is not always bad in and of itself.  Many of us need to process a situation by talking it out.  The problem with venting is sometimes you vent, then you vent again and then you vent some more.  All of the sudden you stop and realize that the venting stopped on the first round and every round of conversation since has really just been rehashing, which ultimately is really just complaining.

Ugh, complaining.  I wish I did not complain so much!  Now I am complaining about complaining!!  I had an epiphany last year at the job and realized how much I was complaining about work.  A few years ago, I had an epiphany in life and realized how much I was complaining about my life.  In each of these instances, I really got knocked upside the head.  Interesting thing was that I realized I was complaining OFTEN, but I really hated when other people complained.  Well, that is gross.  Why am I going to complain about this, that and the other thing if I cannot stand when other people do it?  Hypocritical?  Yep, it appears so and I am also not a fan of hypocrites, so I was losing all the way around.

Heart check time.  Why do I complain?  Each situation is different of course, but in each situation the complaints on the surface usually are not the problem.  The problem usually goes way deeper.  Be it a relationship, job, money, kids, a car, the dog, the weather or whatever – we are probably uneasy because of something deep.  I do not know about you, but fear is usually the most common emotion at the base of my complaints.  There are actually a couple definitions on fear, but this one is what I am talking about “a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid” (Dictionary.com).  Did you catch that?!  Whether the threat is real or imagined.  Wow.  This is why I love words.  We know fear is an emotion, a state of feeling and we have all felt it.  How often is our fear not actual and just imagined?  Let me just go ahead and tell you - way too often, that is how often.  Fear has kept me from so much in the past and it has contributed to my complaints.  Now fear is of course not the only reason we complain, it could also have to do with anger, confusion, betrayal and all other emotions.  Fear though, whether real or imagined is usually somewhere in the root of my complaints.

I complain because I am unsatisfied with where I am and I fear that things are not going to change.  As a result, I complain.  God seriously has worked on fear in my life, particularly over the last few years.  Fear can cripple and dominate, causing an unsatisfied state of being.  Now why would anyone want to live in that state of mind?  That sounds awful.  I have had to give up so much of my fear, real and imagined to be able to move forward and do anything in life.  Once I give that fear over, it is a whole new world.  What you thought was impossible is all of the sudden possible!  When I started giving up the fear in my life situations regarding relationships, finances, my health, the job and other smaller areas things really began to change.  Fear had such a power over me and I did not even realize it until I stopped complaining and started praying.  My complaints became confessions because I was not having faith and trusting that God would work out each of these situations.  Complaining resulted in blaming, praying resulted in freedom.  Freedom from the fears that were weighing me down.  Freedom of what I thought could not be to what I knew WOULD be!  All things were possible.  When I started praying, I complained less, I feared less, I believed there was so much more and I was only hurting and limiting myself by complaining.  Let me be real with you, I am not saying I never complain anymore, I do not claim that.  I do claim though that I complain so much less, I fear so much less and I know there is so much more in store than I dared to imagine before!!!

I was texting a friend a couple months ago about a situation that was a little overwhelming and I was feeling fear rise up.  As I was talking and talking and talking about the situation I finally stopped.  I said to her, let me stop.  I am going to #shutupandpray because that is my problem right now.  I am complaining about the situation and I have talked it to death at this point, so I just need to pray.  When I prayed, I brought it all before God and He worked it out.  Not that everything in the situation was wrapped up in a pretty bow and taken care of, that is not what I mean when I say He worked it out.  He worked it out by working on me, working on my heart and working on my attitude in that situation.  That is how we grow.  Things happen, things suck, we have no control over many things and the things we do have control over we make poor choices in sometimes.  We do not grow because those situations just magically disappeared out of our lives.  We grow because we have to go through it.  I am so unbelievably thankful for my friends who I can go to and talk about life.  I am thankful that I am here for them when they need to talk it out as well.  Let me just go ahead and be respectful of them though and try to limit my complaining, not in my own strength, but in prayer.  Pretty sure they will be glad that I am not going on and on complaining about the same thing anymore!  #shutupandpray

“Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.” Jeremiah 29:12 (NIV)

“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13 (NASB)

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.” 1 John 4:18 (ESV)

D - Dating

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my tragic dating the pattern.  You ready?  Here we go…

