L – Loneliness

My first memory is rooted in a feeling of loneliness.  I was a toddler playing on the kitchen floor of my parent’s house.  The 70’s pattern linoleum was the original one from when my parents bought the house, a couple years prior.  I am an 80’s baby and this linoleum was not replaced until a few years after this memory.   Tan-ish yellow background with a light brown fleur-de-lis-esque pattern.  Peel and stick squares I imagine because they would all be peeling on the edges before they were replaced.  With my blocks surrounding me, I sat there on the linoleum.  I am not exactly sure how old I was, but old enough to make it into the kitchen on my own.  Most likely, I was probably not supposed to be in there.  It was dark, after dinner sometime and I was by myself.  The TV was on in the living room and some grouping of my large family were in there.  The kitchen light was not on, but there was enough light emitting from the dining and living room, which was just off the kitchen enabling me to see my blocks well enough to play.  By this time my younger brother would have probably have been born, he is two years younger than I.  So I imagine my mom was taking care of him.  I do not think I was being neglected in that moment or maybe I was, who can say really?  In my parent’s defense, I was the fourth of five children (hard to keep track after your children outnumber you).  There was really only so far I could go in the house anyway, so they probably could see me from wherever they were.  In the memory, I believe I was content playing with the blocks in the dark.  I was alone though, that is my theory on why I remember this as one of my first memories.  Even though I was happy enough playing, I felt lonely.

Not all my memories contain loneliness of course, there are plenty that do not.  It is just interesting to me that one the first memories I connect to is one rooted in loneliness.  There is one more memory that I recall before this one though.  It was when my mom was pregnant with my baby brother (I will probably call him my baby brother well into our elderly years, as he is certainly not a baby now so much as a man in his thirties).  She was very pregnant, so it must have been close to the time he was born.  I remember I wanted to sit with her on the couch to have her read me a story.  However, she did not want to read me a story, probably because she was about to burst with her fifth child and she was exhausted.  I remember feeling dejected and loneliness clearly set in for me in this memory.  Both of these memories were of me feeling lonely, even though I was not really alone.  These are not bad memories necessarily, just jarring maybe for the two year old me whose world was changing dramatically with the introduction of another sibling.  A sibling, who would be taking some of the attention away from me no doubt.  In my self-centeredness toddler existence, these are my first memories.

Why is it that most of my searing and vivid memories are of loneliness?  Probably because I feel loneliness within myself, in my mind, and in my emotions so profoundly that it creates a sharp recollection.  Like I said, I have many memories that are not of loneliness.  There are many fond memories with others and I definitely have felt an outpouring of love, attention, and affection throughout most stages of my life.  My support system over the years has been amazing and those memories are there, but for some reason they do not always stick out as prominently as the memories of loneliness.  So strange how the negative memories push forward past the positive ones, no matter how numerous the positive memories are.

I would argue with myself though that not all memories of loneliness are negative.  I am a self-proclaimed extroverted introvert or an ambivert if you will.  Being alone and having that time in my head to process, reflect, and recount are necessary for me.  I enjoy being alone.  So in that respect I am introverted, but I also am a people person and love people (well, most people – the Lord is still working on me).  Seeing people and having deep, meaningful, good, or just escapist conversations are so important to me.  If I do not get that human interaction I go into a depressive state, so I need that extroverted energy on the regular too.  I bring this up because my loneliness does not necessarily correlate with me being alone.  When I am alone, sometimes I do feel lonely obviously, but I can also be by myself and not feel lonely at all.  Conversely, I can be surrounded by people and feel the loneliest I have ever felt in my life or not have a twinge of loneliness.

Much of the time I blame my current bouts with loneliness on being single still in my thirties (shocking, I know).  Which, yes, there is going to be a level of loneliness that comes with desiring a romantic relationship that still eludes you.  Being single does not always bring me loneliness though.  Honestly, being single really is nice sometimes!  As with all stages of life, there are pro’s and con’s to singleness.  I like that I can just decide last minute to go to dinner or the movies by myself.  If you have never done it before, I do recommend it.  You might feel weird at first, but it really is quite empowering.  You do not have to arrange times with anyone else’s schedules.  You can just make a decision and execute it, which is pretty great I must say.  Less variables, more consistent.  I could do these activities one day and not feel lonely at all, but then maybe the next time I go to the movies I see a sweet older couple and then…then the loneliness hits.  Nothing changed, just my emotions – a variable that is always an issue and never consistent.

