B - Body Image
Alright people, this post has taken me several attempts to complete because I really could write a novel on body image (and I may with all the omissions I cut from this post)! If you do not struggle with body image issues, then we need to talk because almost every person I have spoken to in my life does, both men and women. No exaggeration, I could write for days on body image because I believe that so much of our perception of our individual worth; as well as, the worth of others, is steeped in the concept of body image. Since the entire blog is about finding your worth, I guarantee that body image will be an ongoing discussion for us. For today, l think we should just begin the discussion and see where we go from there. Honest discussion is key on this topic, so I am going to share some of my struggles with body image right now!
My body image issues have deep roots. I mean, deep roots. Over the years I have been digging to get them out, pull them from my core. These roots have been foundational in all of the issues that I have had to deal with in my life. Ultimately though, having these body image roots allowed me the journey to be able to deal with these areas and grow into the person I am today. By the grace of God, I am in such a better place with body image than I once was. The webs entwined by these roots have been diminished over the years, but I must say I still struggle to a degree. My prayer is that anyone reading this blog can get some degree of clarity and victory over any negative body image issues that they are struggling with. In doing so, I desire the replacement of any negative body image issues we have of ourselves and others with more positive, affirming and loving associations instead. Not to turn this into Sapfest 2017 (I am emotional though, so you may have to deal with my sappiness from time to time), but I think it is very important to recognize the positive as much as possible so that when the negative arrives it will seem so out of place to us that we will know that they are false statements.
Some people really roll their eyes hard when I say I struggle with body image, but I am going to just go ahead and put a stop to that right now. Assumption is part of the reason body image issues are so prevalent in our culture. When it comes to body image we assume that we know this, that and the other about someone based upon how they look. Right? Be honest with yourself right now, how many people do you judge based on how they look? Do you compare yourself to them? Do you compare them to the people you know? We all do and have. I certainly compared myself to others constantly my entire childhood and adolescence. Let me give you a little background for those of you who do not know me. I grew up obese. Not overweight or chunky, I was obese. There were some genetic factors that went into my weight issues for sure, but largely my obesity was a result of learned behaviors. A sedentary lifestyle, combined with poor eating habits made me into an obese child. No real shocker there, we all know those are primary reasons for obesity. Mind you there are other medical issues that can contribute to obesity as well, but I am not going to get into that because that was not the case for me. When you have an established lifestyle of sitting on the couch, watching too much TV and eating highly processed and fattening foods, it is difficult to break the cycle.
Before I go further, I should say that I do not place the blame anyone for my weight issues. I bring that up because I believe it is very important part of the story. Despite the behaviors that I learned from my home life and my sphere of influence, I always had a choice. I also had the intelligence, information and awareness on how to live a healthier lifestyle and be free from obesity, but I chose at that time not to apply it to my life. It was not that I did not want to be healthy or look good in jeans, I definitely wanted those things. The problem was that I was pretty wrecked about my self-worth and body image from a very early age because of my weight. When you have such a negative body image of yourself, it is hard to do anything positive to get yourself out of the negativity. We know this right, negativity begets more negativity. No one forced me to get to the point that I did, but no one could do the work for me to lose the weight either. I had to take responsibility for my part in how my body got to a weight of 305 pounds by age 19.
Why was I so wrecked some people ask me? You have to understand, especially if you do not struggle with weight, that when you are told you are fat and ugly repeatedly you begin to feel that way. Whatever you are told becomes a part of your identity. If you tell a child that oranges are purple, they are going to believe that the color orange is the color purple. I was not ugly, no human is ugly. We are all made in God’s image and thus, each one of us is beautiful – each and every one of us (I am going to need you to remember that for always). Then I was told that I was fat and that fat was a bad thing, which resulted in people making fun of you. Which I think we all know that fat is a fluid term, one person’s definition is different than the next. While we are on the subject, let me tell you about the origin of the word fat. According to the fine people at Dictionary.com, the contemporary term fat derives from, “Origin: before 1000; Middle English; Old English f ǣ tt, orig. past participle of f ǣ tan to cram, load, adorn; cognate with Gothic f ē tjan to adorn; akin to vat". Some of you are like, ok…what does that mean? I realize not everyone studies Middle and Old English language and literature, so here it is. Essentially the word fat is a description of cram, load and adorn, but can also refer to a vat. Cram and load are not exactly flattering terms for the obese since it eludes to forcing an object into a vessel that is too small for the contents or that it is generally just large. A vat is merely a vessel and could be varying sizes, so not derogatory in and of itself, but it is if you are referring to a large vat. What I find interesting is that adorn is also a descriptor. Adorn means to add beauty to something, pleasing to the eye, attractive. I think we should pause and think about that description of the word fat. Unfortunately, I do not believe that my grade school contingency were referring to my adorning nature when they called me fat. Instead of me seeing myself as an orange because I was an orange, I saw myself as purple because that is what people told me I was. See what I mean, words are powerful.
