J - Jealousy
Our plans, our goals, our dreams, our aspirations and our hopes are what we strive for - they are our desires. We work, we change, we adapt, we work harder, we re-evaluate, we struggle, we work some more and we wait – wait for what we have been pursuing for so long, but is yet still so far out of reach. It begins with excitement, belief, determination and turns into the monotony of consistency, which is so often followed by discouragement, disappointment and disillusionment. When we do not achieve what we have been working so hard to possess, we wonder why – what have we done wrong? Looking at those around us, both close friends and marked enemies, who appear to have all their desires met brings us to that place. We try to come to terms with why – why is it that what we have hustled so hard, but we have yet to attain our desires. Then we undoubtedly look around to see that others have it. That place is where the twinge of jealousy is born. Jealousy is our primary reaction to comparison. Comparison then brings that twinge of jealousy to full blown green eyed envy and distain.
Jealousy is easy to explain away when it is directed at someone who you have determined, by whatever set of standards you have chosen to abide by on that particular day, is unworthy of what they have had bestowed upon them. You deserve it more, you tell yourself. Then jealousy becomes more complex when you are genuinely happy for someone. You are conflicted because you believe that they do deserve what they have gotten. Even though you are happy for them, deep down you wonder why they get to have X, Y and Z while you are still waiting on Q. You are still waiting on Q and you have gone through A to P so many times. You have suffered bumps, bruises and have bled only to still be so far away from X, Y and Z because you still have to get to Q before you can get any further! What has to happen? What has to give? Where did you go wrong? What step did you miss? What day in class were you absent, like Ms. Lauryn Hill? Were the plans, goals, dreams, aspirations and hopes unrealistic? Surely not, because others have received the same thing, just in a different package at a different time. So what is the problem? Why am I where I am and why are they where they are? More importantly, why am I so concerned about the answers to these questions? Jealousy, that is why.
We feel so self-righteous when judging who deserves what. When in reality, you are no more deserving than anyone else. We are all human beings, who all hold worth. Who said that you can decide who is more worthy than whom? When did you get crowned the monarch of worthiness? You say it is not like that though, you say that you are not judging. You say that they have not put in the work on this, that and the other thing like you have. They have not put in the time, research, pain and effort that you have. Well in the world of fairness, that would make sense. Alas, we do not live in the world of fairness. We live in a world that is too broken for fairness. From that first toy stolen by another when we were children we quickly had to learn that life is not fair. Our parents, guardians and authority figures all told us, “Life is not fair.” Over and over on repeat throughout our growth and development, “Life is not fair.” By adulthood, we knew this mantra well, “Life is not fair.” We knew it, but we still did not believe it. We had seen evidence of it, but we did not believe it. We had experienced it personally, but we did not believe it. Despite all the practical real life examples of, “Life is not fair” we still hold the illusion that fairness exists. We cling to the idea that life is fair and it should fall in line with our understanding of what is fair.
So we continue on making our plans, goals, dreams, aspirations and hopes with the expectation of fairness. Then we inevitably come to a point, which is repeated over many points in our lives, where we feel the defeat and the swell of jealousy. Even if there is much we have achieved on our list of wants, desires and expectations, there are always those certain items that are just always out of our grasp. Instead of being grateful and joyous in what we do have, we focus on what we do not have. We justify our feelings because we just want life to be fair, when in fact we know, “Life is not fair.”
In our dark moments of jealousy, we think of those who we are jealous of or of the object of our jealousy. We do not think about those who are jealous of us or of the object we possess that they covet. We do not rejoice in what we have in those moments of jealously because that is not our focus. Our focus is only on what we do not have. We may have thrown up a shout of praise when we got to our last milestone, but quickly forgot because we are so stuck on still not having X, Y and Z. Meanwhile, when you look around, there are plenty of people just trying to get where you were a year ago, five years ago or ten years ago. Let me tell you, they would be so happy to be where you are today. So why are you not grateful instead of jealous? Or maybe you think you are grateful, but you are also jealous? Can the two coexist though?! Can you be grateful and jealous since they are opposing forces? I would argue that in one moment we can be grateful, but in the next moment we can be jealous and bounce back and forth frequently. For the two, jealousy and gratefulness, cannot exist at the same moment in time. We can try to convince ourselves that they can, but they really are coming from two separate places in our hearts and spirits.
There are times that we dig into jealousy, we live there because it is comfortable. Comfort though can be toxic. Living in the land of jealousy skews our view on so many things. Most notably, how much we already have and how much that could quickly be ripped away from us. When we flip it and realize that all of the things that we do have are not really ours at all, it changes the perspective. Not only are they not really ours, but the fact that they can be gone in an instant, maybe that will just snap us out of the cycle of jealousy. We are humans, so we will come back to jealousy at some point, but maybe a drastic realization like this can move us out of living in jealousy. Instead maybe we will just visit the land of jealousy from time to time instead of camping out there indefinitely.
Maybe we can appreciate more and be jealous less. The waiting may not be easier, but perhaps the grind can be a little less taxing when we focus on how much we already have. We still have to pursue and move toward what we are trying to achieve, but if whatever it is does not happen we also have to accept that with a level of contentment. Not to say that we will be happy if we never get X, Y or Z, but we have to be good with where we are at now. The path that we are on is shaping and molding us. We cannot let jealousy shape us because we will turn into something very dark that we really will want nothing to do with. Jealousy is ugly and can lead to an abyss. We need to grow where we are and not wilt because we are so focused on not having the movement we would like. God’s plan is always better than our plan. He has proved that time and time again in my life. Every time I think I have a good plan - it goes awry and then I am devastated. I question everything for a moment (or many moments), but then I get up off the floor (yes the floor because that is where I end up) and trust God again because He does have a plan. When I truly trust Him and rely on Him, He eventually shows me pieces of His plan and let me tell you - it is always, always, always better than anything I could have ever developed in my wildest of imaginations. This was a message to myself today, but hopefully someone else can feel me too.
Scriptures:
“For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing.” James 3:16 NASB
“Where do the conflicts and where do the quarrels among you come from? Is it not from this, from your passions that battle inside you? You desire and you do not have; you murder and envy and you cannot obtain; you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask; you ask and do not receive because you ask wrongly, so you can spend it on your passions.” James 4:2-3 NET
“Brothers and sisters, I could not address you as people who live by the Spirit but as people who are still worldly—mere infants in Christ. I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere humans?” 1 Corinthians 3:1-3 NIV
“You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor's.” Exodus 20:17 ESV
“For anger slays the foolish man, and jealousy kills the simple.” Job 5:2 NASB