Wait...What Just Happened?!

Wait...what just happened?!  This is a phrase that went through my mind and probably across my lips about 8,524 times this year.  To anyone that lived this year can probably agree and say the same.  After all, there was so little we all did agree on this year, BUT collectively we were all blown away.  Even the most anticipatory and cynical among us were just dumbfounded with 2020.  We have blamed 2020, as if the calendar, the revolving of the planet around the sun, or the days, hours, and minutes of this particular year were to blame.  2020 was not the culprit though, it was just sitting here minding its own business while everything that happened within its walls gave it a real bad reputation.  Real bad.  History books for generations talking about it type of bad reputation.  I must say, I certainly have a better understanding of the concept of “the sins of the father” and “generational sin” after all the negative events that happened this year.  Sadly, the future will have to contend with many of the things that transpired in 2020.  Even more sadly, we had to contend with it all – in real time.  Not only did we have to deal with everything that happened in real time, we had information coming at us at a pace never seen before with the sometimes all too rapid method of delivery we have in the internet.  We could barely read what just happened before the next thing happened.  To the point that we had to stop every time and say, “Wait..WHAT just happened?!”  It was like living in the conscious stream of thought of another human being.  Every thought was broadcasted immediately, and we had to receive the information, digest it, process it, cross check our sources, decide how we felt and thought about what was just received, and react (flawlessly, of course, because we are all too aware that we would get canceled if we did not) within the span of one minute before the next thought was broadcasted out.  The problem was - it was not just a stream of consciousness; it was really all happening and fast.

We lived history this year.  We always have of course, but this year it was palpable.  Every moment we could feel history happening.  Truthfully so much happened it is hard to even hit the highlights.  Part of the reason why there has not been a blog since January is because I just could not write fast enough to keep up with one thing, let alone all of things.  By the time I would type something out, it was obsolete.  Again, that has always the case, but this year I understood the concept in a new way, and I was painfully aware that I was living history.  When I watch documentaries about historic events or read our ever so skewed accounts of history in textbooks, I would wonder about the people who were living at that time.  What did they think?  What was happening in their minds as all this transpired right in front of them?  Well, now I know – at least from my individual perspective.  

I would say that I am an emotional writer by nature (just like I am an emotional eater, an emotional reactor, an emotional train wreck, etc. – you get the idea).  I write when my emotions need it, it is my therapy (although legit therapy is also needed).  Sometimes though, we are not ready to do the hard work of therapy.  We know it will help us and through helping us it will help everyone around us.  Just like every flight attendant ever told us, put your oxygen mask on first before you put one on your neighbor.  I did not do a great job at that this year.  The oxygen I needed was sometimes left hanging in suspension while I attempted to reach over to come to my neighbor’s aid.  It was always hanging right in front of me, but I was too anxious about trying to help those around me.  I wanted to love my neighbor as myself this year – more than ever before.  Yet, I was not loving myself enough to help my neighbor in the way that they needed.

This year was TOUGH!!!  That is perhaps the understatement of 2020.  Throughout my life, I have persisted and been disciplined in so many areas for so many different reasons.  I did them all imperfectly of course, but I had to set these boundaries up and do everything that I could to stick with them.  Those moments did help prepare me to be persistent and disciplined in a year of chaos and confusion.  I used both aspects to the best of my ability to stay afloat.  Persistence to continue to move forward.  Discipline to not fall into every vice imaginable.  Persistence to gather and learn about topics that I thought I knew about but realized how little I really did know; as well as, things I had never even heard of before.  Discipline to rely on God in every single moment as if my life and everyone else’s in the world depended on Him.  Persistence to not fall into the deepest of depressions and stay on the floor in a ball forever.  Discipline to recognize the rotation of the earth did not stop and life continues. 

Despite my years of practicing persistence and discipline.  I had many days that I failed with both - hard.  Some days I did not feel like I could move forward.  Much of the time I did fall into vices to dull the pain of reality.  A lot of the time I had to just turn it all off – the news, social media, and just turtle into my shell for protection.  I wish I could say I relied on God every moment for both myself and the rest of humanity, but I did not do that every day.  Collectively I think we all had a low-grade or not so low-grade depression and I am no exception.  There were big chunks of time that I completely did not even realize were happening because I was stuck on March 13th, then again on May 25th, and then the perpetual longing for November 3rd to be done and gone only to have that drag on for much longer than I thought my spirit could take.  So no, my persistence and discipline did not carry me through 2020 like I thought. 

When I sat down today to write it was an act of discipline out of a desire for persistence.  I love this blog, I love to write, and I love this outlet, but like I said – my discipline and persistence did not carry me through the year.  I truly did not know what was going to come out when I sat down at my laptop.  As I am typing now, I still do not know what is going to come out.  All of this may make not make any sense or resonate to anyone except for me, but I pray it does.  I pray one morsel of this one chunky cookie of a blog will speak to someone (clearly my obsession for making Christmas cookies is melting into my blog).  All I knew when I sat down to write today is that it was time.  It was time to write, not just for me, but for you – whoever you are.  It is time.  It has been a long year that feels like it lasted both 10 minutes and 10 years simultaneously.  I cannot believe it is already New Year’s Eve and yet am praising God that the year is finally ending and that it is actually New Year’s Eve!  So strange, but if you are like anyone I have talked to this year, you get it too.  It is time to put pen to paper or fingers to the keyboard and save to the cloud, whichever metaphor works best for you.  It is time.  My words are too limited as a human to try to break everything down for you that happened this year.  There are plenty of others who will write many, many words about this year.  There will be volumes upon volumes, and we will have not even scratched the surface of the COVID-19 pandemic, social and racial injustice, political upheaval both domestically and internationally, America or the entire massiveness that is rest of the world.  I will not try to, in vain, put my thoughts and words down here about this year.  Not today.  Maybe another day, just not today.  Today is just about starting again.  After the need to stop and absorb.  To witness and to mourn.  To pray and to recover hope.  Pick back up and dust off.  Reclaim confidence and joy.  Today, that is all I can do – just to begin again.

As I begin again, I would love to go back 12 months to the woman that sat at this same laptop as she typed her blog and look her directly in her overeager eyes and say, “Honey, you do not even know what you are going to have to face, what your friends will have to face, what your family will have to face, what your coworkers will have to face, what your neighbor who you have never met will face, what your nation will face, what your planet will face, what humanity will face, or what your soul will face in 2020.  Do not blame the year my dear, but do not place your hope in 2020 and that perfect vision you have planned.  Do not be so arrogant as to think you know what is going to happen tomorrow or even in the next conscious minute.  Do not be so righteous as to think you know what should and should not be.  Do not take for granted your breath that you are taking in right at this moment.  Cherish what you have.  Be eternally grateful for every single blessing God has bestowed upon your life.  Remember that so much of what you have was not earned, it was paid at a price.  You are no better than anyone else and no one is better than you.  We are all humans – fallible, susceptible, flawed, unfinished.  I know you think you know all this, but you do not.  Be humble, be teachable, be strong, be courageous, but most of all – remember who you are and remember whose you are.”

This year my resolutions and goals will be different.  They will be there, but I will take the wisdom that I wish I had one year ago today and move forward with caution and the boldness of a lion.  For today though, I will just begin again.

Happy New Year my friends and lovelies and oh yeah…Happy Blogiversary too!!!

Scriptures:

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not be terrified nor dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1: 9 (NASB)

“Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?” Jesus said to him, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. The second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the law and the prophets depend on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:36-40 (NET)

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (NIV)

“The wicked flee when no one pursues,
But the righteous are bold as a lion.” Proverbs 28:1 (NKJV)

“One who is wise is cautious and turns away from evil,
but a fool is reckless and careless.” Proverbs 14:16 (ESV)

“So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34 (AMP)

M - Married Men

The original vision for this blog was for “M - Men” because, as you probably already know, men are one of my many issues.  There is a lot to that particular story.  I could fill many pages about my issues with men or those that stem from men.  So I will narrow it down.  Let me be more specific.  Focus in on an area that bares the most pain.  At this point you probably do not need a note of warning or caution because the title has hopefully already done that.  I am certain, if you have chosen to read this blog, that the title is what captured your attention.  The intrigue and the curiosity gets us every time, does it not?  Before I begin, let me preface that I do not have an issue with the institution of marriage.  Actually, I have a substantial level of reverence and respect for marriage.  I do desire to be married at some point if that is what becomes of one of my relationships.  My issue is not with marriage itself, my issue is with married men.  Not all married men of course, just certain individual ones.  The married man that I take issue with is the one who hits on, flirts with, or ignites a romantic relationship with any woman who is not their wife.  I also take issue with the woman who goes along with the advances of a married man.  What I dislike the most, is when that woman is me. 

Yes, I had an affair with a married man.  Then I had an affair with another married man.  Any judgement that you feel coming on toward me is a natural human response, so please go ahead and feel that for a moment.  Take a moment, really.  I imagine a lot of you are judging me.  Let me assure you that I used to be quite judgmental about the topic of extramarital affairs myself.  In fact, a younger, more naïve me very much thought that having an affair with a married person was probably one of the worse things you could do in life.  Having an affair was one of the worst “bad” things you could do.  Sinful yes, but also just wrong, no matter who you are or what you believe.  I quantified affairs as one of the worst actions, but also as a worse sin.  I thought to myself, and I remember it very clearly, I would never do that.  Never.  I would also never be able to forgive someone who cheated on me.  Never.  As the adage goes…never, say never.  Never say never, ever.

Humans are capable of anything, truly anything.  Not all humans are capable of all things perhaps because we are all different, each with a different makeup and different experiences.  We are all capable of a lot more than we realize though.  How could they do that?!  How many times have all of us said that about someone who did something unexpected?  Something hurtful?  Something painful?  Something devastating?  Or even something destructive?  I have been hit with the unexpected, been hurt, been in pain, been devastated, and been the victim of destructive behavior.  I have done the unexpected, I have caused hurt, I have caused pain, I have caused devastation, and I have been the cause of destruction.  If you looked at me and you knew nothing about me, would you be able to tell that those things have happened to me?  Moreover, would you be able to tell that I have done the things that I have done?  Maybe, but maybe not.  You would be surprised what people do.  Well you would be surprised unless you, like me, have been ripped from your pedestal of judgement as a result of your actions.  I am no longer surprised when I hear someone has had an affair or has gotten cheated on.  Not because I am heartless, it is quite the opposite actually.  My heart is just sensitive, because it knows exactly what is going on.  It has been there, it knows.  Since my heart knows, I am not at all surprised.