I like a guy, I am attracted to guy, guy tells me he likes me and that he is attracted to me, we flirt, I am flattered, I feel validated, he tells me I am beautiful/sexy/perfect/whatever he thinks will get to me, I fall for it, we start a relationship (or at least I believe it is a relationship), it gets physical, we move too fast, I either start falling for him or realize this is the worst mistake ever, all the while I have no idea what he is thinking (for the most part), ultimately there is a communication gap or some sort of deception, relationship (or whatever) ends, I cry, I get hurt, he may or may not be hurt depending on if he has any feeling in his soul, I fall on the floor, I cry a lot, I pray, God tells me I need to guard my heart more effectively, I say ok and that I will do better, cycle repeats, but this time it is a little bit better than last time and when it ends I am a little less devastated than the last time.

Well that is exhausting…dating is rough out in these streets!!!  Where are all my single people at?!  Does your cycle look like this or do you have your own cycle of madness?  Even if your cycle looks different than mine, you can probably relate to the repetition, but hopefully also to the growth.  For those of you that no longer have to deal with the dating cycle, that is amazing and congratulations!!!  For those of you that have no idea what I am talking about, well then God bless and this should at least be an entertaining read for you.  If that is the case be sure to stay tuned for future blogs because the stories get better (or worse depending on your perspective) and they definitely get messier, thus more entertaining.

I have been working on this particular dating cycle for a while.  I would rather not say how many years, but let’s just say it has been pretty much been for as long as I have been dating!  I do not want to say how many years that is because then I may actually qualify as an expert on dating failures and I reject that legacy on my life!  Instead, let’s say that I am an expert on dating nonsense, which will inevitably make me all the more capable to handle a well-balanced, loving relationship with another person who is also an expert on dating nonsense. 

Each time I go through the dating cycle it improves.  Each time I am able to look around and say, what is wrong here?  Is it me, is it him, is it both of us?  (Probably both us if we are being real with each other.)  Was I upfront about everything?  Was I clear in my expectations and motives?  Did he know what I was talking about?  Were there assumptions made?  Was there deception?  Did he feel where I was coming from?  Did I feel where he was coming from?  Did we communicate or did we just talk?  I have come to find that where there have been MANY problems with each relationship, but the core of it was a spiritual issue.  We were on different pages, different chapters or just in completely different books.  For me, my faith is the most important aspect of a relationship, but that means different things to different people.  For many people, that is not the most important aspect in a relationship.  You would think at the base, we could at least agree about what is most important for each of us from the first conversation.  No.  That does not happen.  Well maybe it does for you, but I have found that discovering what is most important in a relationship to someone is actually very difficult.  If we cannot find out and agree about what is most important at the beginning, how are we going to even start with the other things?!

Why?  Why is communicating about the most important thing in a relationship so difficult from the start?  I cannot even tell you how many different strategies I have used to try to determine what someone else finds to be truly foundational in a relationship before we begin.  When I was younger I feel like I would play a little hard to get and be a little veiled about my needs, wants and desires in a relationship.  At this point though, I am pretty much like, “Yo, my name is Holly.  I am 34.  I try to live my life modeled after Jesus every single day.  Looking for a man that is trying to do the same.  I am screwed up, my life is messy, I will not ever be perfect, but I am striving for growth in Jesus and developing into a better human than I was yesterday.  I also want the same of my husband and for our children.  And hey, if my husband happens to be taller, darker and more handsome then BONUS!  If that is not you boo, then that is cool, but now we know and we can both go to what is next for us.”  I mean, is that hard?!  I should just have that printed on cards and hand them out when someone hits on me at Target.  Or just have it loaded in the notes on my phone so I can copy and paste that sucka into a text, FB or Insta.  For the dating sites, have that as my bio (that should scare some of those crazies off right away)!  Rehearse, memorize, repeat and announce that monologue to the next one that tries to step to me.

The thing is though, that I have pretty much done that.  What is the response I normally get, you ask?  Well, the guy usually says, “Yeah me too.”  Depending on the person they may go into greater detail on my statement, they may divert and tell me how good I look in those jeans I got on, but the most clever ones will do both.  Now some of them just do not agree, but they say they do because they are selfish and want to play games.  Those ones are just looking for something physically, but they are usually too smooth and it takes me a minute to get to the truth (usually because I cannot see past their sexiness right away - real talk).  Then there are the ones who are, in fact, NOT available who pretty much will say anything because they are out here talking to me instead of at home with the one they should be with.  In other words, I get lied to a lot, which is not cool especially when I am just trying to tell them what it is from the start.