That is the crazy thing about loneliness.  Sometimes it will hit you out the freaking blue.  You could be perfectly fine.  Having a great day.  You went to the coffee shop to go write, because you can.  Enjoying a cloud macchiato, writing a blog post, listening to a playlist Spotify thought would help you focus, and then BAM.  Like a punch to the gut - loneliness.  Wait!!!  What the what?!?!  Why am I lonely???  I was just fine and now I am lonely.  This time not because I am single in my thirties, but because I see a group of friends laughing and chatting about the life and times of them.  Now I miss my friends.  All of whom have their own lives and I do see occasionally, but I realize I am missing connections I used to have that just are not what they once were.  All the sudden I realize I am lonely.  I was not, but now I am.  A song will play that reminds you of someone and you are gone into loneliness.  A guy walks by with the same cologne you bought for your ex, just the whiff brings loneliness (and maybe also some anger and resentment, but that is another post).  Or you wake up from a dream and wow, just the thought of that person in your subconscious brings you immediately to loneliness before you even open your eyes.  On the train, surrounded by people – literally bumping into them physically, but you feel nothing except loneliness.

Due to my faith, I know that in my soul and spirit I am never really alone.  So why does the emotion of loneliness overtake my logic?  In the darkest, most abysmal times I have felt the presence of hope.  Knowing that God is there at the bottom of every pit of despair and agonizing loneliness is the only thing that brings me comfort in loneliness, but I still FEEL the loneliness.  When I get to loneliness, there inevitably follow feelings of lack of purpose.  Then there is a spiral into a whole other wave of negative thoughts and emotions.  Which can lead to x, y, and z addictions and/or bad decisions.  It takes a pull of strength to get me out of loneliness that I just do not possess.  God’s strength, not mine is really the only thing that can pull me out.  Keep in mind, please, I am not talking about the loneliness of clinical depression that is a whole other thing.  If you have clinical depression I want nothing more than for you to seek professional help and medicinal; as well, if needed for any imbalances that you have to regulate.  For my purposes right now in this post, I am just talking about regular loneliness that can hit us all no matter who we are or where we are.

Well this post is depressing!!!  It really is, sorry guys.  Loneliness really has been a real struggle for me throughout my life.  When you want to be connecting with people physically, emotionally, and intellectually, but that is not what you are experiencing in the moment it just makes everything just a little more difficult.  If it was not for my experiences in loneliness, I do not think that I would appreciate the connections in life that I do have though.  A Friday or Saturday night alone when you want to have plans.  Or a Tuesday night when you are running around doing the same old time consuming, regular life errands you always have to do, but all you really want to do is connect with others.  These experiences are tough, yet commonplace.  Those are the areas where I fight the most frequently with loneliness.  Then I will try to cover up and avoid loneliness by making myself busy.  The busy stuff can be a good distraction so that I am not dwelling or focusing on what I do not have or am lacking.  Busyness can turn on you though.  There have been many times that I plow through in busyness so that I do not have to feel the loneliness and then it all implodes later.  You get to that moment when you stop, after all the busyness, and then loneliness washes over you.  Yeah, I have been there – many times.  So I have gotten to the point that I try to balance the busy with the feeling.  As you all know, I feel too much with my emotions.  I have found that if I suppress those emotions it is a hurricane when they do come out.  Feeling loneliness is important for me so that I can recognize it for what it is and then appreciate it once it passes.  Dwelling in loneliness though, not a great look – definitely not a great feeling.  Feel it, appreciate it, and God will work in that.

I have to ground myself in the truth that I am not alone.  Once I have that time with Jesus to solidify that it is not just me, but it is really him and I, then I can be grounded and centered on what is important.  I am never really alone, it is just hard to remember that sometimes.  He loves me enough to allow me my emotions.  Feel all the things, as they say.  So I think that is why – why even when I know I am not really alone and should not feel lonely, I still can.  Just like anything, we have to feel it, acknowledge it, work through it, and realize how amazing it feels when we are not in the loneliness.

Scriptures:

“Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.  Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from anguish.” Psalm 25:16-17 (NIV)

“Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” Matthew 28:19-20 (ESV)

“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10 (HCSB)

“Oh give thanks to the Lord, call upon His name; Make known His deeds among the peoples. Sing to Him, sing praises to Him;Speak of all His wonders. Glory in His holy name; Let the heart of those who seek the Lord be glad. Seek the Lord and His strength; Seek His face continually.” 1 Chronicles 16:8-11 (NASB)