The first time I was relatively clueless.  I saw him, I was attracted.  Not sure if he was interested, but I thought he might be.  Tall, dark, and handsome - exactly what I always wanted.  Exactly what I was always told I should want.  Kids who he adored.  No ring or evidence of any woman in his life.  Well-liked by those that knew him.  Good guy.  Went to church.  Had a plan.  Was not perfect, I was sure, but I could not figure out how because everything looked good on paper and looked real good in person.  He came around, more and more often.  Flirted.  Knew what to say and when to say it.  He started messaging.  Talked more and then more.  He asked for my number.  He started texting.  We started dating.  Physical attraction combined with spiritual and emotional attraction – I never stood a chance.  Fell quickly, too quickly – like I always do.  Told him I was in love, he told me the same.  Told me it was complicated, but that he loved me.  “I have to tell you something,” he said.  Long story, tap dance, details on details, over explanation, words, words, and more words, then…“I’m married.”  He told me with a level of pain in his eyes.  Then I said…“I love you anyway,” and I said it confidently.  I believed it because I did love him.  I loved him already, so I did not stop loving him because these words came across his lips that had already kissed mine so many times.  I was convinced.  I was gone.  I had already fallen.  That was how I met, started dating, and fell in love with a married man.

It is true indeed that both love AND lust are blind…so very blind.  Not a doubt, not one doubt in my mind that this man was supposed to be my forever.  So strange because my trust issues had been so deep and wide up to this point.  Yet I was sure of him, I was sure I was sure.  I thought we were meant for each other.  Imagine my surprise when the man who told me he loved me, wanted to marry me, wanted me to be step mother to his children, was shopping for engagement rings, and planning where we would live would just suddenly pull away.  Pulled away just far enough that I knew something was really wrong.  He said he needed time.  I believed in us, I was not worried about us, just worried for him.  Then one day he came to me and said, “I need to work it out with her.”  Emptiness…a void…disbelief.  A pain like I have never felt before and hope I will never feel again…a pain that I wish on absolutely no human being on the planet.  The rest of the story is long, but it lead me to the next story.

My heart was not broken, it was shattered.  Do you know the difference?  I did not until that moment.  When something breaks, it has the potential to be put back together.  Shattered is when there will be no repair.  Shattered…I knew I would not be able to find all of the pieces, I probably would not be able to see them through the tears anyway.  Sure enough, they did not come back together ever again in quite the same way.  In a season that followed of self-destruction and a desire to feel anything, there were a couple guys.  One of whom, it turned out, was engaged to another woman and failed to mention that fact.  Said goodbye quickly to him.  Another one gave me lasting consequences and left nothing but regret in his wake.  Happily said goodbye again.  Those two men were between the first affair and the second.  The appetite to fill in the spaces in between the shattered pieces continued. 

The second time I had an affair I had seen him around.  He was very attractive and I knew he felt the same about me.  All it took was a look from him, I cannot forget that look - it is seared into my memory bank.  I knew he wanted me and I took advantage of the attention.  The switch in my walk was always ready when I knew he was looking.  In the pain of my heartbreak I took the looks of lust and reveled in them.  I knew I should not, but in the aching I wanted to feel good, to be wanted, to be desired.  I did not know him, but knew people who did.  J Cole played as part of the soundtrack of my life during that time, “my home girls tried to warn me, they tried to let me know.”  They really did try, but I did not listen.  All it took was that one moment, that one look, on Valentine’s Day.  Of course it was Valentine’s Day, I had never had a man on any Valentine’s Day in my entire life.  He messaged me because he found me.  He knew my name, I knew he did.  I asked him why he was talking to me because I thought he was married.  He said he was.  He did not lie about that, he was always honest about that.  We talked, messaged, text, and spoke on the phone for months.  “It is just flirtation,” I told myself.  “I cannot cross that line again,” I told myself.  “It is innocent and no one is getting hurt,” I told myself.  I knew those were lies, I was lying to myself.  We lie the best to ourselves. 

Four months went by.  Over and over he tried many times, he loved the chase.  I loved that he loved the chase.  Then one day, I saw the possibly start to slip away and then I said yes.  That day it hit me hard.  I realized I did not just start having an affair that day, it started four months prior on Valentine’s Day.  That affair lasted too long.  Far too long.  Not months, but years.  Not consistent, sporadic because…well, it was still the chase.  The chase kept it going.  I tried to cut it off dozens of times.  When I say dozens, I literally mean dozens of times I tried to quit, no exaggeration.  He caught me almost every time.  If I told you the rest of the story you would know why.

The third time it had been over two years since I cut off the second one.  Wait, a third?!  I did not mention the third time before.  The third time was different.  For two years I had been celibate and managed, by only the grace of God, not to give in to the second one again.  Do not be confused, he did try, many times.  Not certain if it was for good that he was gone, but at least it was for now.  I had been able to stand my ground.  All I could do was take it moment by moment.  It had been awhile, I thought I was doing ok.  Every time I think I am doing ok though, then I am not – I am not ok.  The third time took me off guard, but then I realized I should have seen him coming.  Once again, I knew he was married.  As before, I knew he was feeling me before he ever said a word.  I was feeling him as well.  By this point, I had gotten pretty good at reading the looks of married men.  Camouflaged as a causal conversation, he found out my name.  Messaged me.  We started talking.  Flirting.  Same story - I knew exactly where this was going.  So I asked, “Why is a married man, such as yourself, checking for me?”  He told me I was intriguing, intelligent, interesting, and most importantly - sexy.  There it was.  Nothing new, same as always.  If it had all been the same, what was different this time?  The third time, I ended it before it became a relationship, before it became sexual, before it caused any excess damage.  I could already feel myself becoming attached, it had to stop.  So, I stopped it there.  Right there.

The story is not over, this is just as far as I have gotten.  In between and since one, two, and three many other married men have looked me up and down, flirted with me, and asked me out.  I denied them all.  Seems like it should count for something.  Does it count for something?  It does not negate what I have done, definitely not.  All of that was very real and affected many people, whether they ever realized it or not.  There is growth, lessons have been learned.  My mind, body, and soul want nothing more than to close this chapter on the issue of “M” forever.  Yet, I am not as naïve as I was before the first one.  I know that the chapters of my issues do not fully close, but they can evolve.  The affect and impact will come with as I go forward, as they will for everyone else that has been impacted.  I suspect there may be more married men that cross my path in the future.  There is grace in learning from the mistakes and facing the consequences.  Dealing with the past and the reasons for my actions is an ongoing process.  Asking for forgiveness for the unexpected, the hurt, the pain, the devastation, and the destruction that I have caused.  Forgiving those men for the unexpected, the hurt, the pain, the devastation, and the destruction they have caused.  Then, forgiving myself for the unexpected, the hurt, the pain, the devastation, and the destruction that I caused myself.  Forgiving myself – that is the hardest one to do.  Remember the past, learn the pattern, forgive, move forward, and do better.  One season does not define every season, but it will impact them all.

Scriptures:

“Because of the Lord’s faithful love we do not perish, for His mercies never end.  They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness!” Lamentations 22-23 (HCSB)

“The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
    slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse,
    nor will he harbor his anger forever;
he does not treat us as our sins deserve
    or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
    so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
    so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” Psalm 103:8-12 (NIV)

“For thus says the Lord, ‘When seventy years have been completed for Babylon, I will visit you and fulfill My good word to you, to bring you back to this place.  For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.  Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.  I will be found by you,’ declares the Lord, ‘and I will restore your fortunes and will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you,’ declares the Lord, ‘and I will bring you back to the place from where I sent you into exile.’” Jeremiah 29:10-14 (NASB)

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might.  Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.  For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.  Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.  Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace.  In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak.” Ephesians 6:10-20 (ESV)

Begin Again

Time to begin again. Another close to another year.  A chance to start fresh with a new year.  We even get to start a whole new decade, so it feels extra important to me.  I have been thinking about the new year a little more than normal this time around. Maybe because we are ushering in a new decade, but more likely because I have been thinking back on what I thought 2019 was going to be.  Reflecting on the last year I thought about this exact same moment a year ago.  Hopes for the future and a belief in a long-awaited breakthrough in my life.  Breakthrough was the word last year that I felt heavy on my heart going into 2019.  It was the title of the blog for last New Year’s Eve and it went right in the middle of my vision board.  As I was reflecting on what my plans and dreams had been for this last year, I was a little saddened.  The breakthroughs that I was hoping and waiting on did not transpire as I had hoped.  In fact, I was wondering if any progress had been made at all.  Optimism, combined with realistic planning and execution, can result in some amazing breakthroughs, but in my case, it just did not feel like the work was paying off at all.   

In the area of romantic relationships, I put myself out there, as they say, and dated a lot.  There were a couple possibilities for a moment or two, but those were not right.  So, I let those go.  Frustrated because I really have done a lot of work on myself in the past several years and I am still just as single as I was then.  Despite active changes and growth in this area, a lasting relationship still eludes me. Irritated because I dated more this year than I had in all of my life and still no one who had the same beliefs as I do and who was also a compatible partner.  Then an ex popped back into the picture.  A long overdue, much needed apology, with promises for a future.  As anticipated, that fizzled quickly, I mean QUICKLY.  If you blinked you missed it, Lord knows I almost did.  

So a few weeks ago I was like God – WHAT IS UP???  I do not understand any of this.  The whole relationship venture this year seemed as if it was supa dupa pointless!  As I was talking it over with Him, or more accurately – as I was complaining about how these dudes really do act a fool sometimes, I felt that God pretty much just stopped me cold in my rant.  He said, listen – now you know none of this was pointless.  It all was for a purpose and still is, just because you cannot see the reasoning yet, does not mean it was for nothing.  Then I replied, alright Lord...well then WHAT, exactly (with all due respect) should I be taking away from this dating debacle of a year?  Well, Ms. Bentley – my dear, sweet, crabby child – what you SHOULD be taking away from this is a few things.  One, you went on some really great dates with some decent men that treated you well, even if it was for only that one date – that is some serious progress.  I just wanted to show you that I did actually make some men who can be chivalrous, kind, funny, and interesting to bring back a renewal of hope for you in that area.  You can take away from all of this that the men you had dated in the past, that treated you poorly, are not the only types of men out there.  You can also take away that you are doing exactly what we have previously discussed, on numerous occasions, that you should be doing.  You are being more selective and discerning, not so easily deceived by charm and good looks, which are fleeting.  What you have learned is that you do not have to kiss anyone unless you want to.  You have learned that you do not owe anyone anything except for the pleasure of your company. You have learned to just enjoy a date with a man for what it is and then call it exactly what it is.   

God continued, concerning this ex of yours my darling, I know him and I know what happened with you two.  I laid it on his heart to apologize, which is something you have desired since things ended the first time.  He sees me in you and that is part of why he was attracted to come back.  You now know that just because someone apologizes it does not make everything all good and does not change who they are or who you are.  It just makes it a better atmosphere for you both to be able to move forward with what I have for you both.  You realized that you did not have to go back to an old situation and fold like you have previously done.  You were able to make an informed, educated decision, and you asked me why on earth this was even happening.  Then I made the answer very clear so that the decision was extremely easy for you to make.  Yes, it was all very emotional and pulled a lot of things out of you that you did not think you needed to deal with.  You also were forced to juggle a lot of emotions at once that you did not think you could handle, on top of everything else you were going through, but you handled it. You handled it because you asked for my help and that chapter ended quickly and relatively painless, in comparison to the past.  You are welcome.  Love, your Father in heaven. 

