Begin Again
Time to begin again. Another close to another year. A chance to start fresh with a new year. We even get to start a whole new decade, so it feels extra important to me. I have been thinking about the new year a little more than normal this time around. Maybe because we are ushering in a new decade, but more likely because I have been thinking back on what I thought 2019 was going to be. Reflecting on the last year I thought about this exact same moment a year ago. Hopes for the future and a belief in a long-awaited breakthrough in my life. Breakthrough was the word last year that I felt heavy on my heart going into 2019. It was the title of the blog for last New Year’s Eve and it went right in the middle of my vision board. As I was reflecting on what my plans and dreams had been for this last year, I was a little saddened. The breakthroughs that I was hoping and waiting on did not transpire as I had hoped. In fact, I was wondering if any progress had been made at all. Optimism, combined with realistic planning and execution, can result in some amazing breakthroughs, but in my case, it just did not feel like the work was paying off at all.
In the area of romantic relationships, I put myself out there, as they say, and dated a lot. There were a couple possibilities for a moment or two, but those were not right. So, I let those go. Frustrated because I really have done a lot of work on myself in the past several years and I am still just as single as I was then. Despite active changes and growth in this area, a lasting relationship still eludes me. Irritated because I dated more this year than I had in all of my life and still no one who had the same beliefs as I do and who was also a compatible partner. Then an ex popped back into the picture. A long overdue, much needed apology, with promises for a future. As anticipated, that fizzled quickly, I mean QUICKLY. If you blinked you missed it, Lord knows I almost did.
So a few weeks ago I was like God – WHAT IS UP??? I do not understand any of this. The whole relationship venture this year seemed as if it was supa dupa pointless! As I was talking it over with Him, or more accurately – as I was complaining about how these dudes really do act a fool sometimes, I felt that God pretty much just stopped me cold in my rant. He said, listen – now you know none of this was pointless. It all was for a purpose and still is, just because you cannot see the reasoning yet, does not mean it was for nothing. Then I replied, alright Lord...well then WHAT, exactly (with all due respect) should I be taking away from this dating debacle of a year? Well, Ms. Bentley – my dear, sweet, crabby child – what you SHOULD be taking away from this is a few things. One, you went on some really great dates with some decent men that treated you well, even if it was for only that one date – that is some serious progress. I just wanted to show you that I did actually make some men who can be chivalrous, kind, funny, and interesting to bring back a renewal of hope for you in that area. You can take away from all of this that the men you had dated in the past, that treated you poorly, are not the only types of men out there. You can also take away that you are doing exactly what we have previously discussed, on numerous occasions, that you should be doing. You are being more selective and discerning, not so easily deceived by charm and good looks, which are fleeting. What you have learned is that you do not have to kiss anyone unless you want to. You have learned that you do not owe anyone anything except for the pleasure of your company. You have learned to just enjoy a date with a man for what it is and then call it exactly what it is.
God continued, concerning this ex of yours my darling, I know him and I know what happened with you two. I laid it on his heart to apologize, which is something you have desired since things ended the first time. He sees me in you and that is part of why he was attracted to come back. You now know that just because someone apologizes it does not make everything all good and does not change who they are or who you are. It just makes it a better atmosphere for you both to be able to move forward with what I have for you both. You realized that you did not have to go back to an old situation and fold like you have previously done. You were able to make an informed, educated decision, and you asked me why on earth this was even happening. Then I made the answer very clear so that the decision was extremely easy for you to make. Yes, it was all very emotional and pulled a lot of things out of you that you did not think you needed to deal with. You also were forced to juggle a lot of emotions at once that you did not think you could handle, on top of everything else you were going through, but you handled it. You handled it because you asked for my help and that chapter ended quickly and relatively painless, in comparison to the past. You are welcome. Love, your Father in heaven.
Ooooookkkkkk yes, you are right Lord. You did actually do all of that and it was not pointless after all. In fact, I think it was all necessary, even though I could not see it at the time. I am sure there is a lot still to come from the dating extravaganza of 2019 that I have not fully realized yet either. Not the breakthrough I was hoping for, but most definitely a breakthrough.
Another major area that I really strug-GLED with this year is my career. Writing is not yet my career, despite my persistent efforts, that still has not come to pass. The exhausting amount of time and energy spent working on my writing, filling out applications, sending out resumes and writing samples, making connections, and networking HARD all continued this year, as it had from the years prior. Yet, it still has not happened. I feel like a failure every time one of these jobs slip through my fingertips, which unfortunately happened many times this year. Though I feel terrible every time from yet another rejection, there is no other option for me than to keep going. Lessons were definitely learned, but mostly...it felt pointless.
Once again, I asked God – WHAT IS THE POINT THOUGH??? If I just keep getting rejected why are we STILL doing this??? You could easily put me in another job and get me on the writing track, but you have not, so what are we doing? He broke it down for me again. God said, obviously, the writing is not skyrocketing with frequency over here, but you kind of do know why. This year has been one of the busiest seasons that I have had you in, but also it has been a season of huge moves too. There were some big writing moves this year. Only a few blogs were posted, yes, but I put you in the path of others who want to write as well and nudged you to join two different writing groups. Even though both of those groups did not turn out exactly as you thought they would, they did yield results. New friendships, closer friendships, bonds with others who I have instilled dreams and goals into, accountability, and time to write that you would not have used to write during this very busy season. You started a novel that will get finished at some point and subsequently continued working on the one that you had already started. Just because they are not finished yet and you are not as far along on those as you would like, does not mean that they will never be completed. Writing a book is hard. I do not know if you heard my child, but as God of creation I am here to tell you, it is hard. Being vulnerable is hard. Being inspired is hard. You keep writing though! This is the blogiversary after all and you are writing this post.