I do get deceived an awful lot in relationships.  If I get deceived from the first conversation, I will probably continue to get deceived for a while.  Mind you I am better at finding holes in the story than I used to be, but love and lust are blind - at least temporarily.  Not to play the victim because trust, I have gone into situations with my eyes fully open as to what I am doing.  Many times I knew it was not going to work out, I knew it was a bad situation, but I did it anyway.  It is just hard for me to understand why people lie and mislead in dating.  Especially when I come right out and say I want something serious and give my basic parameters up front.  If what you are looking for is a relationship based in lies and manipulation, I am not your girl.  For whatever reason though, I think that makes them try harder at that point. 

So how can I just not be deceived?  For one, there is no guarantee that we will not get deceived, people do and say things for all kinds of reasons.  Deception will happen, there will be lies in dating experiences so we need to just know some people will do that.  However, I know for a fact that the person whom I am meant to be with will not lie and deceive me.  You should know that the person you are meant to be with will not lie to you or deceive you (unless of course that is what you are doing in the relationship, #workonyourselffirst). So when I am deceived or mislead, I need to just walk away.  I will be hurt, but I need to walk away before I hurt more.  Second, get some boundaries.  Here we are, back at boundaries again, these seem to come up a lot in my barrage of issues.  I once heard a sermon (and by once I mean dozens of times because this is an amazing series) called “The New Rules of Love, Sex and Dating” by Andy Stanley (link included at end of blog so that you can watch/listen, thank me later - for real).  He said that in dating scenarios you have to pre-decide what you are going to do and what you are not going to do.  Mind you this qualifies for the physical, but I think before I personally ever get to the physical I have already surpassed my emotional boundaries.  Deciding in advance what I need, want and desire in a relationship.  Deciding in advance what I will do and what I will not do in a relationship.  Deciding what I will and will not put up with in a relationship.  These all need to be decided in advance because in the moment, it will too late to decide and bad decisions will arise.  For me, because I am super emotional, I tend to let myself get real close to the edge of my boundaries.  So what I pre-decide needs to be the absolute ideal, so that if I do compromise, it is not as painful as it could be.  Of course the goal is to not compromise at all, but I have definitely struggled with that in the past so I want to be realistic with my human self over here.

End of blog disclaimer:  I do not want the men reading this to feel like I am bashing men because I am not.  I love men (too much with some of them)!  I am so glad that we have men in our world.  Men have enhanced my life and experiences in many way, both in and outside of the dating realm.  I know real men that act like real men.  Unfortunately, I have only had the experience of dating men that felt, for whatever reason, they needed to be deceptive.  These are just my experiences, one woman’s story on dating and not intended to reflect all women.  Do not scream at your screen that women can be just as bad in relationships as men, I know, we definitely can be.  I know some really ratchet females, just like I know ratchet men.  Plenty of women play games and our sex can be master manipulators.  So I get it, if you are a man, know that this is not directed at you (unless I have dated you, in which case you can probably just go ahead and assume it is).  If I have dated you and you are offended by this post, let me refer to you to the Thank You section tab at the top of the blog, read that please.  If you still have beef with me, we probably need to have an honest conversation.  You know how to find me.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

“Treat others the same way you want them to treat you.” Luke 6:31 (NASB)

Reference: http://northpoint.org/messages/the-new-rules-for-love-sex-and-dating

C - Care Too Much

Someone recently told me that our greatest strengths are often our greatest weakness.  I was told this when I was receiving feedback from an interview for a different position within my company.  A few days prior, I was notified that I did not get the position, but that if I wanted feedback from the interview, I could schedule an appointment to do so.  I figured that I have a lot of things to work on as a human anyway, so I decided to take advantage of any constructive feedback this man had to offer.  Plus, he is a middle aged, lovely, British man so I figured anything negative he had to say would be softened by his accent.  We all know that everything sounds a little better in a good British accent!  It turns out the job was really not suited for me at all, so ultimately I was thankful that I did not get the position.  I am so glad that I went through that whole application and interview process if only for the feedback he gave me.  He told me that I gave two different answers when I was asked what my greatest strength and what my greatest weakness are.  I thought to myself, well yeah because you asked me two different questions sir, so you got two different answers!  Then he said, our greatest strengths are often our greatest weakness, so the answer to both questions would be the same.  Mind blown.  I was so disappointed in myself because I am sure this was not the first time I had heard that particular colloquialism in my life.  For whatever reason, even though I had heard this before, I never really listened.  Why had I not gotten this before and applied it sooner in my life (and in interviews evidently)?  It hit me hard actually because I think he was right.  Your greatest strength is often your greatest weakness.