Ooooookkkkkk yes, you are right Lord.  You did actually do all of that and it was not pointless after all.  In fact, I think it was all necessary, even though I could not see it at the time.  I am sure there is a lot still to come from the dating extravaganza of 2019 that I have not fully realized yet either.  Not the breakthrough I was hoping for, but most definitely a breakthrough. 

Another major area that I really strug-GLED with this year is my career.  Writing is not yet my career, despite my persistent efforts, that still has not come to pass.  The exhausting amount of time and energy spent working on my writing, filling out applications, sending out resumes and writing samples, making connections, and networking HARD all continued this year, as it had from the years prior.  Yet, it still has not happened.  I feel like a failure every time one of these jobs slip through my fingertips, which unfortunately happened many times this year.  Though I feel terrible every time from yet another rejection, there is no other option for me than to keep going.  Lessons were definitely learned, but mostly...it felt pointless.  

Once again, I asked God – WHAT IS THE POINT THOUGH???  If I just keep getting rejected why are we STILL doing this??? You could easily put me in another job and get me on the writing track, but you have not, so what are we doing?  He broke it down for me again.  God said, obviously, the writing is not skyrocketing with frequency over here, but you kind of do know why.  This year has been one of the busiest seasons that I have had you in, but also it has been a season of huge moves too.  There were some big writing moves this year.  Only a few blogs were posted, yes, but I put you in the path of others who want to write as well and nudged you to join two different writing groups.  Even though both of those groups did not turn out exactly as you thought they would, they did yield results.  New friendships, closer friendships, bonds with others who I have instilled dreams and goals into, accountability, and time to write that you would not have used to write during this very busy season.  You started a novel that will get finished at some point and subsequently continued working on the one that you had already started.  Just because they are not finished yet and you are not as far along on those as you would like, does not mean that they will never be completed.  Writing a book is hard.  I do not know if you heard my child, but as God of creation I am here to tell you, it is hard.  Being vulnerable is hard.  Being inspired is hard.  You keep writing though!  This is the blogiversary after all and you are writing this post. 

Ooooookkkkkk, yes, once again - you are right Lord.  All this is actually true and not pointless to keep moving forward.  Not the breakthrough I was hoping for, but still a breakthrough. 

My full-time gig is still there, but has gotten sustainably less bearable due to some recent changes and continues to bore me to tears – literally and figuratively.  So what Lord, WHAT AM I STILL DOING THERE???  Honey child, listen – I cannot tell you that YET.  You will find out.  I know you feel like you have been out here in the wilderness of this job (that I have provided for you - may I remind you), but there is a reason.  If you are honest with me right now, you can admit some of those reasons have already been revealed.  It is just a far longer road than ever you thought it would be.  You have become strong in ways you never thought were possible, ways that you had zero desire to be strong in, but look at you now!  Look at the encouragement that I have put around you to help you keep going when it feels like too much.  This world is too much, but that is why you need my strength and not yours boo boo.  I GOT YOU!!!  I really do.  You know this is not forever and that this is all temporary. 

Ooooookkkkkk, yes God.  I hear you, this one is tough for me though.  I know you are right, but it is difficult to stay here. 

Then He said to me, you know what you should do Holly?  No idea Lord, I think that is pretty clear right now (with all due respect).  He gives me the side eye (at least that is how I picture God talking to me in my mind) and He says, tell these people what DID breakthrough in your career and finances that you were not expecting at all a year ago. 

Oh yes!!!  I should tell them that!  You are right, let me bring the people who are still reading up to speed.  Wine life was the breakthrough I definitely did not see coming.  I definitely was not expecting it a year ago.  Zero clue.  Clueless.  Last holiday season I was kicking around the idea of getting a part-time gig and several possibilities arose, but frankly – they all sucked.  I was not happy about even contemplating getting a part-time gig.  I thought, no matter what it would be, I would hate my life.  I mean I already have a full-time job that was being super inconsistent with overtime and I could not stand that place anyway.  Now I was going to try to work more with ANOTHER job.  The blog, my writing, my sleep, my sanity, my happiness, my relationships, and my peace would get sacrificed, but the fact remained that my finances needed to change.  I could not wait for a new full-time job to make my career in writing, things needed to change now.   

Every one of the not so great part time possibilities fell through.  I was not really mad about that, but I was mad that my financial situation would not change either since all these possibilities fell through.  In February and March I got invited to a couple wine nights that friends of mine were having.  I was not able to go to the first one because I was sick (freakin’ winter colds).  The second one though, I was able to make and wine night with the girls changed my life.  The woman who was doing the wine tasting pairings as the wine consultant was so nice and genuine, I gravitated to her right away.  To myself I thought...I can do what she is doing.  I love wine.  I love food that goes with wine.  I like people, well – some of the time, enough to recommend them wine anyway.  We chatted about why she started her wine consultant gig and then we chatted about why I should start.  Within a week or so, I had decided I should do this for my side job.  So now, I have a part-time job that I enjoy and that could even become a full-time job at some point.  Not a writing job, but a new community and connections that I never would have made.  Not to mention, getting to drink and share the best wine I have ever tasted in my life.  This is the first year that I have seen the light with my finances in a long time.  This will be the first New Year’s that I feel hope in my financial situation, even with some crazy financial episodes that transpired this year.  All of this happened because I went to a wine night with the girls.  Who knew that God would use selling wine to give me a breakthrough in my finances? 

Then God said to me, wait – did you just use the word breakthrough in all the areas you were JUST complaining that you did not receive your breakthrough in this past year??? 

Ummmm, yes Lord, yes...I did.   

He replied, ok I heard you, just making sure everyone else did. 

Looks like 2019 was the year of the breakthrough, just not in the ways that I thought they would come and the breakthroughs are probably not over in all of these areas.  These were only a few too, I have other areas I was looking for breakthroughs in.  As you all know, I have an alphabet of issues and I can tell you after I had this little convo with God, there have been breakthroughs in so many other areas as well.  Nothing looks like I thought it would, but God’s plan is probably best anyway.  He has had a perfect score so far, so I guess I need to just keep rolling with him and those breakthroughs will keep coming.  The adventure continues at midnight.  I wish you all a very Happy New Year.  I pray for your breakthroughs in the unexpected of 2020.   

Hugs and Love - Holly

Scriptures: 

“Because of the Lord’s faithful love we do not perish, for His mercies never end.  They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness!” Lamentations 3:22-23 (HCSB) 

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:1-2 (ESV)  

“For this reason also, since the day we heard this, we haven’t stopped praying for you. We are asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding, so that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him: bearing fruit in every good work and growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, so that you may have great endurance and patience, joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has enabled you to share in the saints’ inheritance in the light. He has rescued us from the domain of darkness and transferred us into the kingdom of the Son he loves. In him we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.” Colossians 1:9-14 (CSB)

Get It Together September

Summer is not over.  It is September, yes, but the first day of fall is not until September 23rd this year.  Which means we still have a few days left until it is officially fall.  If you have followed the blog at all or know me on even just an Instagram deep level you know I love summer, like LOVE summer.  So I will be enjoying every single moment left in summer!  However, I am also a big fan of the reset.  I love any occasion to reset my life and get back on track.  September lends itself so well to a reset.  School has started, Labor Day is over, the weather is already starting to change, and we are going to be in fall for real before the end of September.  For me, and I think so many other people, September is a good reset moment.

Summer is fun.  Too fun.  I, perhaps, have too much fun and get off track in pretty much every area of life.  From Memorial Day, through my birthday at the end of August, and until the last day of summer I have a really good time.  I am in vacation mode the whole summer.  That basically means more parties, cookouts, pool days, wine nights, and general merriment.  Which also means, I eat and drink too much.  I try to see everyone I know at least once, which means I do not invest in my closest friendships or family as much as I would like due to spreading myself pretty thin.  Workouts are not as hard core consistent like they are through our brutal Chicago winters.  Those strolls down the river walk and on the Mag mile do not really count as high intensity intervals.  I am not very good about getting blogs written and posted…as you may have noticed.  Side note:  I know it has been too long since the last blog when people start asking me, “Are you still doing the blog?”  Yes.  Mind your business.  I am doing the blog, but I am also doing summer.  I know I do not do enough what I need to be doing in the summer.  I just want to be at the pool.  Maybe it would be better if I lived somewhere that summer lasted longer than two months (insert eye roll, please).  But I digress, back to the reset.

“Get It Together September” – that is my current motto!!!  I just started with that within the last week so or.  Which if you are a math wiz you have calculated that I started my reset over a week into September.  Mind your business.  Stop showing off with those fancy addition and subtraction math skills.  Listen.  I was busy.  I had a lot going on.  Then I hit that wall you get after you have been going 100 miles an hour for a couple months and you realize…crap…I really need to get my life together.  A couple years ago I decided to do “Get It Together November.”  It was my antidote to get ahead of the epic calorie intake game that is the holiday season.  I decided that I was going to be super strict on my eating and working out life from November 1st to Thanksgiving Day (well maybe the night before Thanksgiving because Lord knows we all need a glass of wine as we prep for Thanksgiving Day).  What I realized (and honestly already knew) was that I have the ability to be super strict and disciplined for a short period of time when I know that I need to get ready for something that is on the horizon.  So this year I am moving up my timeline a couple months because I need to get it together in a lot of ways, not just with food and exercise before the holidays. 

2019 has been a big year for me.  As you may recall, I dubbed it the year of the breakthrough.  There has already been so many things…I will not take up space with it here because that sounds like material for an anniversary blog at the end of the year!  A lot has happened, but we still have four months left!!!  Well, three months and a couple weeks as our math savants have already calculated.  There is so much to do!  As we roll up onto the final quarter of the year I want to be READY.  In order to do that I need to check in and work some things out.

What am I actually doing to get it together?  That is great that you want to get your life together Holly, but do you actually have a plan?  A solid plan?  Yes!  That is what we need.  Here is the plan (broken down into categories because there are so many freakin’ things).  I originally had a ton that I wanted to work on for each of these.  I am a binger and I have an addictive personality.  That means that I tend to go all in hard.  For some things that is really great…for some that is really destructive.  Here that may actually set me up for failure since rehabbing your whole life in a few weeks is not super realistic.  So I am putting this out there for accountability, but also to show you what I do because some of you may be wondering (and still reading)!  If you are wondering and reading, here you go.

Health:

-        Food journaling.  I know, I know.  Yawn.  Everyone hates food journaling.  I am not saying you have to do it.  I just said I am doing it.  I started about a week ago again and I am already noticing a difference.   Funny how when you do something that worked so well in the past that it works again now.  Crazy.  Truly, throughout my weight loss and healthy lifestyle shift, food journaling has worked for me every time.  If I am really doing it with honesty and integrity it keeps me on track.  Even when I am not eating like I should, if I track it all then I can look back the next morning and say, ok…need to counter balance that with a new day today.

