G – Gangster
Gangster. Thug-ish. A little bit hood. It is the bad boy paradigm. Who does not like a bad boy?! Nobody…well at least not this girl. One of my main issues with men is that I am most definitely attracted to the gangster type of guy. In case you are confused, I will give you a couple examples for a visual. Omari Hardwick’s character Ghost from “Power” wears a suit, but he is most definitely hood (never mind that his character is in fact a drug dealer). Then there is Jason Momoa’s character Drogo on “Game of Thrones” (seriously, the only reason I started watching the show), a savage barbarian who would kill anyone that messes with his kingdom or (more importantly) his queen. One of my personal favorites Nicky Jam, reggaeton singer/songwriter, who is all tatted up to his neck and face (my Spanish is not great, but it is good enough to know that he could be trouble, but I pretend to be ignorant to the fact). Feel free to pause at this point and Google any and all of the above for your reference. What do these men have in common? As one of my friends likes to put it, they all look like they could have been in prison, should have been in prison or are going to prison at some point (do I need remind you of Jeremy Meeks – aka hot mugshot guy). Again, feel free to Google him now as well. All these dudes, they are exactly my type – Gangster!
Some of you know EXACTLY what I am talking about and you did not need to Google a single one of those men because you get it, you feel me. You were like yep, yep, yep and yep! You did not even blink an eye because you have the same syndrome I do! Then there are some of you who do not understand at all. You just do not understand and are asking yourself right now, why on earth would she desire someone she knows is probably no good or at least not a great idea? Excellent question by the way, which I will answer for you in a moment. So you either fall into one of those two groups of people or you fall into the third category…you actually are the gangster type (or at least you like to be perceived as such). If you are that guy, definitely read to the end of this post.
Why am I attracted to the gangster type? See here is the thing, I want someone who will make me feel like a woman and petite (petite I am not, but I like to feel that way). I have been told that I can be intimidating, that I have a strong personality and it can be difficult for men to approach me. As such, pretty much the only guys that do approach me are in fact thug-ish because they are the ones who have the wherewithal to speak to me. I am not saying, by any means, that I am too whatever for men to approach me. Sometimes I wonder why it is that the gangster type is the only type of guy that will step to me. To be fair, I do like an assertive, dominate and masculine type of guy - so that may come across in my body language. My personality type is strong enough that I can see why if someone was timid that they would not want approach me. It is my opinion though, for the record, that I am very approachable and friendly. I smile and I do not believe that I have RBF at all (go ahead and Google that if you need to, just remember I did not come up with it and I do not condone the usage of the term, so calm down). Despite the image I have of myself as an approachable woman, I still do not get very many nice, Godly, available men coming after me. So that is part of the problem for sure, my sampling is a little skewed.
There is also the edge factor. The edge, in that, I want to be with someone who can pick me up and (frankly) be able to put me up against a wall when the moment of passion hits. You can go ahead and thank one of my other friends for that visual (you see, it is not only me)! I am a thick woman, so being able to pick all this up is a trick…but it can be done. So the edge, the edge is so much about sex right? Let me just be honest with you right now. You know it, I know it sex is a huge part of the bad boy attraction. Wanting someone who can be and desires to be, extra or extraordinarily sexual is a turn on for sure. Most of the time that does not end up being something that crazy, just different from whatever it is you are accustomed too. It is that chemistry you know, just the chemicals. For those of us that have the urge, we truly desire an explosive sex life in the appropriate context. If that is not you, that is cool, not everyone is built that way. If you are built that way, do not feel bad that you desire sex because it is part of how God made us. God designed sex and He designed us, He just really wants us to know how great sex can be in the right context. He also does not want us to suffer the consequences that inevitably come from sex outside of the boundary of marriage. Unfortunately, I did not heed this warning and have struggled with sex in the right context as a result. I have definitely learned and grown from the decisions I have made. Although, I know a lot of my struggles with the whole bad boy, thug-ish thing are because of my past choices and a taste that I have developed for a certain type of man. Can I just take a moment and praise the Lord for redemption from the past and the ability to move forward in mercy every day?! If it was not for redemption and mercy I would most definitely not be writing this blog today and would be an even bigger mess than I was before.