Ooooookkkkkk, yes, once again - you are right Lord. All this is actually true and not pointless to keep moving forward. Not the breakthrough I was hoping for, but still a breakthrough.
My full-time gig is still there, but has gotten sustainably less bearable due to some recent changes and continues to bore me to tears – literally and figuratively. So what Lord, WHAT AM I STILL DOING THERE??? Honey child, listen – I cannot tell you that YET. You will find out. I know you feel like you have been out here in the wilderness of this job (that I have provided for you - may I remind you), but there is a reason. If you are honest with me right now, you can admit some of those reasons have already been revealed. It is just a far longer road than ever you thought it would be. You have become strong in ways you never thought were possible, ways that you had zero desire to be strong in, but look at you now! Look at the encouragement that I have put around you to help you keep going when it feels like too much. This world is too much, but that is why you need my strength and not yours boo boo. I GOT YOU!!! I really do. You know this is not forever and that this is all temporary.
Ooooookkkkkk, yes God. I hear you, this one is tough for me though. I know you are right, but it is difficult to stay here.
Then He said to me, you know what you should do Holly? No idea Lord, I think that is pretty clear right now (with all due respect). He gives me the side eye (at least that is how I picture God talking to me in my mind) and He says, tell these people what DID breakthrough in your career and finances that you were not expecting at all a year ago.
Oh yes!!! I should tell them that! You are right, let me bring the people who are still reading up to speed. Wine life was the breakthrough I definitely did not see coming. I definitely was not expecting it a year ago. Zero clue. Clueless. Last holiday season I was kicking around the idea of getting a part-time gig and several possibilities arose, but frankly – they all sucked. I was not happy about even contemplating getting a part-time gig. I thought, no matter what it would be, I would hate my life. I mean I already have a full-time job that was being super inconsistent with overtime and I could not stand that place anyway. Now I was going to try to work more with ANOTHER job. The blog, my writing, my sleep, my sanity, my happiness, my relationships, and my peace would get sacrificed, but the fact remained that my finances needed to change. I could not wait for a new full-time job to make my career in writing, things needed to change now.
Every one of the not so great part time possibilities fell through. I was not really mad about that, but I was mad that my financial situation would not change either since all these possibilities fell through. In February and March I got invited to a couple wine nights that friends of mine were having. I was not able to go to the first one because I was sick (freakin’ winter colds). The second one though, I was able to make and wine night with the girls changed my life. The woman who was doing the wine tasting pairings as the wine consultant was so nice and genuine, I gravitated to her right away. To myself I thought...I can do what she is doing. I love wine. I love food that goes with wine. I like people, well – some of the time, enough to recommend them wine anyway. We chatted about why she started her wine consultant gig and then we chatted about why I should start. Within a week or so, I had decided I should do this for my side job. So now, I have a part-time job that I enjoy and that could even become a full-time job at some point. Not a writing job, but a new community and connections that I never would have made. Not to mention, getting to drink and share the best wine I have ever tasted in my life. This is the first year that I have seen the light with my finances in a long time. This will be the first New Year’s that I feel hope in my financial situation, even with some crazy financial episodes that transpired this year. All of this happened because I went to a wine night with the girls. Who knew that God would use selling wine to give me a breakthrough in my finances?
Then God said to me, wait – did you just use the word breakthrough in all the areas you were JUST complaining that you did not receive your breakthrough in this past year???
Ummmm, yes Lord, yes...I did.
He replied, ok I heard you, just making sure everyone else did.
Looks like 2019 was the year of the breakthrough, just not in the ways that I thought they would come and the breakthroughs are probably not over in all of these areas. These were only a few too, I have other areas I was looking for breakthroughs in. As you all know, I have an alphabet of issues and I can tell you after I had this little convo with God, there have been breakthroughs in so many other areas as well. Nothing looks like I thought it would, but God’s plan is probably best anyway. He has had a perfect score so far, so I guess I need to just keep rolling with him and those breakthroughs will keep coming. The adventure continues at midnight. I wish you all a very Happy New Year. I pray for your breakthroughs in the unexpected of 2020.
Hugs and Love - Holly
Scriptures:
“Because of the Lord’s faithful love we do not perish, for His mercies never end. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness!” Lamentations 3:22-23 (HCSB)
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:1-2 (ESV)
“For this reason also, since the day we heard this, we haven’t stopped praying for you. We are asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding, so that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him: bearing fruit in every good work and growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, so that you may have great endurance and patience, joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has enabled you to share in the saints’ inheritance in the light. He has rescued us from the domain of darkness and transferred us into the kingdom of the Son he loves. In him we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.” Colossians 1:9-14 (CSB)