-        Weigh-in and measurements.  I generally weigh myself once a week because I just need to make sure I am going all the way off the rails.  The number on the scale does not control my life, as it may have at one time, but there is still significance to the number on the scale.  I use it as a check point.  Again, I know not everyone loves getting on the scale.  I do not love paying bills and doing my budget every month, but I still do it.  I only take my measurements though every few months or so because it takes some time to see the difference in those inches.  The good news is that I did both of these this week and they are about the same as they were at the beginning of summer.  Praise that I did not go too far down the rabbit hole this summer!  Just need to get tighter and righter before I buy new jeans and get into end of year holiday mode.  Preemptive holiday strike, get healthier the months before and the holidays will not take you out like you think they will!

-        Workout 5-6 times a week.  I cannot tell you how many side eyes people give me for this one.  Look, if you want to side eye me I am 100 percent ok with that.  The truth is in my normal state of being I do actually work out 4-6 times a week - that is always my goal.  Yet again, I am not saying you have to work out that frequently.  I am just saying that for me to actually lose weight and maintain this is actually how much my body has to work out.  My full time gig was crazy busy the last couple weeks and one of those weeks I did so much overtime that I did not work out one time in seven days.  Not one time.  For me, that is an eternity and my body really hates me as a result.  So I am getting back into workout mode.  Even if I am having a day where my body cannot train as hard as I would like, I still need to go and do my best.  That will be better than doing nothing.

Relationships:

-        Adapt or move on.  I have had a lot of relationships that have changed over the last few years.  Not for the worse necessarily, just changed.  When relationships change, you have to adapt and either move forward with them in a new way or move on from them.  You (and by you, I mean me) cannot live in what a relationship once was.  Be it friendship, family, acquaintance, or romantic relationship I have learned that all relationships are all in a constant state of change.  Recognizing that the other person has changed and moved into a new stage of life, but also recognizing that I have too.  Some of the changes will be more drastic and dramatic than others of course, but they all change.  If any relationship stays exactly the same for years on end, there might be some unhealthiness going on there.  When a relationship is comfortable and beneficial for both people it is so easy to just want to stay in that spot forever.  That of course is not possible because time moves forward.  Trying to keep something in motion from moving will result in getting run over.  This area is a little more difficult because it is more abstract.  The quantifiable in these instances may not be practical.  So let us just say I have to adapt in some relationships that I have been trying to keep where they were.  I have some honest and loving conversations.  I have to accept what each relationship was, currently is, and be ok if I cannot predict what is going to be.  There is internal reflection and inner dialogue that I need to do with myself.  Those relationships that I want to thrive need to be a priority and those that need some space need some set boundaries.

Career and Writing:

-        Keep going.  One of the perks of my job is that my employer and I have an open and honest dialogue about my career path.  It is a really healthy aspect of my job that I appreciate.  You cannot tell every supervisor that your job is not what you want for your life.  Fortunately, they give me space to pursue my career aspirations.  In case you were wondering, my career aspirations are in writing.  A blogger that wants to write full time???  Earth shattering.  Trust and believe - I would be blogging all day, every day if it meant I could pay my full time bills with full time money from blogging, but alas I am not there yet.  YET is the operative word.  It may not be full time blogging that is my path, but full time writing for sure.  The job applications, interviewing, and networking have been a real struggle the last few years.  I have had seasons of full force, no distraction, and all the energy going into my career.  There have also been times of for real discouragement, like deep and dark discouragement.  When you are in this mode of full force and discouragement for literally years it is tough.  Not seeing the results you want is hard in all areas of life.  God has used it ALL though.  Right now I need to laser focus in on the positions I want and apply for those, narrow the search.  I need to do a better job of keeping up my networking circle.  Then also, just write.  It is challenging when you have a full time job, a part time job, and you are trying to get your life together.  I need to remember that I have done it and I can do it.  Just need to focus back in.

Jesus:

-        Guess this could have gone under relationships, but he needs his own category in my life.  Going to need to spend some more time with him.  Started a bible study on forgetting God…well that will punch you in the gut and get you back in check in a hurry.  Thanks Israelite’s for beating me to it in the book of Judges.  At least I am not the only one that has those moments of forgetting how great God is and what ALL he has done for me.  I am so thankful I still serve a gracious God that has freed me from trying to reach perfection in my faith.  I need to make him a priority first, but I am so glad he is there every time I neglect or forget to do that.

Well, that is about a thousand words more than I was aiming to have to work on in September (she says as she actual laughs out loud at herself in Starbucks).  I promise I am working on my word count guys!  Guess I better stop writing and get it together, but hey – at least I got the writing done for today.  Anybody else need to get it together in September?  Maybe we do “Get It Together September” and then a “Keep It Together October/November/December”.  Thank you guys for listening to all my issues.  Speaking of issues…back to my series on all of my issues next time…stay tuned…

Scriptures:

“I am the true vine and my Father is the gardener.  He takes away every branch that does not bear fruit in me. He prunes every branch that bears fruit so that it will bear more fruit.  You are clean already because of the word that I have spoken to you.  Remain in me, and I will remain in you.  Just as the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it remains in the vine, so neither can you unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in me - and I in him - bears much fruit, because apart from me you can accomplish nothing.”  John 15:1-5 (NET)

“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me.  So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, catastrophes, persecutions, and in pressures, because of Christ.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.”  2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (HCSB)

“And the people of Israel did what was evil in the sight of the Lord and served the Baal’s.”  Judges 2:11 (ESV) & again all through the book of Judges

Thirst Season

Thirst season begins at that time of year when the temperature rises just high enough.  High enough that the skin needs to breathe.  A little less clothing is warranted.  You can see a little more body definition.  Just a peek of those carved muscles.  Everyone suddenly is out and about exploring the world again after the winter deep freeze.  In Chicago, that freeze lasts until about Memorial Day, no joke.  This year thirst season took its sweet time to get here.  That is ok though because when it gets here, every year, it is worth the wait.  June was a little cooler this time around, but warm enough to just start working up a thirst.  Thirst season grows even more as the weather gets even warmer, hot if you will.  By the time the temperature reaches its peak, so does thirst season.  Instead of just a little taste, you get it all.  The melanin production increases resulting in a beautiful pigmentation for all, making everyone a bit more attractive.  Even less clothes now than before.  It is that threshold where you can really appreciate someone’s workout.  Good, mediocre, or could use some work.  Regardless of the intensity and dedication level, you will see all the work that was put in at the gym in those cold weather months.  Especially when thirst season lends its aid to the pool and the beach.  Now you can see everything that you could only imagine all winter long.  We do not have to use much of our imaginations at this point because reality can be pretty enticing.  It is our current reality that fills our future fiction.

Thirst season is where the inspirational seeds are sown for the cooler months.  All the images are scorched into our mind with the swelter of the summer sun.  Burned into our memory bank to store like the squirrel stores nuts for the winter.  Unlike the squirrel, I do not need food storage to get me through the winter.  That is not what I need to store in my mind for the bitter cold months.  Instead, perhaps images of water cascading off of a tall, dark, six pack as it emerges from the water.  Sweat dripping over bi’s and tri’s while sipping hops that condensate in the scolding heat.  Seared into the temporal lobe for later recall.  Later recall for the winter…or just for later.

Who can resist thirst season?  Not many.  Not me.  Call it what you will.  Call me what you will.  Thirst season is delightful.  Definitely a favorite, if not my most favorite, time of year.  Yet it holds as the most dangerous of seasons.  Freedom abounds.  Possibilities are endless.  Responsibility falls to the wayside.  Memory loss of pains of the past give way to the focus on memories from their carnal subsidiaries.  The licentious nature wins over and over.  If not in the whole, definitely in part.  Self-control wains.  Energy to curb advances are almost nonexistent.  Maybe for a moment the buttoned up, straight laced, mature side of oneself will appear, but not always, and usually not for long.  The thirst always creeps up and before you know it you are parched.  Then if you are not careful the slippery, saturated nature of thirst season will quench all of the senses.

I have not utterly given in to thirst season.  Not this season.  Not yet at least.  As the temperature rises to its peak, only the duration of thirst season will tell the outcome.  The playful seduction of thirst season is very tempting and is all too easy to obtain.  So what does one do when thirst season comes to their pool, their gym, their bar, their restaurant, their beach, their job, or their door?  What does one do?  Make a choice.  Will the choice be the right one?  Will the choice be a destructive one?  Will water rise off the heat of the asphalt into a fog of steam that reduces visibility?  When thirst season subsides, what will remain?  Will the choice be a wise choice?  A lasting choice?  Will the choice become an agonizing memory that will last until the mirage of thirst seasons to come?  What will I choose?  What will you choose?

Scripture:

Pretty much all of Song of Songs (any version)

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law.” Matthew 5:28 (HCSB)

“Now flee from youthful lusts and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.” 2 Timothy 2:22 (NASB)

“For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride in one’s possessions—is not from the Father, but is from the world.  And the world with its lust is passing away, but the one who does the will of God remains forever.”  1 John 2:16 (CSB)

“This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”  Romans 3:22-24 (NIV)

L – Loneliness

My first memory is rooted in a feeling of loneliness.  I was a toddler playing on the kitchen floor of my parent’s house.  The 70’s pattern linoleum was the original one from when my parents bought the house, a couple years prior.  I am an 80’s baby and this linoleum was not replaced until a few years after this memory.   Tan-ish yellow background with a light brown fleur-de-lis-esque pattern.  Peel and stick squares I imagine because they would all be peeling on the edges before they were replaced.  With my blocks surrounding me, I sat there on the linoleum.  I am not exactly sure how old I was, but old enough to make it into the kitchen on my own.  Most likely, I was probably not supposed to be in there.  It was dark, after dinner sometime and I was by myself.  The TV was on in the living room and some grouping of my large family were in there.  The kitchen light was not on, but there was enough light emitting from the dining and living room, which was just off the kitchen enabling me to see my blocks well enough to play.  By this time my younger brother would have probably have been born, he is two years younger than I.  So I imagine my mom was taking care of him.  I do not think I was being neglected in that moment or maybe I was, who can say really?  In my parent’s defense, I was the fourth of five children (hard to keep track after your children outnumber you).  There was really only so far I could go in the house anyway, so they probably could see me from wherever they were.  In the memory, I believe I was content playing with the blocks in the dark.  I was alone though, that is my theory on why I remember this as one of my first memories.  Even though I was happy enough playing, I felt lonely.

Not all my memories contain loneliness of course, there are plenty that do not.  It is just interesting to me that one the first memories I connect to is one rooted in loneliness.  There is one more memory that I recall before this one though.  It was when my mom was pregnant with my baby brother (I will probably call him my baby brother well into our elderly years, as he is certainly not a baby now so much as a man in his thirties).  She was very pregnant, so it must have been close to the time he was born.  I remember I wanted to sit with her on the couch to have her read me a story.  However, she did not want to read me a story, probably because she was about to burst with her fifth child and she was exhausted.  I remember feeling dejected and loneliness clearly set in for me in this memory.  Both of these memories were of me feeling lonely, even though I was not really alone.  These are not bad memories necessarily, just jarring maybe for the two year old me whose world was changing dramatically with the introduction of another sibling.  A sibling, who would be taking some of the attention away from me no doubt.  In my self-centeredness toddler existence, these are my first memories.