Caring much is one of my greatest strengths.  I care a lot, but I must admit it is to a fault sometimes.  So it makes sense that being a caring person is also a great weakness.  Knowing some of my audience like I do, I am sure that some of you struggle with caring too much as well.  I also know some of you pretend not to care most of the time so that you will not get hurt.  When you have cared in the past, you have gotten hurt.  Then there are some of you who are just not that caring and that is just who you are.  That is not a criticism, it is just is not in your nature to be super caring.  You have to put forth a lot of effort to care for others and it is actually really hard work for you.  Whichever category you fall under or if you fall somewhere in between all those, we can all agree that when you care sometimes you get burned.  Sometimes it is a small hurt that is easier to move forward from and other times you get third degree burns that take years to heal and leave scars for the rest of your life. 

Relationships are where I care the most and get hurt the most.  I always joke that God gave me extra feelings because I am a really emotional person.  When I was younger I was so sensitive, I got my feelings hurt quick and often!  I had to learn how to build boundaries when I was young and that is not an easy skill or exact science.  Lord knows I am still working on how to create healthy boundaries because it always depends on the situation and the person.  So you can imagine that when it comes to romantic relationships it has been a particularly tragic train wreck. 

I tend to put a lot of time and effort into relationships from the jump.  Then continue to do so throughout the relationship and ultimately to the bitter end.  If I am real honest, I care in the aftermath of the relationship too.  I care from the beginning to after the end.  Some people care deeply more out of fear because they are people pleasers.  That is not really my issue, my issue is that I have a deep desire to care for those whom I love because I feel like that is what you do.  I desire a reciprocated care from the person I with of course, but I do not care for them so that I can get anything in return.  If the man I am with is caring for me on any kind of level, I am elated.  Even though I truly desire someone to care for me the way I have cared for them in relationships, I have yet to receive that back.  Mostly because pretty much all of my romantic relationships have been truly toxic, so there is that!  Trust and believe God has been working on my heart, emotions, mind and soul on my former relationship issues.  Each situation has gotten better, but still not any of them have been good on a whole.

Obviously, healthy relationships are ideal, that is what we all need to strive for in relationships.  We have enough problems on our own, we do not need toxic situations to add to our already existing difficulties.  Which is why when I realize a relationship is not nurturing, caring, beneficial, encouraging and loving, it needs to be done.  Having healthy relationships are a requirement, otherwise as a caring person, you will get annihilated.  Unfortunately, there are people that exploit caring people for selfish gain and they are really good actors in my experience (or just players frankly).  Those people suck.  So then should I stop caring?  Should you stop caring?  No.  It is easy for me to say and to point fingers at the individuals who take advantage of caring people.  Since it has happened to me, I can be quick to play the victim, which is also easy to do.  If all of us are extra honest right now though, I mean extra honest – we can probably all admit to exploiting others for their care and kindness at some point in our lives.   Maybe not in a romantic relationship, but in family members, friends, acquaintances, or even strangers off the street.  Exploiting caring people is a more regular occurrence in our lives than we care to admit.  So I guess we are all guilty on some level.  Just because we are not treated well does not give us the right to do the same to others.  So we care, we continue to care.  We do not become doormats, we do not let people treat us however they like.  We protect ourselves with standards and with boundaries.  Otherwise we are vulnerable to attack from those that will slither into our lives and they will drain us dry.

Finding the balance of how much to care, how intensely to care and at what point to change the level of care can be difficult to navigate.  Each time I am in a romantic relationship it gets a little better.  I am able to see a little more clearly each time.   Deception and deceit are much more visible than they once were.  Not that I am always able to spot the motives of others, but I am getting better at seeing their intentions with time and experience.  Surrounding myself with those people who do truly care about me and care for me help me to spot when someone comes into my life with different motives.  It has been instrumental for me to surround myself with good, honest influences who are like minded with me.  Surrounding myself with those that do care, helps me to know how to care and when to beware of those that will just take advantage.  Surround yourself with positive and encouraging influences.  It will help you care for others and to care for yourself in a healthy balanced way.   

