F - Food
One of my greatest loves and one of my greatest enemies – Food! I love food. Food makes me happy. Food is delicious. Food is comforting. Food holds memories. Food is a necessity. Food is a luxury. I just love food! There is so much to food. I love that food brings people together. If you invite people to an event and they are on the fence about going, all you have to do is say there will be free food. If you say there is going to be free food, especially if it is good food, then all the sudden people’s calendars are wide open. The thing about good food is that it can take on so many different forms. Good food can be a gourmet meal you do not normally have the opportunity to enjoy, but is just artistically delicious. Good food can be a home cooked meal that reminds you of a time passed, but gives you comfort just by smelling it (let alone eating it). Then there is the good food that you just crave, which is usually greasy, deep fried, fatty deliciousness! Food is those amazing appetizers, entrees, sides or their glorious mistress, dessert! I love food. I cannot even do food justice in the English language, I am not sure if any language in human words can encapsulate the essence of food.
Food is really a huge part of my motivation in life really. I look forward to breakfast, I look forward to lunch and I look forward to dinner. Then if there is going be dessert and/or drinks tacked in there somewhere, forget it – I am done! Of course, there are also the special occasions where food is the focal point. We go for the celebration, but what would a celebration be without food. Be it a wedding, a graduation party, a retirement party, baby shower, house warming or just a night out at your favorite local spot - food is the main event.
If only food did not cause me so many problems. How can something so clearly wonderful be bad?! Well you already know by now that food is one of my many issues. As I am typing this, I am waiting for a pizza to be delivered…so there it is, one of my main food groups – pizza. Pizza, nachos, wine and chocolate. Those are my four main food groups (remember the four main food groups, where are my eighties babies at?!?!). I do not discriminate though, I love all kinds of food. When the mood really hits me for Sweet and Sour Pork, Wings, Pad Thai, Ribs, Tamales, Bacon wrapped dates or just a big old juicy Cheeseburger it is really all I can think about. Guys, those are just off the top of my head cravings for the meals. Do not even get me started on the snacks, desserts and drink options! Until I am able to obtain whatever it is I am craving, I think about it constantly. Can you relate? If you cannot relate then I 100%, absolutely do not understand you. I know that there are in fact humans that do not love food the way I do and food really is just a means to an end of survival. That is fine, like really, totally fine if you are one of those people. I just cannot understand you fully and frankly, I am just not sure if we can really get along! Food is vital to pretty much all dealings in my life. I love you, I just do not understand you, so maybe you can educate me about yourself. For those of you that get me as far as my food obsession, then you know the struggle!!! Tell me why my life revolves around food?!?! What am I doing with my life?! It appears that pretty much all day, every day I am just waiting around for my next meal. Is this how I really want to live my life? Just waiting, planning and craving my next meal? That just does not seem quite all together healthy in my opinion!!!
Food really is an idol in my life. Follow me for a second. It is not like I make a little statute out of chocolate ganache and bow down before it or anything. Food though does pull a lot of my time and energy away from everything else in my life. Then there is the fact that food and I have had a really abusive relationship over the years. If you have not already heard, I was clinically obese for my first 19 years of life when I tipped the scale at 305 pounds. In all seriousness, food really was a drug for me. I used food as a numbing agent and for moments of euphoria. Food was a distraction for me from my reality. It took me a long time to get to the breaking point where I decided to do something about my weight and seriously start taking care of myself. Weight loss was difficult. Some people will lie to you and say it is just mind over matter blah, blah, blah, but I am not going to lie to you because that is ridiculous. Getting food issues under control is hard! Since I was still fairly young when I started losing weight, exercise did a lot for me initially. So my food relationship was a more gradual issue that took a while to change. Moderation is the key, but the keys of moderation I often misplace. All of my issues, really, stem from a lack of moderation and self-control. Food is no exception. When you lose over a hundred pounds it is clear that you are able to be self-disciplined. So if it has been proven that I am able to be self-disciplined, then when I am not being self-disciplined then that means I am deliberately choosing not be disciplined. Ouch. I cannot blame anyone but myself for that one. Anyone else deliberately screwing themselves over?