Why is it that most of my searing and vivid memories are of loneliness?  Probably because I feel loneliness within myself, in my mind, and in my emotions so profoundly that it creates a sharp recollection.  Like I said, I have many memories that are not of loneliness.  There are many fond memories with others and I definitely have felt an outpouring of love, attention, and affection throughout most stages of my life.  My support system over the years has been amazing and those memories are there, but for some reason they do not always stick out as prominently as the memories of loneliness.  So strange how the negative memories push forward past the positive ones, no matter how numerous the positive memories are.

I would argue with myself though that not all memories of loneliness are negative.  I am a self-proclaimed extroverted introvert or an ambivert if you will.  Being alone and having that time in my head to process, reflect, and recount are necessary for me.  I enjoy being alone.  So in that respect I am introverted, but I also am a people person and love people (well, most people – the Lord is still working on me).  Seeing people and having deep, meaningful, good, or just escapist conversations are so important to me.  If I do not get that human interaction I go into a depressive state, so I need that extroverted energy on the regular too.  I bring this up because my loneliness does not necessarily correlate with me being alone.  When I am alone, sometimes I do feel lonely obviously, but I can also be by myself and not feel lonely at all.  Conversely, I can be surrounded by people and feel the loneliest I have ever felt in my life or not have a twinge of loneliness.

Much of the time I blame my current bouts with loneliness on being single still in my thirties (shocking, I know).  Which, yes, there is going to be a level of loneliness that comes with desiring a romantic relationship that still eludes you.  Being single does not always bring me loneliness though.  Honestly, being single really is nice sometimes!  As with all stages of life, there are pro’s and con’s to singleness.  I like that I can just decide last minute to go to dinner or the movies by myself.  If you have never done it before, I do recommend it.  You might feel weird at first, but it really is quite empowering.  You do not have to arrange times with anyone else’s schedules.  You can just make a decision and execute it, which is pretty great I must say.  Less variables, more consistent.  I could do these activities one day and not feel lonely at all, but then maybe the next time I go to the movies I see a sweet older couple and then…then the loneliness hits.  Nothing changed, just my emotions – a variable that is always an issue and never consistent.

That is the crazy thing about loneliness.  Sometimes it will hit you out the freaking blue.  You could be perfectly fine.  Having a great day.  You went to the coffee shop to go write, because you can.  Enjoying a cloud macchiato, writing a blog post, listening to a playlist Spotify thought would help you focus, and then BAM.  Like a punch to the gut - loneliness.  Wait!!!  What the what?!?!  Why am I lonely???  I was just fine and now I am lonely.  This time not because I am single in my thirties, but because I see a group of friends laughing and chatting about the life and times of them.  Now I miss my friends.  All of whom have their own lives and I do see occasionally, but I realize I am missing connections I used to have that just are not what they once were.  All the sudden I realize I am lonely.  I was not, but now I am.  A song will play that reminds you of someone and you are gone into loneliness.  A guy walks by with the same cologne you bought for your ex, just the whiff brings loneliness (and maybe also some anger and resentment, but that is another post).  Or you wake up from a dream and wow, just the thought of that person in your subconscious brings you immediately to loneliness before you even open your eyes.  On the train, surrounded by people – literally bumping into them physically, but you feel nothing except loneliness.

Due to my faith, I know that in my soul and spirit I am never really alone.  So why does the emotion of loneliness overtake my logic?  In the darkest, most abysmal times I have felt the presence of hope.  Knowing that God is there at the bottom of every pit of despair and agonizing loneliness is the only thing that brings me comfort in loneliness, but I still FEEL the loneliness.  When I get to loneliness, there inevitably follow feelings of lack of purpose.  Then there is a spiral into a whole other wave of negative thoughts and emotions.  Which can lead to x, y, and z addictions and/or bad decisions.  It takes a pull of strength to get me out of loneliness that I just do not possess.  God’s strength, not mine is really the only thing that can pull me out.  Keep in mind, please, I am not talking about the loneliness of clinical depression that is a whole other thing.  If you have clinical depression I want nothing more than for you to seek professional help and medicinal; as well, if needed for any imbalances that you have to regulate.  For my purposes right now in this post, I am just talking about regular loneliness that can hit us all no matter who we are or where we are.

Well this post is depressing!!!  It really is, sorry guys.  Loneliness really has been a real struggle for me throughout my life.  When you want to be connecting with people physically, emotionally, and intellectually, but that is not what you are experiencing in the moment it just makes everything just a little more difficult.  If it was not for my experiences in loneliness, I do not think that I would appreciate the connections in life that I do have though.  A Friday or Saturday night alone when you want to have plans.  Or a Tuesday night when you are running around doing the same old time consuming, regular life errands you always have to do, but all you really want to do is connect with others.  These experiences are tough, yet commonplace.  Those are the areas where I fight the most frequently with loneliness.  Then I will try to cover up and avoid loneliness by making myself busy.  The busy stuff can be a good distraction so that I am not dwelling or focusing on what I do not have or am lacking.  Busyness can turn on you though.  There have been many times that I plow through in busyness so that I do not have to feel the loneliness and then it all implodes later.  You get to that moment when you stop, after all the busyness, and then loneliness washes over you.  Yeah, I have been there – many times.  So I have gotten to the point that I try to balance the busy with the feeling.  As you all know, I feel too much with my emotions.  I have found that if I suppress those emotions it is a hurricane when they do come out.  Feeling loneliness is important for me so that I can recognize it for what it is and then appreciate it once it passes.  Dwelling in loneliness though, not a great look – definitely not a great feeling.  Feel it, appreciate it, and God will work in that.

I have to ground myself in the truth that I am not alone.  Once I have that time with Jesus to solidify that it is not just me, but it is really him and I, then I can be grounded and centered on what is important.  I am never really alone, it is just hard to remember that sometimes.  He loves me enough to allow me my emotions.  Feel all the things, as they say.  So I think that is why – why even when I know I am not really alone and should not feel lonely, I still can.  Just like anything, we have to feel it, acknowledge it, work through it, and realize how amazing it feels when we are not in the loneliness.

Scriptures:

“Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.  Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from anguish.” Psalm 25:16-17 (NIV)

“Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” Matthew 28:19-20 (ESV)

“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10 (HCSB)

“Oh give thanks to the Lord, call upon His name; Make known His deeds among the peoples. Sing to Him, sing praises to Him;Speak of all His wonders. Glory in His holy name; Let the heart of those who seek the Lord be glad. Seek the Lord and His strength; Seek His face continually.” 1 Chronicles 16:8-11 (NASB)

If I Could Stand Valentine’s Day

“If I Could Stand Valentine’s Day” is the title of my Pinterest board for Valentine’s Day.  If you follow me on Pinterest and were to look at this board you would be confused.  Confused because it appears to contain conflicting information.  You would have no idea if I liked or hated the holiday.  I think it is overall safe to assume that if someone creates a Valentine’s Day themed board on Pinterest that they have some strong opinions about Valentine’s.  I imagine if you were indifferent to the day, you really would not waste your time to make a board.  From the title, you may be assuming that I cannot stand Valentine’s Day…but you could also infer that I may also hold a level of affinity for the “holiday”.  To be clear, I think “holiday” is a generous title for Valentine’s Day.  A day that makes most people illicit feelings of panic, dread, excitement, and uneasiness…well, I guess a lot of holidays do that actually, but still I would not go so far as to call it a holiday.  For the sake of simplicity though, we will just proceed and call it a holiday for the remainder of the blog.

As a professional single person on Valentine’s Day for the last several decades, I have gone through many seasons of how I feel and deal with the holiday.  Part of my acidity for Valentine’s is that I have never actually been in a relationship on actual Valentine’s Day (maybe a situationship, but that clearly did not count as a relationship and definitely does not improve my feelings about the day – more on that in a future blog).  Thinking back and adding up the Valentine’s Days past it adds up to a lot of Valentine’s that were solo yo.  I mean, really – a lot!  So grant me some Valentine’s Day reflection slack as I proceed with this post.  First of all, how is it even possible that I have never been in a relationship on Valentine’s Day?!  Seems a little sick and twisted if you ask me.  Although some would suggest it has given me a unique perspective.  A unique blend of saltiness maybe.

Let us go back to the beginning of my Valentine’s Day past.  I think if Dickens were alive today he would write “A Valentine’s Rhyme” because I have had my moments as Scrooge on this day and I know I am not the only one out here either.  The soundtrack would include many an angry rhyme, including, but not limited to “I Don’t Fuck With You” by Big Sean.  For real though, it has not always been pretty.  Some Valentine’s have been rough!  I try not to swear too much in my adult life because I was an English major and I do actually have a decent enough vernacular that I can express my discontent in a barrage of phraseologies.  Sometimes though you just got sing/scream at the top of your lungs, “I don’t fuck with you, you little stupid ass bitch, I ain’t fuckin’ with YOOOOOOOUUUUU!!!”  Which I may have done on a few Valentine’s in the past since the entrance of Big Sean into my sphere of influence.  To be clear, I sing/scream the word bitch not aimed toward women.  Reclaiming that word as a feminist because the bitches I am referring to on Valentine’s are in fact men.  Not all men, very specific, particular, directed men – and each one of you know who you are!  I am under good authority that there are actually good men in the world for sure, I have met many, but those are not the ones whom this song is directed and dedicated when I sing it.  Although sometimes I was not even mad at any particular dudes, but just the holiday itself and how it would make me feel inadequate as a single person.  But I digress, back to the ghosts of Valentine’s past.

As with so many things in life that cause trauma, contempt, and embarrassment, my Valentine’s story begins in grade school.  The first couple years of grade school were good, despite a horrible first grade teacher reminiscent of a particular character in Hansel and Gretel who would throw children into the fire.  Good in general yes, but good on Valentine’s Day in particular.  I really did love Valentine’s Day when I was young.  I got sooooo excited when I got to pick out Valentine’s cards to give to all the kids in my class!  As an emotional kid, I loved expressing emotions of love and happiness with people.  I was fortunate in that I lived in a home where I felt very much loved and just wanted to love everyone all the time.  Giving a card to EVERYONE and getting a card from EVERYONE, telling each other how great we all were and how we all cared about each other was awesome!  I loved it!!!  I would bring a card for everyone, even if I did not know them very well.  Sometimes giving valentines to kids I did not know very well made me even happier actually.  I do not know if it was my desire to make everyone feel good or if I thought I was helping them in some way?  I do not know, only therapy will tell.  In those first couple years of grade school, I do not have many bad memories, a couple, but not many.  Then third and fourth grade onward hit.  Yep.  That was the end of my Valentine’s joy and equality.  I do not remember exactly what year it happened, just estimating that it was probably third or fourth grade because I know FOR SURE by fifth grade the happiness and excitement of Valentine’s Day had dwindled. 