“I am sending you out like sheep surrounded by wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.” Matthew 10:16 (NET)

“A fool's way is right in his own eyes, but whoever listens to counsel is wise.” Proverbs 12:15 (HCSB)

B - Body Image

Alright people, this post has taken me several attempts to complete because I really could write a novel on body image (and I may with all the omissions I cut from this post)!  If you do not struggle with body image issues, then we need to talk because almost every person I have spoken to in my life does, both men and women.  No exaggeration, I could write for days on body image because I believe that so much of our perception of our individual worth; as well as, the worth of others, is steeped in the concept of body image.  Since the entire blog is about finding your worth, I guarantee that body image will be an ongoing discussion for us.  For today, l think we should just begin the discussion and see where we go from there.  Honest discussion is key on this topic, so I am going to share some of my struggles with body image right now!

 My body image issues have deep roots.  I mean, deep roots.  Over the years I have been digging to get them out, pull them from my core.  These roots have been foundational in all of the issues that I have had to deal with in my life.  Ultimately though, having these body image roots allowed me the journey to be able to deal with these areas and grow into the person I am today.  By the grace of God, I am in such a better place with body image than I once was.  The webs entwined by these roots have been diminished over the years, but I must say I still struggle to a degree.  My prayer is that anyone reading this blog can get some degree of clarity and victory over any negative body image issues that they are struggling with.  In doing so, I desire the replacement of any negative body image issues we have of ourselves and others with more positive, affirming and loving associations instead.  Not to turn this into Sapfest 2017 (I am emotional though, so you may have to deal with my sappiness from time to time), but I think it is very important to recognize the positive as much as possible so that when the negative arrives it will seem so out of place to us that we will know that they are false statements.

Some people really roll their eyes hard when I say I struggle with body image, but I am going to just go ahead and put a stop to that right now.  Assumption is part of the reason body image issues are so prevalent in our culture.  When it comes to body image we assume that we know this, that and the other about someone based upon how they look.  Right?  Be honest with yourself right now, how many people do you judge based on how they look?  Do you compare yourself to them?  Do you compare them to the people you know?  We all do and have.  I certainly compared myself to others constantly my entire childhood and adolescence.  Let me give you a little background for those of you who do not know me.  I grew up obese.  Not overweight or chunky, I was obese.  There were some genetic factors that went into my weight issues for sure, but largely my obesity was a result of learned behaviors.  A sedentary lifestyle, combined with poor eating habits made me into an obese child.  No real shocker there, we all know those are primary reasons for obesity.  Mind you there are other medical issues that can contribute to obesity as well, but I am not going to get into that because that was not the case for me.  When you have an established lifestyle of sitting on the couch, watching too much TV and eating highly processed and fattening foods, it is difficult to break the cycle.

Before I go further, I should say that I do not place the blame anyone for my weight issues.  I bring that up because I believe it is very important part of the story.  Despite the behaviors that I learned from my home life and my sphere of influence, I always had a choice.  I also had the intelligence, information and awareness on how to live a healthier lifestyle and be free from obesity, but I chose at that time not to apply it to my life.  It was not that I did not want to be healthy or look good in jeans, I definitely wanted those things.  The problem was that I was pretty wrecked about my self-worth and body image from a very early age because of my weight.  When you have such a negative body image of yourself, it is hard to do anything positive to get yourself out of the negativity.  We know this right, negativity begets more negativity.  No one forced me to get to the point that I did, but no one could do the work for me to lose the weight either.  I had to take responsibility for my part in how my body got to a weight of 305 pounds by age 19.