Explosive sexuality that leads to explosive sex? Yes please, that is most definitely a characteristic I desire for my husband. Mind you there many things that I desire in a husband, an explosive sex life is only one of the aspects I desire and not even the most important (just the most distracting). The sexual aspect just happens to be one of those things that will mess us up! You may need abc and xzy in the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, but if they have the edge sexual quotient, you might forget how the alphabet both begins and ends. Can I get a witness on that one?! I think we all know that sex makes us stupid, that is clear. Not even necessarily sex though, just the possibility of such with the flirtation and seduction that precedes will mess with our brain function. The problem too often resides there in lack of clear thinking, which is part of the allure of a gangster type dude. The edge of the cliff, after all, is right where we go before we fall off the cliff. So simple, but it takes so many mistakes and risks before we remember that we willingly went to the edge to begin with. We do not like to remember our part in going to the edge when we are on the ground in a heap of pain, heartache and tears.
As women, I think a lot of times we do like the paradox of “fixing” the bad boy. It is a challenge that would make us different from all the other women these men have encountered. If we are able to change a man, we are priceless and irreplaceable. Who does not want to be priceless and irreplaceable right? You would be a next level boss chick if you are able to achieve "fixing" a man. However, in this frame of mind we will only become priceless and irreplaceable to them if we can indeed “fix” them. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are not capable of “fixing” a man. If any of us think we have “fixed” someone, we are really in for a wake-up call. No human can “fix” any other human. We are all broken really, just in our own ways. The desire to “fix” another human, is probably just a part of our own brokenness. Why would we think that we have any authority to fix them, especially when we have our own mess to contend with? How self-righteous of us to think that we can “fix” anyone else? I do not know about you, but I have my own problems. Yet, I have most definitely fallen into this “fix” trap.
Why? If you knew what you doing, how did you fall into the “fix” trap? It comes down to really just one thing - potential. I think potential might be the root of my gangster issues. It is the potential that makes the thug-ish guy seem attractive. If he was just trouble and I knew it, there would not be a lot of incentive to continue forward, at least not for any lasting relationship. It is that glimmer of hope, no matter how small, of potential that will fuel the flame. You really do think that they are going to change. You believe they will change because they have it in them to do so, we all do after all. We all have the potential to change. We all learn, we all grow and we all mature. So I convince myself that this time it will work because of the potential I see in him. Be yourself, be a good influence and be everything that he has been missing is what I tell myself. It does not seem that toxic of a mindset at first, but that is the problem. Deception is deceitful and if deception is clever (and it is), it will be very subtle. After all, if you have ever dated a thug-ish guy, he has probably told you that you were the best thing that ever happened to him. It feels great to hear that, let me tell you. The problem though is that the statement is in the past tense, after it is over. “You were the best…”
Even his perception of what he is telling you is deception. Not necessarily because he is intentionally being deceptive, although he may be. When you realize the truth and are honest with yourself, you know that you were never really the best thing that ever happened to him. Maybe you were used as an instrument for him to come to the realization that there is more and better for him, but you were not the best thing. Sorry, not sorry if that hurt to hear, but the best thing cannot be another broken person. As difficult as it is to come to terms over these bad boy relationships ending, I am so thankful when they are over. Mind you, it is not usually right away that I am thankful, it can take me a good long while to realize that I am thankful. If the whole time of a relationship I thought I was just helping the other person out by being with them…that is not any good either. People will tell you that you deserve so much better and that there is someone out there that deserves to be with you and vice versa. All that may be true and is fine and well. When I am honest with myself though, I know that the relationship also made me realize how much more work I have to yet to be done in me. I have changes to continuously make before I could really ever be what I was trying to make him all along – my potential.
As it turns out my issue with the gangster type guy, is really my own issues with myself. All of us are broken, each one of us. All of us are able to obtain the same mercy and redemption. All of us are going to be unsatisfied if we look to each other to get "fixed". God forgive me in my brokenness trying to fix myself and fix others when I know that is not even my job, but I am so thankful that it is yours.
“Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.” Galatians 6:7 (ESV)
“Why do you see the speck in your brother’s eye, but fail to see the beam of wood in your own? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye,’ while there is a beam in your own? You hypocrite! First remove the beam from your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:3-5 (NET)
“But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Mark 10:6-9 (NIV)