At some point kids started not wanting to give Valentine’s cards to certain kids.  It was a rule that you had to give everyone in class a valentine if you were going to give valentines at all, but things got divisive.  This would be a great time to say that kids can be the worst!  To be fair, humans in general are THE worst, but some of the most hurtful things said to me in my entire life happened between the ages of 8-13.  This also would be a good time to say that I love kids: love my sibling’s kids, love my friend’s kids, love kids…but some of them are awful, just awful!  So kids in class started “forgetting” certain valentines for certain people and then some people just would not bring valentines so they would get one, but you did not.  As an adult, the socioeconomic reality of my childhood leads me to deduce that some kid’s families truly did not have money for Valentine’s cards.  As it was, I was very aware that money was a factor in life, as my parents only allowed us to get certain Valentine’s cards due to cost (which I am sure I threw many tantrums about - being the bratty, self-centered, unaware child I was).  Which would explain the kids that brought no valentines all together, but not the ones who started “forgetting” Valentine’s Day cards year over year.  

At some point, school just stopped doing class valentines due to age, school politics, or past issues – I do not really know what the reasoning was, but it was probably some combination of those factors.  The practice of giving valentines to absolutely everyone in your class stopped, but my tender little Valentine’s Day loving heart did not love that idea.  I felt that the fun of the holiday was going away, the magic if you will.  By the end of grade school, I had all but given up on Valentine’s Day because I was a fat kid who liked boys, but boys did not seem to like her.  I also wanted all the friends, but was in the harsh reality stage of life that most people are not actually your friends, especially those only pretend to be your friend on one day a year for Valentine’s Day.  #harshlifelessons  Maybe middle school would be better I thought…guess how that went.

Well I am going to tell you, so you do not even have to guess!  Middle school was rough too!  Honestly I think kids were meaner in grade school with their words, but in middle school we all got a lot smarter, more crafty, and manipulative with our social dynamics.  Game playing abounded in middle school.  Play the game or get slaughtered.  As they say, all is fair in love and war.  In middle school, love and war are pretty much the same thing.  Well…not really love, but definitely like and lust, that is far more accurate for the preteen and teen world, but you get the idea.  Middle school was the first time I felt the pangs of watching the girls I thought were the most beautiful and popular get gifts on Valentine’s Day.  GIFTS?!?!  Can you believe it?!  I could not at the time.  I could not believe it!  Seeing girls that I already envied get balloons, teddy bears, flowers, chocolates, and Claire’s jewelry delivered to their lockers, classrooms, and lunch tables throughout the ENTIRE day on Valentine’s made me sick.  Sick with anger, sadness, and feelings of unworthiness.  In case I did not already feel like I was not valuable in the world of preteen society, Valentine’s Day would bring an annihilating blow.

At school I did not cry.  I stuffed my emotions at school because you could not show your vulnerabilities as they WOULD be used against you.  I still, to this day, think I should get an Academy Award for those performances throughout middle school and high school where I would not show emotion and never would cry.  When I got home at the end of the Valentine’s school days though, I would go to my room, turn up the music (which was either super sappy or super melancholic to enhance my emotional state), and cry…cry for a long time.  I cried a lot as a kid about the lack of romantic interest being directed at me, but especially on Valentine’s Day.  From sixth grade through senior year of high school it was the same story - every, single, freakin’ Valentine’s Day.  No valentines were received, no balloons, no teddy bears, no flowers, no chocolates, no Claire’s jewelry.  It was a dark time for Valentine’s Day.  Perhaps now you can see part of the reason Valentine’s Day had turned caustic for my emotional teenage heart. 

Since this is already a long story we will fast forward to adulthood since my formative years pretty much were all exactly the same as far as Valentine’s Day went.  Never had a boyfriend, never had a secret admirer, and never got any gifts on Valentine’s Day from a boy.  You can well see that this girl was not set up very well to handle adulthood Valentine’s Days.  I must say, I had learned how to better handle the holiday emotionally after YEARS of an education on feeling inadequate to receive love from anyone who was not related by blood.  So I went through adult life learning how to accept myself and love myself for who I was and not for a guy.  It was a LOOOOONNNNGGGGG process, still going on today in fact.  When I was 19 and decided get healthy and start losing weight that was a huge part of my journey to start learning how to love myself and not be so concerned about how others viewed me.  My faith had the biggest part in my growth during that time because I knew that I was loved by God.  He made me exactly the way I was at exactly the time I was for a reason.  My family loved me, I had real friends that loved me, but God loved me most.  I was able to focus on this outrageous amount of love I was receiving instead of focusing the love that Valentine’s Day told me I should have if I was worth anything.

Mind you there were many times I would forget.  I would forget that I had real love from family, real love from solid friends, real love that Jesus gave me…I would forget.  Often I would forget on Valentine’s Day and would get sad, but I would forget other days too…a lot of other days.  In my adult life, I made many poor choices because I was looking for this Valentine’s Day, romantic-comedy type of love that had eluded me and still does.  Through a cycle of mistakes, corrections, mistakes, corrections, mistake, mistake, mistake, correction – I have grown.  I am still here too!  Even though now I have been in relationships and situationships, which is what my teenage-self wanted so badly, I still do not have that one valentine.  I have never had any of those individuals on Valentine’s Day.  Which, now that it has been so long, I am kind of glad that it has worked out the way it has.  I like that I can sit here on Valentine’s Day and reflect back that I did not settle for any of those relationships or situationships because none of them were right, frankly most of them were real wrong.  So many women (and men) I know have sacrificed what they deserved for something less in romantic relationships because they felt like they needed that Tiffany diamond engagement and Insta perfect Valentine’s Day post.  Tiffany’s, although I love their color blue and appreciate the craftsmanship that goes into their jewelry, is really just our adult, much more expensive version of those Claire’s jewelry gifts girls got in middle school.  Not only am I more valuable than Valentine’s Day has lead me to believe at times, I am more valuable than a Tiffany’s engagement ring, and I am definitely more valuable than an Insta post that everyone will double tap and forgot about in a couple days.  Seems like a long hard lesson to learn, took me thiry-ish years to get there, but thankful that I have learned that much. 

The point, I suppose, for the whole blog is that Valentine’s Day was not just a day for me, it was so much more and continues to be.  It was a reminder of who I thought I was not (in relation to men specifically) and what I thought I was lacking.  Now I know better who I am, still learning, still growing of course, but getting better.  These days I have a lot more affection for Valentine’s Day again because I do not let it define who I am as a person.  I remind myself that I have family and friends who love me and care for me all the time!  I remember that I do actually have some really good Valentine’s Day memories.  I remember that during those years when I was hating Valentine’s Day as a teenager my parents would get me little Valentine’s gifts and my dad would always buy me flowers (to this day he is the only man that has bought me flowers on Valentine’s Day and I love him for it)!  I remember that my college roommate’s boyfriend (or whatever they were) bought me thirteen white roses for Valentine’s Day because I told him that she wanted dark blue roses (it is a thing).  I remember another roommate’s fiancé bought me a gift card and wrote me an amazing note on how loved I am by God after I had a breakdown about my singleness right before Valentine’s Day.  I remember that, after the worst breakup of my life, one of my sweetest friends ever bought me flowers for several years in a row and delivered them anonymously to my job so that I would be reminded that I am loved not only by my friends, but also by Jesus.  On Valentine’s Day, I choose to spend it with myself in reflection, not because I have to because I am single, there are a great many other things I could be doing on Valentine’s Day.  I choose to be with myself on Valentine’s because I am thankful for the history of Valentine’s past and to where it has brought me in Valentine’s present.  I probably would not be the person I am today, for better and for worse, if we did not have Valentine’s Day.  If Dickens had written “A Valentine’s Rhyme” I think I would now be at the point in the story where I have seen the ghosts of Valentine’s past, present, and future and have come to the realization that I want to learn and grow from my experiences instead of being stuck in anger and bitterness.  Moreover, I want to show everyone that I come across that they are loved too.  Valentine’s Day is not so bad after all, I can even kind of stand it now!  Being a happy, well adjusted, loving Valentine’s Day Scrooge is pretty great. 

Happy Valentine’s Day friends!

Scriptures:

 “For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:6-8 (NASB)

“I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.” Romans 8:38-39 (MSG) 

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” John 13:34 (NIV)

“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8 (ESV)

Breakthrough: A New Year’s Eve and Blogiversary Post

Every year I put together a list of resolutions.  New Year’s resolutions are a long-standing tradition for me.  Some people would say that it does not make sense to do New Year’s resolutions or that it is not a practical or efficient way to make changes in your life.  If you have a goal, vision, dream, plan, or routine that you want to start then you should begin those things when the original inclination comes to you.  No time like the present after all!!!  To that, I would probably agree the majority of the time.  It is not really practical or efficient to wait for one single, solitary day in a 365 day a year calendar to put into place particular changes in your life.  I would also go so far to say that it really would not be a very smart or wise decision either.  There is too much of life and too much time that passes to be so foolish as to save those life changes to begin on one day in the year.  However, I do not think that most people ACTUALLY do that.  I think people, as a generally rule, do not wait to make all changes until New Year’s.  So that is why I kind of dismiss that mentality against New Year’s resolutions.  For me, New Year’s resolutions are really not a new list of resolutions at all.  The list is the ongoing inventory of my ambitions, improvements, alterations, etc. that I have already been working on and toward.  There are some items that I will put off purposefully and restart for the New Year just because I am reminded by the glimmer of the New Year approaching that I have been neglectful or just plain procrastinating on certain things.  Most of the items on my resolutions list though are just continuations and improvements upon what I have already been doing. 

One great example, for me personally, of something that I set out to do and actually did after I put it on my New Year’s resolutions list is (drum roll please) … THE BLOG!!!  One of my top New Year’s resolution accomplishments ever I must say.  Two years ago today, I launched A Word of Worth and the first blog post therein.  New Year’s Eve will always be the anniversary for the blog (the blogiversary for those of you who missed last year’s post where I inducted this made up the term).  New Year’s Eve was always one of those days near and dear to my heart because I like the natural reset that New Year’s lovingly forces on all of us.  Now though, it holds such a greater significance.  The other big New Year’s resolution for me was the year I decided to start my weight loss journey for real.  When the immediate threat of obesity over took me it was on New Year’s Day when I was nineteen.  There have been other smaller resolutions that have come to pass because I zeroed in and focused after I put them on the resolutions list.  Mind you I was working on the blog WELL before New Year’s Eve two years ago, but I launched it purposefully on New Year’s Eve for symbolic and personal choice.  As for the weight loss, that was nineteen years of choices, decisions, and habits that cultivated for me to get to my breaking point.  It just happened to be on New Year’s Day when I stepped on that scale and knew I never wanted to see that number again.  Seventeen years later I am still working on this resolution, it is not one that will ever end.  Yes, I lost the majority of the weight within the first few years and have kept off over 100 pounds in that time frame.  Yet, it is a lifestyle choice every day – all day.  Even though I achieved that resolution, it took more than one year and it will continue to go on for as long as I live.