Why was I so wrecked some people ask me?  You have to understand, especially if you do not struggle with weight, that when you are told you are fat and ugly repeatedly you begin to feel that way.  Whatever you are told becomes a part of your identity.  If you tell a child that oranges are purple, they are going to believe that the color orange is the color purple.  I was not ugly, no human is ugly.  We are all made in God’s image and thus, each one of us is beautiful – each and every one of us (I am going to need you to remember that for always).  Then I was told that I was fat and that fat was a bad thing, which resulted in people making fun of you.  Which I think we all know that fat is a fluid term, one person’s definition is different than the next.  While we are on the subject, let me tell you about the origin of the word fat.  According to the fine people at Dictionary.com, the contemporary term fat derives from, “Origin: before 1000; Middle English; Old English f ǣ tt, orig. past participle of f ǣ tan to cram, load, adorn; cognate with Gothic f ē tjan to adorn; akin to vat".  Some of you are like, ok…what does that mean?  I realize not everyone studies Middle and Old English language and literature, so here it is.  Essentially the word fat is a description of cram, load and adorn, but can also refer to a vat.  Cram and load are not exactly flattering terms for the obese since it eludes to forcing an object into a vessel that is too small for the contents or that it is generally just large.  A vat is merely a vessel and could be varying sizes, so not derogatory in and of itself, but it is if you are referring to a large vat.  What I find interesting is that adorn is also a descriptor.  Adorn means to add beauty to something, pleasing to the eye, attractive.  I think we should pause and think about that description of the word fat.  Unfortunately, I do not believe that my grade school contingency were referring to my adorning nature when they called me fat.  Instead of me seeing myself as an orange because I was an orange, I saw myself as purple because that is what people told me I was.  See what I mean, words are powerful.

Basically, kids were mean.  I think adults can forget how mean kids can be.  We remember how it was in junior high and high school, but those grade school years were the years that really formed our perception of ourselves.  By junior high and high school, honestly kids made fun of me a lot less.  Not that my teenage years did not have a lasting impact on my self-worth and my value as a person because they definitely did in other ways.  The light in which I viewed myself though, had already been established by the time I was a teenager.  The bulk of my body image issues, I believe, were developed in grade school because that is when I got made fun of the most.  I was not only obese, I was also tall.  I was five foot five when I was ten years old, as tall as my teacher that year (taller than other teachers).  So I was big and tall.  I viewed myself as unworthy of so much in life because of my size and how my peers had responded to the way I looked.

Many people told me positive things when I was growing up in those formative years.  My parents told me they loved me, that I was beautiful, smart and could do whatever I wanted in life.  I am so thankful for that and sensitive to it because I know not everyone reading this right now can say the same.  Know this, if no one ever told you those things, they should have because you are loved, you are beautiful/handsome, you are smart and you can work toward any goal you set before yourself (if that did not sink into your soul just now, re-read that sentence over and over until it does because it is true).  For some reason though, negative responses we hear louder.  If we get a hundred compliments and one negative comment, sometimes that one comment is all we remember and can hear.  Unfortunately, I listened to a lot of that negative talk.  Inevitably, that negativity profoundly affected my perception of being physically attractive and as such, my body image. 

Body image issues are a beast. That is because body image extends past weight into so many other areas.  For me, a lot of my issues stem from the weight, but there are other areas that have affected my body image.  My childhood, my family, my friends, the media, men, relationships, sex, my socioeconomic status, my interests and many other things, all of those went into how I formed my body image and how I viewed the body image of others.  Once those issues were formed I took those with me everywhere I went, just like you have.

In the spirit of positivity and moving this blog along (this version is way shorter than the previous versions – your welcome), I did get to the point of hitting 305 pounds at 19 and decided that I was worth more than the way that I was treating my body.  It was time to make a change and I did, it was not easy, it was very difficult in fact.  I had to deal with issues from my entire life and how those impacted my self-worth, which directly affected my weight loss.  Perhaps one of the most challenging parts of the body image issues is that we are all told by someone at some point in our youth that we are to love ourselves and that we need to be good with who we are, wherever we are.  We need to strive for the next thing in life, but be happy with who we are right now.  Sounded good to me, so all along the way I was trying to do that.  I really wanted to do that, it made sense, it sounded good and it is what I would have told anyone else to do.  The problem was, my intellectual maturity and my emotional maturity were not in alignment.  I had to deal with myself, all of the things that had happened in my life and the emotions that went along with them, minus the weight.  Turns out the weight was kind of a safety blanket actually (we will hit on that another day). 

