C - Care Too Much

Someone recently told me that our greatest strengths are often our greatest weakness.  I was told this when I was receiving feedback from an interview for a different position within my company.  A few days prior, I was notified that I did not get the position, but that if I wanted feedback from the interview, I could schedule an appointment to do so.  I figured that I have a lot of things to work on as a human anyway, so I decided to take advantage of any constructive feedback this man had to offer.  Plus, he is a middle aged, lovely, British man so I figured anything negative he had to say would be softened by his accent.  We all know that everything sounds a little better in a good British accent!  It turns out the job was really not suited for me at all, so ultimately I was thankful that I did not get the position.  I am so glad that I went through that whole application and interview process if only for the feedback he gave me.  He told me that I gave two different answers when I was asked what my greatest strength and what my greatest weakness are.  I thought to myself, well yeah because you asked me two different questions sir, so you got two different answers!  Then he said, our greatest strengths are often our greatest weakness, so the answer to both questions would be the same.  Mind blown.  I was so disappointed in myself because I am sure this was not the first time I had heard that particular colloquialism in my life.  For whatever reason, even though I had heard this before, I never really listened.  Why had I not gotten this before and applied it sooner in my life (and in interviews evidently)?  It hit me hard actually because I think he was right.  Your greatest strength is often your greatest weakness.

Caring much is one of my greatest strengths.  I care a lot, but I must admit it is to a fault sometimes.  So it makes sense that being a caring person is also a great weakness.  Knowing some of my audience like I do, I am sure that some of you struggle with caring too much as well.  I also know some of you pretend not to care most of the time so that you will not get hurt.  When you have cared in the past, you have gotten hurt.  Then there are some of you who are just not that caring and that is just who you are.  That is not a criticism, it is just is not in your nature to be super caring.  You have to put forth a lot of effort to care for others and it is actually really hard work for you.  Whichever category you fall under or if you fall somewhere in between all those, we can all agree that when you care sometimes you get burned.  Sometimes it is a small hurt that is easier to move forward from and other times you get third degree burns that take years to heal and leave scars for the rest of your life. 

Relationships are where I care the most and get hurt the most.  I always joke that God gave me extra feelings because I am a really emotional person.  When I was younger I was so sensitive, I got my feelings hurt quick and often!  I had to learn how to build boundaries when I was young and that is not an easy skill or exact science.  Lord knows I am still working on how to create healthy boundaries because it always depends on the situation and the person.  So you can imagine that when it comes to romantic relationships it has been a particularly tragic train wreck. 

I tend to put a lot of time and effort into relationships from the jump.  Then continue to do so throughout the relationship and ultimately to the bitter end.  If I am real honest, I care in the aftermath of the relationship too.  I care from the beginning to after the end.  Some people care deeply more out of fear because they are people pleasers.  That is not really my issue, my issue is that I have a deep desire to care for those whom I love because I feel like that is what you do.  I desire a reciprocated care from the person I with of course, but I do not care for them so that I can get anything in return.  If the man I am with is caring for me on any kind of level, I am elated.  Even though I truly desire someone to care for me the way I have cared for them in relationships, I have yet to receive that back.  Mostly because pretty much all of my romantic relationships have been truly toxic, so there is that!  Trust and believe God has been working on my heart, emotions, mind and soul on my former relationship issues.  Each situation has gotten better, but still not any of them have been good on a whole.

Obviously, healthy relationships are ideal, that is what we all need to strive for in relationships.  We have enough problems on our own, we do not need toxic situations to add to our already existing difficulties.  Which is why when I realize a relationship is not nurturing, caring, beneficial, encouraging and loving, it needs to be done.  Having healthy relationships are a requirement, otherwise as a caring person, you will get annihilated.  Unfortunately, there are people that exploit caring people for selfish gain and they are really good actors in my experience (or just players frankly).  Those people suck.  So then should I stop caring?  Should you stop caring?  No.  It is easy for me to say and to point fingers at the individuals who take advantage of caring people.  Since it has happened to me, I can be quick to play the victim, which is also easy to do.  If all of us are extra honest right now though, I mean extra honest – we can probably all admit to exploiting others for their care and kindness at some point in our lives.   Maybe not in a romantic relationship, but in family members, friends, acquaintances, or even strangers off the street.  Exploiting caring people is a more regular occurrence in our lives than we care to admit.  So I guess we are all guilty on some level.  Just because we are not treated well does not give us the right to do the same to others.  So we care, we continue to care.  We do not become doormats, we do not let people treat us however they like.  We protect ourselves with standards and with boundaries.  Otherwise we are vulnerable to attack from those that will slither into our lives and they will drain us dry.

Finding the balance of how much to care, how intensely to care and at what point to change the level of care can be difficult to navigate.  Each time I am in a romantic relationship it gets a little better.  I am able to see a little more clearly each time.   Deception and deceit are much more visible than they once were.  Not that I am always able to spot the motives of others, but I am getting better at seeing their intentions with time and experience.  Surrounding myself with those people who do truly care about me and care for me help me to spot when someone comes into my life with different motives.  It has been instrumental for me to surround myself with good, honest influences who are like minded with me.  Surrounding myself with those that do care, helps me to know how to care and when to beware of those that will just take advantage.  Surround yourself with positive and encouraging influences.  It will help you care for others and to care for yourself in a healthy balanced way.   

“I am sending you out like sheep surrounded by wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.” Matthew 10:16 (NET)

“A fool's way is right in his own eyes, but whoever listens to counsel is wise.” Proverbs 12:15 (HCSB)