Now I would love to sit here and tell you that you just need to learn the art of self-discipline and self-control when it comes to food and you will be fine. However, I continue to struggle in my relationship with food so I cannot preach that to you. I say food is a relationship because, as we all know, you need food. Any type of food dependency is problematic because food is obviously required for the body to function. So I need to learn how to get along with food and have a healthy, loving, adult relationship with food. I need to be able to enjoy food and not feel like I can only eat plants all the time. I am not knocking any of my vegan and vegetarian friends, I love you my veggies!!! Really though, even you know that you are not trying to eat just spinach and kale the rest of your life! Nobody is trying to do that. Those of us that love food, want to enjoy food. So where is the balance? What is the secret? Is there a pill? A supplement? An organic, dairy-free, soy-free, fat-free, gluten-free protein shake? Well those may exist, but they are not the answer. Balance is holistic. There is not going to be just one fix for every person. To be honest with you, there is not going to be just one fix for the same person.
It really has been about fifteen years since I began my weight loss marathon, but I never reached “that place”. You know “that place”. That place where you can eat whatever you want in moderation without feeling guilt or disgust. That place where you never have to worry about your food consumption again because you got this! That place where you feel happy with your physical appearance everyday. That place where all cellulite, stretch marks and excess skin no longer exist. That place where you just keep doing what you are doing and never worry about gaining or losing another pound. That place. Well friends, since I am in the business of being honest, let me break it down for you. That place does not exist. Not in this life. We are imperfect beings, with imperfect expectations of ourselves and others.
So I struggle. I do. I gained twenty pounds back in the last two years because frankly, I was lazy. I wanted to enjoy myself and have my pizza, nachos, wine and chocolate without repercussions. Even though I knew that land of no consequences is fictional, I decided for a while that I really did not care as long as I fit into my jeans. Well…I no longer fit very well into my jeans. Praise the Lord for stretch denim!!! Bless the human who invented stretch denim and the human who perfected it for thick girls!!! If it was not for the stretch factor, I would not be able to fit into my jeans at all. I love God’s timing. He really has a sense of humor. Just this week, one of the two pairs of jeans I own finally tore. After literally months of being on the verge of tearing, it finally happened. I am just going to go ahead right now and praise God as well for my thick thighs because the tear was on my inner thigh. Due to the location of this sad little tear, I was able to hide it until I got home. Now those jeans are in the trash as we speak and I have one sad little pair of jeans left. Sad little pair of jeans because they are in fact quite tight at this juncture. I really love the warm weather that is about to set upon us, but I need to lose those twenty pounds as soon as possible because you cannot hide very much in the summer.
Why am I telling you this? I think people can be bogus, that is why. People talked about me when I was big, people talked about me when I lost weight and now I have gained twenty plus pounds back and I am sure people are talking about me now. I will write another post another day on why we compare and treat people the way we so toxically do, but for today let me just say these few more words. My struggles with food are because of deeper issues. Some I have dealt with at length, others I have only scratched the surface and others I have not truly addressed at all. Be encouraged that you are not the only one struggling if you share my issue here. Sometimes we just like the way food tastes, but a lot of the time there are other reasons we are eating. I eat for comfort, I eat for stress, I eat for celebration, I eat for sadness, I eat for uncertainty and I eat just because I do not want to think about any of it. So I pledging and recommitting for about the 9,527th time (because it is not just the one time decision, it is a decision you have to make every day) to work on the reasons I eat and the reasons I fail at not eating well. I know I am not the only one that struggles with this issue. So here we go, you are welcome. We are all struggling together. Since we are struggling together, we can support each other together!
I know my fulfillment cannot be in food. It does nothing to satisfy in the long run, only for the short term need or desire. So I am going to work on me and food as we go into these beautiful months of less clothes, bikinis, pool parties and barbeques and not let food take over. Let food just be a part of me instead of such a huge part of me (no pun intended, unless you laughed, then pun intended).
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28 (NIV)
“Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” 1 Corinthians 10:31 (NASB)
“For the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit.” Romans 14:17 (HCSB)