A lot has happened in my life since I started losing the weight.  Not everything got better, most things got more difficult actually (put that eye roll away).  My body image improved because my worth increased.  Confidence, self-discipline, Jesus and just working through adult life all were vital to improving my body image and my worth.  As I learned more and grew through my weight loss journey, I surrounded myself more and more with positive people that treated me well and for whom I could do the same.  I am not always successful in reading people’s negativity gauge at first.  Although, if a negative person does get into my life, I do not allow them to stay long and they definitely do not get an all access pass to my life.  To is critical not to allow others to influence our body image negatively. 

I still struggle with body image and with those last 10-20 pounds, pretty sure I am not alone on that one.  We need to remember that we are all humans (remember from earlier, humans are made in God’s image - we are all beautiful), which means we will not arrive at perfection during our lives.  Thankfully though I have learned that my worth is not in my childhood, my family, my friends, the media, men, relationships, sex, my socioeconomic status or my interests.  I am so grateful for the discernment that has grown over the years so that I am able to see more clearly when my self-worth is being attacked.  When my perception in my body image starts declining I am able to step by and assess what is making me feel the way I am.  My worth is in Jesus’ love for me.  There is no negativity there, so I know that when my body image is being attacked that is not from God, it is from an enemy.  I believe God wants us to see ourselves for who we are in Him, as His creation, made in His image.  Jesus came to earth as a human, he did not need to do that.  He suffered persecution and was talked about more than I ever will be, he did not need to put himself through that.  He was actually blameless; whereas, I cause all kinds of issues for myself and have probably caused others to struggle with body image.  Jesus literally died for me and for every person ever.  Why?  Because I am worth so much to Him.  You are worth so much to Him.  I do not know how people find their worth in this world without Him. 

“I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are your works and my soul knows it very well.” Psalm 139:14 (NASB)

“God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” Genesis 1:27 (NASB)

Embrace the Snow...and the Cold

Every single winter I threaten to move away.  Move somewhere warm, with beaches, beautiful men, cocktails and palm trees.  Yet for over thirty years here I am, in the greater Chicagoland area.  Instead of a being in a land where Rafael Solano makes me a margarita while I lay in the warmth of the Miami sun…I am here (Rafael Solano: character on perhaps the best show ever written, Jane the Virgin.  If you don't know, now you know - and you should really know)!  For anyone that does not live in the same kind of climate as I do, let me introduce you to a concept - wind chill.  Wind chill is the temperature that it feels like, not the actual temperature.  For example, currently it is 11 degrees (yes, Fahrenheit), but because of the wind it feels like –4 degrees (yes, that is a negative sign, as in below zero degrees).  Instead of feeling like 11 degrees, which it is, it feels like negative 4 degrees below zero.  I am not great at math, but that is a 15 degree difference.  Those of you that may be in a warmer climate may have a hard time appreciating the difference.  You are probably thinking cold is cold, right?  What is the difference at that point?  Excellent question and sadly, I wish I didn't know, but I do know the answer.  The answer is that there is a big difference.  You can most definitely feel the difference in wind chill, especially when there is a fifteen degree difference from the actual temperature. 

Sounds awful, right?  Yes it is.  Wind chill, is like a swear word, both wind chill and wintry mix.  Both of these terms come out of the mouth of our lovely meteorologists and I just want to pop them in the jaw.  Wintry mix is an actual term, it is some foul combination of rain, freezing rain, sleet or snow. Sounds like a good time, huh?  For those of you in warmer climate, you may wonder, how do we survive or function in such conditions? Another excellent question.  Businesses and schools only get shut down if the actual temperature is really low.  By really low, I mean below negative 20 degrees or so, which generally means the wind chill is going to be in about the negative 30's or 40's at that point.  For snow, they will close only if there is a legit blizzard or in excess of about 12 inches that fall in the same storm, but even then it depends on the time frame the storm lasts.  Very technical, right?  Well not really, it is kind of a guessing game when it comes to the perimeters for which they will call school closings.  Businesses; however, really do not close, the school administrations seem to care about the children enough to allow them to stay home in adverse conditions.  Adults, on the other hand, must move ahead in the name of capitalism.  It is Chicago, we are supposed to deal with the weather because it is our climate and we must forge ahead.  This particular winter is supposed to be extra awful.  At the time I am writing this in mid-December 2016, we have already had 3 measurable snow falls, which were all snow storms by the way, and we have also had multiple negative temperature days (which lead to very negative wind chills).  Some schools have had closures already, which normally does not happen in any months other than January and February (for those of you that don't know, now you know).

