M - Married Men
The original vision for this blog was for “M - Men” because, as you probably already know, men are one of my many issues. There is a lot to that particular story. I could fill many pages about my issues with men or those that stem from men. So I will narrow it down. Let me be more specific. Focus in on an area that bares the most pain. At this point you probably do not need a note of warning or caution because the title has hopefully already done that. I am certain, if you have chosen to read this blog, that the title is what captured your attention. The intrigue and the curiosity gets us every time, does it not? Before I begin, let me preface that I do not have an issue with the institution of marriage. Actually, I have a substantial level of reverence and respect for marriage. I do desire to be married at some point if that is what becomes of one of my relationships. My issue is not with marriage itself, my issue is with married men. Not all married men of course, just certain individual ones. The married man that I take issue with is the one who hits on, flirts with, or ignites a romantic relationship with any woman who is not their wife. I also take issue with the woman who goes along with the advances of a married man. What I dislike the most, is when that woman is me.
Yes, I had an affair with a married man. Then I had an affair with another married man. Any judgement that you feel coming on toward me is a natural human response, so please go ahead and feel that for a moment. Take a moment, really. I imagine a lot of you are judging me. Let me assure you that I used to be quite judgmental about the topic of extramarital affairs myself. In fact, a younger, more naïve me very much thought that having an affair with a married person was probably one of the worse things you could do in life. Having an affair was one of the worst “bad” things you could do. Sinful yes, but also just wrong, no matter who you are or what you believe. I quantified affairs as one of the worst actions, but also as a worse sin. I thought to myself, and I remember it very clearly, I would never do that. Never. I would also never be able to forgive someone who cheated on me. Never. As the adage goes…never, say never. Never say never, ever.
Humans are capable of anything, truly anything. Not all humans are capable of all things perhaps because we are all different, each with a different makeup and different experiences. We are all capable of a lot more than we realize though. How could they do that?! How many times have all of us said that about someone who did something unexpected? Something hurtful? Something painful? Something devastating? Or even something destructive? I have been hit with the unexpected, been hurt, been in pain, been devastated, and been the victim of destructive behavior. I have done the unexpected, I have caused hurt, I have caused pain, I have caused devastation, and I have been the cause of destruction. If you looked at me and you knew nothing about me, would you be able to tell that those things have happened to me? Moreover, would you be able to tell that I have done the things that I have done? Maybe, but maybe not. You would be surprised what people do. Well you would be surprised unless you, like me, have been ripped from your pedestal of judgement as a result of your actions. I am no longer surprised when I hear someone has had an affair or has gotten cheated on. Not because I am heartless, it is quite the opposite actually. My heart is just sensitive, because it knows exactly what is going on. It has been there, it knows. Since my heart knows, I am not at all surprised.
The first time I was relatively clueless. I saw him, I was attracted. Not sure if he was interested, but I thought he might be. Tall, dark, and handsome - exactly what I always wanted. Exactly what I was always told I should want. Kids who he adored. No ring or evidence of any woman in his life. Well-liked by those that knew him. Good guy. Went to church. Had a plan. Was not perfect, I was sure, but I could not figure out how because everything looked good on paper and looked real good in person. He came around, more and more often. Flirted. Knew what to say and when to say it. He started messaging. Talked more and then more. He asked for my number. He started texting. We started dating. Physical attraction combined with spiritual and emotional attraction – I never stood a chance. Fell quickly, too quickly – like I always do. Told him I was in love, he told me the same. Told me it was complicated, but that he loved me. “I have to tell you something,” he said. Long story, tap dance, details on details, over explanation, words, words, and more words, then…“I’m married.” He told me with a level of pain in his eyes. Then I said…“I love you anyway,” and I said it confidently. I believed it because I did love him. I loved him already, so I did not stop loving him because these words came across his lips that had already kissed mine so many times. I was convinced. I was gone. I had already fallen. That was how I met, started dating, and fell in love with a married man.
It is true indeed that both love AND lust are blind…so very blind. Not a doubt, not one doubt in my mind that this man was supposed to be my forever. So strange because my trust issues had been so deep and wide up to this point. Yet I was sure of him, I was sure I was sure. I thought we were meant for each other. Imagine my surprise when the man who told me he loved me, wanted to marry me, wanted me to be step mother to his children, was shopping for engagement rings, and planning where we would live would just suddenly pull away. Pulled away just far enough that I knew something was really wrong. He said he needed time. I believed in us, I was not worried about us, just worried for him. Then one day he came to me and said, “I need to work it out with her.” Emptiness…a void…disbelief. A pain like I have never felt before and hope I will never feel again…a pain that I wish on absolutely no human being on the planet. The rest of the story is long, but it lead me to the next story.
