D - Dating

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my tragic dating the pattern.  You ready?  Here we go…

I like a guy, I am attracted to guy, guy tells me he likes me and that he is attracted to me, we flirt, I am flattered, I feel validated, he tells me I am beautiful/sexy/perfect/whatever he thinks will get to me, I fall for it, we start a relationship (or at least I believe it is a relationship), it gets physical, we move too fast, I either start falling for him or realize this is the worst mistake ever, all the while I have no idea what he is thinking (for the most part), ultimately there is a communication gap or some sort of deception, relationship (or whatever) ends, I cry, I get hurt, he may or may not be hurt depending on if he has any feeling in his soul, I fall on the floor, I cry a lot, I pray, God tells me I need to guard my heart more effectively, I say ok and that I will do better, cycle repeats, but this time it is a little bit better than last time and when it ends I am a little less devastated than the last time.

Well that is exhausting…dating is rough out in these streets!!!  Where are all my single people at?!  Does your cycle look like this or do you have your own cycle of madness?  Even if your cycle looks different than mine, you can probably relate to the repetition, but hopefully also to the growth.  For those of you that no longer have to deal with the dating cycle, that is amazing and congratulations!!!  For those of you that have no idea what I am talking about, well then God bless and this should at least be an entertaining read for you.  If that is the case be sure to stay tuned for future blogs because the stories get better (or worse depending on your perspective) and they definitely get messier, thus more entertaining.

I have been working on this particular dating cycle for a while.  I would rather not say how many years, but let’s just say it has been pretty much been for as long as I have been dating!  I do not want to say how many years that is because then I may actually qualify as an expert on dating failures and I reject that legacy on my life!  Instead, let’s say that I am an expert on dating nonsense, which will inevitably make me all the more capable to handle a well-balanced, loving relationship with another person who is also an expert on dating nonsense. 

Each time I go through the dating cycle it improves.  Each time I am able to look around and say, what is wrong here?  Is it me, is it him, is it both of us?  (Probably both us if we are being real with each other.)  Was I upfront about everything?  Was I clear in my expectations and motives?  Did he know what I was talking about?  Were there assumptions made?  Was there deception?  Did he feel where I was coming from?  Did I feel where he was coming from?  Did we communicate or did we just talk?  I have come to find that where there have been MANY problems with each relationship, but the core of it was a spiritual issue.  We were on different pages, different chapters or just in completely different books.  For me, my faith is the most important aspect of a relationship, but that means different things to different people.  For many people, that is not the most important aspect in a relationship.  You would think at the base, we could at least agree about what is most important for each of us from the first conversation.  No.  That does not happen.  Well maybe it does for you, but I have found that discovering what is most important in a relationship to someone is actually very difficult.  If we cannot find out and agree about what is most important at the beginning, how are we going to even start with the other things?!

Why?  Why is communicating about the most important thing in a relationship so difficult from the start?  I cannot even tell you how many different strategies I have used to try to determine what someone else finds to be truly foundational in a relationship before we begin.  When I was younger I feel like I would play a little hard to get and be a little veiled about my needs, wants and desires in a relationship.  At this point though, I am pretty much like, “Yo, my name is Holly.  I am 34.  I try to live my life modeled after Jesus every single day.  Looking for a man that is trying to do the same.  I am screwed up, my life is messy, I will not ever be perfect, but I am striving for growth in Jesus and developing into a better human than I was yesterday.  I also want the same of my husband and for our children.  And hey, if my husband happens to be taller, darker and more handsome then BONUS!  If that is not you boo, then that is cool, but now we know and we can both go to what is next for us.”  I mean, is that hard?!  I should just have that printed on cards and hand them out when someone hits on me at Target.  Or just have it loaded in the notes on my phone so I can copy and paste that sucka into a text, FB or Insta.  For the dating sites, have that as my bio (that should scare some of those crazies off right away)!  Rehearse, memorize, repeat and announce that monologue to the next one that tries to step to me.