Bleak, or is it?  I have decided to embrace the snow...and the cold.  Why?!  Excellent question again!  Is it because, well, it is going to be a long, cold, snowy winter?  In part yes, but there is more to it than inevitable duration.  I am working on being content, which is another word that I feel should be a swear word.  "Content (adjective): 1. satisfied with what one is or has, not wanting more or anything else" (Dictionary.com).  I feel the word contentment is overused and under emphasized in true meaning.  However, that is in fact what my goals is, to be content in whatever circumstance I find myself.  Snow and cold are included, so it is my desire and intention to embrace the snow and the cold.  Embrace it not because I like it, not because I enjoy it, not because I would not rather be elsewhere geographical or just that I would rather it be summer already.  I am embracing the snow and cold because I want to be content in whatever circumstance I find myself.  No matter what my circumstance, I want to live abundantly, not in constant desire for the next stage to begin.  Being content does not mean being fully fine with the way things are, but being satisfied to the point that if nothing were to change, I could live a fully abundant life, without want.  Settling is not what I am talking about, that is different from contentment.  Settling is giving up, contentment is finding joy in our current circumstances.  We should all have goals and ambitions and strive for them, but we should not live in a future state of being.  So often we need to be able to appreciate, survive and thrive where we are before we can handle what the next season of life brings. 

Trust and believe, I know a new season will come!  Spring sounds like such a glorious season right now, as I am currently existing in negative wind chills.  Spring has warmer weather, flowers, bright colors, but spring also has rain storms, tornadoes and floods.  On this earth, we will always experience the good and bad in any season we find ourselves.  We will prefer some seasons over others of course, but none of them are without struggle.  Those of us that experience a solid four seasons climatically in a year, understand that change is inevitable, but it is also coveted.  Some people really do love the winter, some love the spring, summer or fall.  Yet the person standing next to them may prefer a different season entirely.  We cannot live in every season constantly waiting for next season to begin or dreading the next season that is going to come upon us.  Our lives happen in every moment and if we are blessed to be around for the next season, we will be grateful we had to go through the last season.  If we were constantly in our favorite season in life, we would miss so much.  We would miss so many opportunities for growth and change in ourselves, but also in others.  Where we are in a particular season can influence and encourage others in a powerful way.  The season we are in is not all about us.

So I am choosing to embrace the snow...and the cold because I know that I need to appreciate this season to prepare me for the next season.  Frankly, I am at a place in life where I prefer to appreciate and grow in the place where I am right now than constantly be waiting for the next season. So I am choosing to embrace the snow…and the cold.

Philippians 4:11-13 (NASB) “Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.  I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”

Introducing: A – All My Issues

This post idea came to me when I was with a wonderful group of women, who have been huge supporters, encouragers and reality checkers in my life.  I am honored to call these lovelies my friends. Even if you have no religious affiliation or your affiliation differs from mine, I know that you will be able to relate to me on this post series in some way.  I am just going to set it up for you so you understand where my head was at when the idea came.  Basically I was with these women in our bible study and we had an exercise where we were supposed to fill out a characteristic of God for each letter of the alphabet A-Z.  I…was not paying attention, fail.  So I thought we were supposed to fill in our personal areas that we struggle with that God is working on in our lives (clearly not paying attention at all, as that was not at all the directive).  I took a deep breath because honestly I felt I could fill out several alphabets with all my issues I needed to work on.  For the letter A, I put "A-All My Issues".  As I wrote it down I said it out loud, fortunately the girls in my group think I am hilarious and did start laughing.  Ever since then, and it has been a running joke with my group.  Alas, it really is not a joke so much as truth in all of our lives at this point. 

In the spirit of “A-All My Issues”, I will be running a blog series on my issues A-Z.  So I will rotate one post from this series with other standalone posts so that I can give you all a break from all my issues and talk about, well probably more of my issues just in a different form. I hope you enjoy this series and get a get a good laugh at least!

Dedication: All the lovely, Godly females in my small group (small group: a bible study that really is a life support group where you meet really amazing people, who you can be real and honest with) circa Spring 2016.  So thankful you are all as messed up as I am! ;)  I praise the Lord for you ladies, this post most definitely would not exist without you appreciating and encouraging my humor!

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