Well that was a lot of backstory.  I am sure you are ready for me to get to the point already…so I will, I will – calm down people.  Just reminiscing over here on New Year’s Eve, give a girl a break.  Anyway – my whole point was that I think resolutions can be really helpful.  I do New Year’s resolutions every year and sometimes I will also have a word or phrase that I take into the New Year for whatever I feel God is laying on my heart to focus on.  Kind of a Sesame Street type of situation, “This year is brought to you by the word [insert word of the year here].”  This year my word is breakthrough.  2019 is brought to you by the word breakthrough (via the Holy Spirit putting that on my heart).  In addition to resolutions, I also have been doing a dream board/vision board (whatever you want to call it) the last few years.  This year my board is going to have the word breakthrough at the center.  So why breakthrough?

The last few years I have not really gone out on New Year’s Eve or if I have it has been earlier in the evening so that I am home by around 11pm or so.   The reason for doing this is so that I can be home before midnight to have some time to spend reading my Bible and in prayer, which sounds super spiritual, but it is definitely not.  Plus, I also prefer to be home prior to the epic amount of drunk driving that happens on NYE, especially after midnight (please be safe out there people and call an Uber, let these drivers get their coins tonight).  Keep in mind that I usually have had a couple (if not more than a couple) bubbly beverages throughout the course of the evening myself.  So my time with the Lord is a little more on the raw side than perhaps it is at other times.  I am not condoning drinking alcohol while reading your Bible and praying, but remember who you are dealing with right now.  I am just telling you what happens on New Year’s Eve.  Over here I am messy and honest, so feel free to judge if you must.  There has been a lot of change and transformation in my life in the last few years.  It has been a painful and long process (not to mention all the years before that too).  Most of it has been really good…in the long run, but in the short run it has been difficult, hard, and frankly a little soul crushing at times.  Light shines through the darkness though.  It has not all been challenging, some of it has been really great too!  I am so thankful for those times of relief and beyond thankful for the times of mercy that have been given to me when I deserved much worse than what was getting.  I am waiting on the Lord for much right now.  Trusting and believing that He will give me the things that I have been waiting and praying on for such a long time.  God hears all prayers, I definitely believe that and I also believe He addresses them.  He may not always answer our prayers the way we want, but He addresses them.  I do not believe our prayers are ever ignored. 

2019 is breakthrough.  Breakthrough on areas of my life that I have been working, praying, and waiting on for years.  The vision for my life at this point and time is very clear and apparent to me.  I know not everyone feels that way in their lives right now.  Honestly, I have not always been at the place where I am right now regarding the vision for my life.  Do not be discouraged if you do not know what direction your life is going in right now.  It will come.  Seek what God is desiring of you and you will find it (sooner or later, you will find it).  Right now, I am at a place where even though I have no idea what is going to happen, my vision is very clear.  The dream and the plans all make sense, even though I do not know what that necessarily entails.  There will be a breakthrough in so many areas of waiting this year.  2020 is perfect vision, so in 2019 the vision has to come to fruition!!!  That may sound corny to some of you, but I am a fan of symbolism (most writers are, gives us way more to write about).  Not to say that everything will be wrapped up in a neat little bow and there will be no problems or issues.  I honestly do not even wish that for my life because…well, that is not what life is about and it would be so boring if it were.  Faith is built through waiting and trusting, otherwise we would not need faith.  I have faith that the vision that God has given me for my life, in so many different areas, will have a breakthrough this year.  It is not something I am speaking into existence because I am not God, I cannot do that.  It is; however, something that I am believing He is doing.

This New Year’s Eve when I am praying for breakthrough in my life, I am going to be praying for you.  Praying for whatever breakthrough you are waiting on from God.  You may need a breakthrough on what your vision even is for your life and that is ok.  It takes a long time for that to be revealed sometimes.  Or maybe you had a vision of what your life would be, but it now it is looking like it may be something else entirely.  I do not know what you are waiting on, what you are praying for, or what your vision is, but I do know that I will be praying for you and your breakthrough in 2019.  Even though breakthrough is the word I have chosen this year, I think it is something we all need when we are working toward something.  You need a breakthrough to help you keep going.  Persistence and patience are so important and so necessary.  Trust me when I say I understand about persistence and patience.  I, understand.  God has developed more persistence and patience in me than I thought was actually possible.  He has strengthened me so much and I have learned that I have so much further to go.  I believe that He will work in you for whatever areas that you need to grow and mature even more as you move to breakthrough.  I am believing in breakthrough for you (and for me).  Come back to the blog through the year and see how the breakthroughs are happening in my life and you can reflect back on yours as well.  By the time we get to the blogiversary for 2020, the vision will have come to fruition.  Happy New Year’s my friends, may this year blow your mind!!!

Scripture:

“So I say to you, keep asking, and it will be given to you. Keep searching, and you will find. Keep knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who searches finds, and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”  Luke 11:9-10 (HCSB)

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”  Galatians 5:22-23 (NET)

“God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
    to the woman who diligently seeks.
It’s a good thing to quietly hope,
    quietly hope for help from God.
It’s a good thing when you’re young
    to stick it out through the hard times.”  Lamentations 3:25-27 (MSG)

It’s the Most Hectic (I Mean Wonderful) Time of the Year

All year I look forward to the holiday season with anticipation and excitement. Every year it gains a sense of wonder for me all over again.  Our lives change, our perspective changes, but there is still this childlike expectation of the holidays for me.  Kind of a sugar plum fairy dream state if you will.  I speak for myself because the holidays evoke a lot of emotions and bring up a lot of baggage for people.  For me though, all that seems to disappear (at least in part) throughout the course of the year as we crescendo toward the Christmas season.  By the time the holiday season rolls back around, I have a Clark Griswold-ian type of grandiosity that has grown in my head of what I think the holidays will be.  I make plans of watching all my favorite Christmas movies by the fireplace (which I do not have).  Snuggling with a cup of hot cocoa by myself (yet my roommates are there and none of us bought hot cocoa).  Baking both new and classic Christmas cookies in my apron with ease (but it takes an entire day just for me to finish baking the staples and my back is killing me after five hours – and I completely forgot to even put on the apron).  Putting up the Christmas tree (make that trees, plural, because I do too much all the time).  Decorating the Christmas trees (breaking out from fake pine rash…which alas, is actually still better than real pine rash).  Buying presents (despite my best efforts end up being last minute while I wait for that second check in December to hit).  Wrapping Christmas presents, coordinating the wrapping, bows, and finding some Pinterest-eque theme for all the packages (which always ends up being rushed because I am OCD and want all the presents bought before I start wrapping process – then I remember that the bow and ribbons crush so I cannot even complete the masterpiece until right before I deliver the gift).  Participating in Christmas events; such as, Christkindlmarket (never been because it is cold outside), caroling (have not done that since I was forced as a child because it is cold outside), and Christmas tree lighting ceremonies at varying venues (not doing it because…it is cold outside).  Do you get the picture now?  I build things up in my mind and then when it comes down to it, it is just not what I imagined or pictured.

Much of the reason that these yuletide desires do not come to fruition is because of the hectic nature of the season.  Some of the plans just never happen because I tried to cram in too much holly jolly glee into the short few weeks that we have, all the while still doing normal life (guess I forgot about normal life when I was making all these cheermeister plans).  When my plans do play out, they end up terribly skewed from what I had imagined in my mind.  I will admit - I am a dreamer, but also a little type A.  Not a full on perfectionist because I came to the realization long ago of my inability to be perfect, but I still want everything to be exactly the way I want it.  As such, it is constant cleaning, cooking, cleaning, baking, cleaning, shopping, cleaning, prepping, cleaning, parties, and cleaning.  In an effort to try to attend as many events as I can (indoors of course) so that I can feel like I have really participated in as much Christmas as possible…in an effort to be a fraudulent knock off of Paul Hollywood and Martha Stewart’s love child...I end up disappointed, exhausted and sadden that the holidays went by all too quickly like they do and I missed so much of the joy that I look forward to.  The hectic schedules and expectations (of myself and of others) bring Christmas to a clattering bumpy end. 

As I write this blog, it is almost midnight.  I just came back from another very fun event with friends, which was a good time, as most of the events and parties are.  Yet it was another very long day of last minute budgeting, Christmas gift shopping, and Christmas wrapping shopping (those wrapping “masterpieces” that I referred to earlier…yeah most of those do not even end up getting wrapped, just thrown it in a bag with tissue because I run out of time).  During the craziness of running around I also definitely did the bougie thing and got a grande, non-fat, no whip, peppermint mocha with only half the syrup (so that my teeth do not fall out) from a coffee house that shall not be named because this is not a paid sponsorship situation!  It was all good.  I felt accomplished by the first half of the day and enjoyment in the second half of the day.  Then I got home.  My body crashed.  First it told me, “Girl, I am tired.  Please take off this makeup and put on those new Victoria’s Secret pajamas you bought for yourself (when you should have been shopping for everyone else on your list).  Then get your tail in BED for the love of baby Jesus.”  As I was getting ready for bed then my body told me, “Yo, you said that you were going to do a holiday blog on busyness.  Didn’t you even post on Insta that you were going to write this blog and you were posting so you would have accountability to make time in your busy holiday schedule?  How’s that going Holly Jolly Jingles, jumping from one holiday event to the next?  I think you might be struggling with the holiday hustle and grind because you, my friend, are losing sight of what is important.  Speaking of baby Jesus…how is that relationship going for you???”  Knife to my soul.  How is that going for me…not great this year, not great.

I had good intentions.  Thanksgiving weekend I even decided I was going to an Advent study from last year because Advent studies are not available until the first Sunday of December (because that is when Advent begins after all).  I was so irritated.  How can I get my soul ready for the Christmas season if you all are going to WAIT until the first Sunday in December?  What was wrong with them?!  These Christian devo people needed to get it together.  It is Christmas, can we please get on our spiritual growth with Christ…AT CHRISTMASTIME?!?!  So, as you can clearly see, I was feeling a little high and mighty over here on my jingle throne.  To prove that I was going to keep the focus on Jesus this Christmas I sure did start that study from last year, I really did.  The first week – crushed it.  [Side note: devos, for those of you that have no idea what I am talking about, is short for devotionals or meditation time basically where one takes time reading the Bible and being in prayer to grow in their faith, understanding, and relationship with God.]  Yeah…not something I need to be crushing so much as doing because I want to genuinely grow in my faith.  This study really should not have been something to check off of the massive holiday list of things to do, but I did…for that first week.  That second week (which would have been the first week of Advent had I been paying attention) things really ramped up for the holidays.  My schedule was jam packed.  I do not even know how many errands and events I had.  It is all a bit of a blur now.  I do know though, that I spent absolutely zero time in the Bible and not more than a couple quick toss up prayers.  Yeah no, did not do it.  Fell off that self-righteous jingle throne pretty quick.