My heart was not broken, it was shattered. Do you know the difference? I did not until that moment. When something breaks, it has the potential to be put back together. Shattered is when there will be no repair. Shattered…I knew I would not be able to find all of the pieces, I probably would not be able to see them through the tears anyway. Sure enough, they did not come back together ever again in quite the same way. In a season that followed of self-destruction and a desire to feel anything, there were a couple guys. One of whom, it turned out, was engaged to another woman and failed to mention that fact. Said goodbye quickly to him. Another one gave me lasting consequences and left nothing but regret in his wake. Happily said goodbye again. Those two men were between the first affair and the second. The appetite to fill in the spaces in between the shattered pieces continued.
The second time I had an affair I had seen him around. He was very attractive and I knew he felt the same about me. All it took was a look from him, I cannot forget that look - it is seared into my memory bank. I knew he wanted me and I took advantage of the attention. The switch in my walk was always ready when I knew he was looking. In the pain of my heartbreak I took the looks of lust and reveled in them. I knew I should not, but in the aching I wanted to feel good, to be wanted, to be desired. I did not know him, but knew people who did. J Cole played as part of the soundtrack of my life during that time, “my home girls tried to warn me, they tried to let me know.” They really did try, but I did not listen. All it took was that one moment, that one look, on Valentine’s Day. Of course it was Valentine’s Day, I had never had a man on any Valentine’s Day in my entire life. He messaged me because he found me. He knew my name, I knew he did. I asked him why he was talking to me because I thought he was married. He said he was. He did not lie about that, he was always honest about that. We talked, messaged, text, and spoke on the phone for months. “It is just flirtation,” I told myself. “I cannot cross that line again,” I told myself. “It is innocent and no one is getting hurt,” I told myself. I knew those were lies, I was lying to myself. We lie the best to ourselves.
Four months went by. Over and over he tried many times, he loved the chase. I loved that he loved the chase. Then one day, I saw the possibly start to slip away and then I said yes. That day it hit me hard. I realized I did not just start having an affair that day, it started four months prior on Valentine’s Day. That affair lasted too long. Far too long. Not months, but years. Not consistent, sporadic because…well, it was still the chase. The chase kept it going. I tried to cut it off dozens of times. When I say dozens, I literally mean dozens of times I tried to quit, no exaggeration. He caught me almost every time. If I told you the rest of the story you would know why.
The third time it had been over two years since I cut off the second one. Wait, a third?! I did not mention the third time before. The third time was different. For two years I had been celibate and managed, by only the grace of God, not to give in to the second one again. Do not be confused, he did try, many times. Not certain if it was for good that he was gone, but at least it was for now. I had been able to stand my ground. All I could do was take it moment by moment. It had been awhile, I thought I was doing ok. Every time I think I am doing ok though, then I am not – I am not ok. The third time took me off guard, but then I realized I should have seen him coming. Once again, I knew he was married. As before, I knew he was feeling me before he ever said a word. I was feeling him as well. By this point, I had gotten pretty good at reading the looks of married men. Camouflaged as a causal conversation, he found out my name. Messaged me. We started talking. Flirting. Same story - I knew exactly where this was going. So I asked, “Why is a married man, such as yourself, checking for me?” He told me I was intriguing, intelligent, interesting, and most importantly - sexy. There it was. Nothing new, same as always. If it had all been the same, what was different this time? The third time, I ended it before it became a relationship, before it became sexual, before it caused any excess damage. I could already feel myself becoming attached, it had to stop. So, I stopped it there. Right there.
The story is not over, this is just as far as I have gotten. In between and since one, two, and three many other married men have looked me up and down, flirted with me, and asked me out. I denied them all. Seems like it should count for something. Does it count for something? It does not negate what I have done, definitely not. All of that was very real and affected many people, whether they ever realized it or not. There is growth, lessons have been learned. My mind, body, and soul want nothing more than to close this chapter on the issue of “M” forever. Yet, I am not as naïve as I was before the first one. I know that the chapters of my issues do not fully close, but they can evolve. The affect and impact will come with as I go forward, as they will for everyone else that has been impacted. I suspect there may be more married men that cross my path in the future. There is grace in learning from the mistakes and facing the consequences. Dealing with the past and the reasons for my actions is an ongoing process. Asking for forgiveness for the unexpected, the hurt, the pain, the devastation, and the destruction that I have caused. Forgiving those men for the unexpected, the hurt, the pain, the devastation, and the destruction they have caused. Then, forgiving myself for the unexpected, the hurt, the pain, the devastation, and the destruction that I caused myself. Forgiving myself – that is the hardest one to do. Remember the past, learn the pattern, forgive, move forward, and do better. One season does not define every season, but it will impact them all.
Scriptures:
“Because of the Lord’s faithful love we do not perish, for His mercies never end. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness!” Lamentations 22-23 (HCSB)
“The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” Psalm 103:8-12 (NIV)
“For thus says the Lord, ‘When seventy years have been completed for Babylon, I will visit you and fulfill My good word to you, to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you,’ declares the Lord, ‘and I will restore your fortunes and will gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you,’ declares the Lord, ‘and I will bring you back to the place from where I sent you into exile.’” Jeremiah 29:10-14 (NASB)
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints, and also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak.” Ephesians 6:10-20 (ESV)