Basically, kids were mean. I think adults can forget how mean kids can be. We remember how it was in junior high and high school, but those grade school years were the years that really formed our perception of ourselves. By junior high and high school, honestly kids made fun of me a lot less. Not that my teenage years did not have a lasting impact on my self-worth and my value as a person because they definitely did in other ways. The light in which I viewed myself though, had already been established by the time I was a teenager. The bulk of my body image issues, I believe, were developed in grade school because that is when I got made fun of the most. I was not only obese, I was also tall. I was five foot five when I was ten years old, as tall as my teacher that year (taller than other teachers). So I was big and tall. I viewed myself as unworthy of so much in life because of my size and how my peers had responded to the way I looked.
Many people told me positive things when I was growing up in those formative years. My parents told me they loved me, that I was beautiful, smart and could do whatever I wanted in life. I am so thankful for that and sensitive to it because I know not everyone reading this right now can say the same. Know this, if no one ever told you those things, they should have because you are loved, you are beautiful/handsome, you are smart and you can work toward any goal you set before yourself (if that did not sink into your soul just now, re-read that sentence over and over until it does because it is true). For some reason though, negative responses we hear louder. If we get a hundred compliments and one negative comment, sometimes that one comment is all we remember and can hear. Unfortunately, I listened to a lot of that negative talk. Inevitably, that negativity profoundly affected my perception of being physically attractive and as such, my body image.
Body image issues are a beast. That is because body image extends past weight into so many other areas. For me, a lot of my issues stem from the weight, but there are other areas that have affected my body image. My childhood, my family, my friends, the media, men, relationships, sex, my socioeconomic status, my interests and many other things, all of those went into how I formed my body image and how I viewed the body image of others. Once those issues were formed I took those with me everywhere I went, just like you have.
In the spirit of positivity and moving this blog along (this version is way shorter than the previous versions – your welcome), I did get to the point of hitting 305 pounds at 19 and decided that I was worth more than the way that I was treating my body. It was time to make a change and I did, it was not easy, it was very difficult in fact. I had to deal with issues from my entire life and how those impacted my self-worth, which directly affected my weight loss. Perhaps one of the most challenging parts of the body image issues is that we are all told by someone at some point in our youth that we are to love ourselves and that we need to be good with who we are, wherever we are. We need to strive for the next thing in life, but be happy with who we are right now. Sounded good to me, so all along the way I was trying to do that. I really wanted to do that, it made sense, it sounded good and it is what I would have told anyone else to do. The problem was, my intellectual maturity and my emotional maturity were not in alignment. I had to deal with myself, all of the things that had happened in my life and the emotions that went along with them, minus the weight. Turns out the weight was kind of a safety blanket actually (we will hit on that another day).
A lot has happened in my life since I started losing the weight. Not everything got better, most things got more difficult actually (put that eye roll away). My body image improved because my worth increased. Confidence, self-discipline, Jesus and just working through adult life all were vital to improving my body image and my worth. As I learned more and grew through my weight loss journey, I surrounded myself more and more with positive people that treated me well and for whom I could do the same. I am not always successful in reading people’s negativity gauge at first. Although, if a negative person does get into my life, I do not allow them to stay long and they definitely do not get an all access pass to my life. To is critical not to allow others to influence our body image negatively.
I still struggle with body image and with those last 10-20 pounds, pretty sure I am not alone on that one. We need to remember that we are all humans (remember from earlier, humans are made in God’s image - we are all beautiful), which means we will not arrive at perfection during our lives. Thankfully though I have learned that my worth is not in my childhood, my family, my friends, the media, men, relationships, sex, my socioeconomic status or my interests. I am so grateful for the discernment that has grown over the years so that I am able to see more clearly when my self-worth is being attacked. When my perception in my body image starts declining I am able to step by and assess what is making me feel the way I am. My worth is in Jesus’ love for me. There is no negativity there, so I know that when my body image is being attacked that is not from God, it is from an enemy. I believe God wants us to see ourselves for who we are in Him, as His creation, made in His image. Jesus came to earth as a human, he did not need to do that. He suffered persecution and was talked about more than I ever will be, he did not need to put himself through that. He was actually blameless; whereas, I cause all kinds of issues for myself and have probably caused others to struggle with body image. Jesus literally died for me and for every person ever. Why? Because I am worth so much to Him. You are worth so much to Him. I do not know how people find their worth in this world without Him.
“I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are your works and my soul knows it very well.” Psalm 139:14 (NASB)
“God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” Genesis 1:27 (NASB)