If I had been keeping score with myself like I was the first week, I was no longer crushing it.  Opposite of crushing it.  It was more like me on a deserted island with no food, sun burned, barely surviving, with nothing except a coconut that I am desperately trying to crack open, but forgot my coconut-cracker-opener-thingy (obviously I do not eat coconuts otherwise I would know what that thing is called) because I was in too much of a rush to get stranded on this deserted island.  Not amazing really is what I am getting at.  Then the Holy Spirit sent me a little reminder that my faith is not about keeping score.  The whole point of Jesus being sent as that baby in the manager was so that He could abolish the law that was impossible to keep.  God knew I could not live up to that standard (come on now, I cannot even do it for a week and there were a million other times that week that I screwed up on everything else too).  It is funny because the week before I was sitting over here every day reading footnotes, taking detailed notes, and thinking about how great my spiritual health was this holiday season.  [Pause: sometimes I wonder if God is looking down on me and shaking His head all day everyday (#smhmychild).  I know He is far more gracious and loving than that though, but that is what I would do if I were Him.  I would just be shaking my head at me (actually…I do that a lot of the time).]  Moral of the story is the same as it always is, not so shockingly – I am a messy, messy human who cannot get it together. 

Instead of remembering the reason for the season (which by the way, we need a new phrase for that because I have always thought that was a bit lame – like why does it have to rhyme though?), I fell into the age old trap of busyness, commercialism, perfectionism, and checklist-ism.  A wreck.  Then there I am again, disappointed with myself because I am not taking the time to remember WHY we have a Christmas season at all.  While I was multitasking on the Stairmaster and Treadmill trying to burn off some of this excess sugar intake of the holiday season, I was watching this movie on Netflix.  The Star, is the name of the movie, which came out last year.  I do follow some of people who do the voiceovers for the movie, so I saw plenty of Insta posts about it last year.  Never watched it.  Unpaid promotion for the movie too by the way.  The reason (well, reasons because there is more than one) that I bring this movie up is that:  a) it is a cartoon, b) it is super cute, c) has voiceovers by legit actors, and d) is actually about the story of the birth of Jesus.  Some creative license was taken of course, but it really is quite a good movie.  By the time the film was ending I was now stretching out on the mat and was about to burst into tears, which by the way would not have been the first time that happened.  Between The Star, A Charlie Brown Christmas the other night, my internal voice reflection tonight, and just having started a long overdue vacation from the job…I realized what I really need this Christmas…is some Christ in my Christmas.  Restarting my Jesus time now!   Hopefully in a less self-righteous way this time, in a more genuine way this time, and in a more real way this time.  Which after all, is what this blog (and my life) are really all about Charlie Brown.  Merry Christmas friends and to all a good night (NOW I can take my tail to bed)!

Scripture:

“ Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel.” Isaiah 7:14 (NIV)

“But when [Joseph] had considered this, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, ‘Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife; for the Child who has been conceived in her is of the Holy Spirit. She will bear a Son; and you shall call His name Jesus, for He will save His people from their sins.’ Now all this took place to fulfill what was spoken by the Lord through the prophet: ‘Behold, the virgin shall be with child and shall bear a Son, and they shall call His name Immanuel,’ which translated means, ‘God with us.’ And Joseph awoke from his sleep and did as the angel of the Lord commanded him, and took Mary as his wife, but kept her a virgin until she gave birth to a Son; and he called His name Jesus.” Matthew 1:20-25 (NASB)

“And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.”  Luke 2:8-14 (KJV – It just sounds the best in King James to me.)

...and Guest

I love weddings.  I really do.  Believe me when I say, weddings are great!  I love the dresses, the tuxes, the flowers, the cake/cupcakes/donuts/bougie pastries, the dancing, the gifts and the joy.  I really love the drama in the relational dynamic of chaos that is the family, friends and obligatory invites to others.  That combination of everyone that you would normally NEVER put together in one room end up coming together for one purpose, to celebrate the wedded bliss of a loved one.  Just seeing what happens when you get all those people into the same room, especially at those open bars (who thought that was ever a good idea), is quite a sight to see.  It is thrilling.  High drama, high emotions, high stakes – I love it!  The day of the wedding (I am not talking about the marriage itself, sometimes people get that confused) is just great.  Even when things go wrong on the day of the wedding it is still great.  The only time I do not love weddings is when it is a couple that I know are not going to make it.  I hate to assess who I think is going to get divorced at some point, but sometimes…you just know (we have all been to one of those weddings).  Which is all very unfortunate for the couple and sad when all the rest of us know, but they have not yet come to that realization themselves (or they have, but they just are too scared not to get married at this point).  In those instances people just pay for a very expensive occasion, which just leads up to a very expensive divorce.  I would not even bring this up, but as we all know it is about 50 percent of marriages that end up in divorce.  Fortunately most of the weddings I have attended thus far have not felt that way.  Most of the weddings I have attended I truly believe the couple is going to make it and in most cases they have (thus far).

Before I get into this post I just really wanted to clarify that I do love weddings!  I love getting ready for weddings, it is an excuse to get just a little more dolled up than normal.  More makeup, more hair, more effort and higher heels than normal – I love it!  Also at this point in life, I really am at a place where I can truly and genuinely be happy for my friends who are getting married.  Even though I am currently still single, I get really excited for my friends that get married (especially when they are marrying solid human beings).  The engagement happens and with close friends I find out right away.  Even those who I am not as close to, I find out almost immediately after the engagement happens through an artsy Instagram post.  I am happy for them, joyous really!  They have found or were found by the person that they believe they are going to be with for the rest of their lives.  It makes me smile and for some of them it brings a happy tear to my eye.  For others, because I know the depths of disaster and despair they had to go through in other relationships before they got to this person, I am extra over the moon happy for them (and even more tears). 

I am fully prepared when the save the date arrives and I throw that date right on the calendar.  Then excited to get that Bridal Shower invite to see what these crazy kids registered for and throw that date up on the calendar as well.  Sometimes there is also that Bachelorette Party invite too, throw that sucka up on the calendar.  Proceeding to then block off the following day completely for big plans to do absolutely nothing other than to consume greasy foods and drink coconut water detox smoothies that day.  Although I should be expecting it, one day shortly thereafter, I always end up getting caught off guard.  Immediately I recognize it, my name scrawled across the weighty invitation in calligraphy.  It can only mean one thing – the wedding invitation, it is finally here.  In the millisecond that it takes for my fingers to touch the paper of the envelope and my eyes to gaze across the lettering - I feel an uneasiness.  Uneasiness of words that are scrolled.  My brain already knows without computing the entirety of the address.  The invitation reads:  Holly Bentley…and Guest (ellipses added by me for dramatic emphasis, as most of my friends are not so cruel to add the ellipse themselves).  And Guest…and guest…and…guest… 

I never know how to take it.  Should I be grateful that my friend, who likely knows me well enough to know that I am still single, would be generous and courteous enough to afford me a plus one at their wedding?  Lord knows weddings, as magnificent as they are, also are not cheap.  I mean, that is a whole other plate to pay for and they are just willy-nilly handing an extra one out to me.  Or should I be offended and hurt?  Likely my friend also knows that I strongly do desire to get married and have yet to find my mate.  So why are they reminding me, themselves and whoever else will be at my table at the  reception that I am in fact fully alone and fully single. 

If they do not give me a plus one though, I am usually MORE offended, if that is possible.  If they do not give me an “and Guest” on the envelope my inner dialogue gets quite the little attitude:

“She didn’t give me a plus one on the envelope…well when I open this invitation there better be a plus one on the response card to the reception or I am gonna to be pissed.  How does she know I haven’t met my prince since her magical engagement?  That’s hella rude.  How does she know I am not talking to five different dudes right now?!  She has barely talked to me since she got engaged anyway!  I could have eloped by now and been livin’ the dream on an island…SHE DON’T KNOW ME!!!!  This female…she betta get her life if she wants me to come to this wedding.”

All my friends who are about to get married who are reading this right now are probably thinking:  “Well what exactly does she want us to do then?  She doesn’t want an ‘and Guest’, but she doesn’t want us to not give her an ‘and Guest’?  What the hell does she want exactly?!?!”

To those brides I say - all excellent questions and great points!!!  To which, I have absolutely…no answer…at all…none.  I want a plus one, but I do not want to feel bad about not having one (and despite anything you say or do I will still feel bad about not having one).  I do not want it assumed that I am single, but I do not want the pressure of bringing a date either!  What is worse though is when you get the “and Guest” invitation and then…it gets retracted. 

“Hey Holly, since you are not seriously seeing anyone right now, I am going to give your plus one to my second cousin thrice removed because I was talking to Aunt so and so and she just really thinks it is important that this cousin be there even though I haven’t seen them since my baptism at 4 months old.  You don’t mind, right?” 

Oh…ok…so what you are saying is I cannot bring this sexy piece of man meat that I met at the gym because you have to invite someone you do not know, but are technically related to by blood?  Now I really feel like crap.  I was already stressing about “and Guest” and have given serious thought about who I should bring or even if I should just get on Bumble or Tinder and insinuate a hookup (which is not going to happen) to bamboozle some dude into being a wedding date instead (which I am sure would go super well – insert eye roll emoji).  Not only that, but now I have been stressed out since however many weeks or months it has been since I got the invitation just for you to retract your “and Guest” offer.  Insert side eye emoji.  Now you are really making it hard for me to keep my jubilee about this blessed event!!!

All in all, the problem is this – me.  I am the problem (shocker).  It is my own insecurities, past and expectations that make “and Guest” such a challenging concept.  Societal norms, familial pressure and people who just saying stupid stuff sometimes make the “and Guest” challenge more of a debacle than it needs to be, but at the end of the day I am really the main problem.  I allow my own issues and my experiences to color the simple gesture of giving me a “and Guest” or not at a wedding.  Here is the ugly part though.  To be really real with you, for my wedding when it comes, I will probably not blink half an eye about the “and Guest” situation for any of my people who I invite because that is too much to worry about.  When you are planning a wedding you have too much to worry about.  Be happy you were invited, AT ALL!  So I honestly do not expect my friends to go that deep into who gets an “and Guest” and who does not.  If they are truly my friends, I just need to assume that they have every good intention and mean zero shade to me.  One day soon I will get over myself and not be so affected by the “and Guest” issue.  Trust and believe it used to be so much worse, this post is coming from a really healthy place (believe it or not).  So growth.  Always good.  As always though, so much more room to grow!

To all my beautiful friends that are getting married, have gotten married and will be married in the future - I love your faces and I do actually rejoice and toast your happiness.  Just know this girl is still working on her “and Guest” complex and I just need you to roll with it.  Be patient with me and know that you will probably not even know about my “and Guest” situation unless you are reading this right now!  Insert winking face emoji.  If you are reading this though, I will see you at the wedding and I will shut down the dance floor regardless of if I have an “and Guest” or not.  I really cannot wait to celebrate regardless and I am so grateful to be invited and to share in your day!!!  Hearts, hugs and love!  Insert kissing face emoji, red heart emoji and blushing face emoji.

Scripture:

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content in any circumstance.  I have experienced times of need and times of abundance. In any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of contentment, whether I go satisfied or hungry, have plenty or nothing.  I am able to do all things through the one who strengthens me.”

Philippians 4:11-13 (NET)

“But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out.”

1 Timothy 6:6-7 (CSB)

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

Hebrews 12:1-3 (NIV)

“Therefore don’t worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Matthew 6:34 (HCSB)

“He heals the brokenhearted
And binds up their wounds.”

Psalm 147:3 (NASB)