The thing is though, that I have pretty much done that.  What is the response I normally get, you ask?  Well, the guy usually says, “Yeah me too.”  Depending on the person they may go into greater detail on my statement, they may divert and tell me how good I look in those jeans I got on, but the most clever ones will do both.  Now some of them just do not agree, but they say they do because they are selfish and want to play games.  Those ones are just looking for something physically, but they are usually too smooth and it takes me a minute to get to the truth (usually because I cannot see past their sexiness right away - real talk).  Then there are the ones who are, in fact, NOT available who pretty much will say anything because they are out here talking to me instead of at home with the one they should be with.  In other words, I get lied to a lot, which is not cool especially when I am just trying to tell them what it is from the start.

I do get deceived an awful lot in relationships.  If I get deceived from the first conversation, I will probably continue to get deceived for a while.  Mind you I am better at finding holes in the story than I used to be, but love and lust are blind - at least temporarily.  Not to play the victim because trust, I have gone into situations with my eyes fully open as to what I am doing.  Many times I knew it was not going to work out, I knew it was a bad situation, but I did it anyway.  It is just hard for me to understand why people lie and mislead in dating.  Especially when I come right out and say I want something serious and give my basic parameters up front.  If what you are looking for is a relationship based in lies and manipulation, I am not your girl.  For whatever reason though, I think that makes them try harder at that point. 

So how can I just not be deceived?  For one, there is no guarantee that we will not get deceived, people do and say things for all kinds of reasons.  Deception will happen, there will be lies in dating experiences so we need to just know some people will do that.  However, I know for a fact that the person whom I am meant to be with will not lie and deceive me.  You should know that the person you are meant to be with will not lie to you or deceive you (unless of course that is what you are doing in the relationship, #workonyourselffirst). So when I am deceived or mislead, I need to just walk away.  I will be hurt, but I need to walk away before I hurt more.  Second, get some boundaries.  Here we are, back at boundaries again, these seem to come up a lot in my barrage of issues.  I once heard a sermon (and by once I mean dozens of times because this is an amazing series) called “The New Rules of Love, Sex and Dating” by Andy Stanley (link included at end of blog so that you can watch/listen, thank me later - for real).  He said that in dating scenarios you have to pre-decide what you are going to do and what you are not going to do.  Mind you this qualifies for the physical, but I think before I personally ever get to the physical I have already surpassed my emotional boundaries.  Deciding in advance what I need, want and desire in a relationship.  Deciding in advance what I will do and what I will not do in a relationship.  Deciding what I will and will not put up with in a relationship.  These all need to be decided in advance because in the moment, it will too late to decide and bad decisions will arise.  For me, because I am super emotional, I tend to let myself get real close to the edge of my boundaries.  So what I pre-decide needs to be the absolute ideal, so that if I do compromise, it is not as painful as it could be.  Of course the goal is to not compromise at all, but I have definitely struggled with that in the past so I want to be realistic with my human self over here.

End of blog disclaimer:  I do not want the men reading this to feel like I am bashing men because I am not.  I love men (too much with some of them)!  I am so glad that we have men in our world.  Men have enhanced my life and experiences in many way, both in and outside of the dating realm.  I know real men that act like real men.  Unfortunately, I have only had the experience of dating men that felt, for whatever reason, they needed to be deceptive.  These are just my experiences, one woman’s story on dating and not intended to reflect all women.  Do not scream at your screen that women can be just as bad in relationships as men, I know, we definitely can be.  I know some really ratchet females, just like I know ratchet men.  Plenty of women play games and our sex can be master manipulators.  So I get it, if you are a man, know that this is not directed at you (unless I have dated you, in which case you can probably just go ahead and assume it is).  If I have dated you and you are offended by this post, let me refer to you to the Thank You section tab at the top of the blog, read that please.  If you still have beef with me, we probably need to have an honest conversation.  You know how to find me.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

“Treat others the same way you want them to treat you.” Luke 6:31 (NASB)

Reference: http://northpoint.org/messages/the-new-rules-for-love-sex-and-dating